Chipper

i found it.

It was sex that i was needing, it was training. As of late my blogs as been quite bitter, but I'm doing better now. There are three components of training that i had overlooked. meditation. prayer. strenuous and rigorous exercise. I feel better now, once again the opinions of others seem worthless, i doubt feel that great about this weekend, cause i won't be going to training on the account of my exam on Friday. Though freedom is but a few days away.

So i went back to the doctors, missed out on some vaccinations during school, so i need to get immunised. I was worried, i was expecting a 'oh sorry we got your blood tests mixed up, you really are HIV+' or something along those lines but as usual things are never as bad as you expect. Lauren picked me up, like usual we got lost, it was an adventure. I had to reschedule my appointment so we wondered and and got food to kill time. I got in, got my injection. My doctor called me a whore. That made my day. I got a lecture on sexual safety, though the way she said it, she practically stated i shouldn't go around hyped up on drugs and alcohol and fuck strangers in dark alleyways. I love how even people with a uni grade education and years of real life experience still do not hesitate to jump to conclusions.

Facebook. God once stated, all uni students must abide by this doctrine. join. conform. worship. First of all I'm not so happy with the new streaming function, because i have joined more groups that i would have normally. Lately the groups i see people join are getting more and more stupid. I find it ironic people that don't go to uni are joining uni related sites, though i guess people are unhappy with their life choices and still seek to conform.

I can't seem to study for my legal foundations exam. It's my most horrid subject. Tomorrow I'm going to go give you tv, youtube, msn, facebook, myspace and even blogspot. There is that much work to go through and memorise by friday. So today is my last day of freedom pretty much. Thanks for the comments from people, it's appreciated to know that someone out there is actually paying attention when you have a breakdown.

zai jian再见.

Acerbity

I don't know why I'm angry, why little things that used to be insignificant just frustrate me soo much as of late, my hypothesis is probably cause I'm not getting laid so i have to look for an outlet in some other form.

Last night was good, for the most part. Good to see friends, epic battle with 7 year old, though i wasn't in the mood for a party, and i think it showed. Today wasn't grand either, just video gaming and talking with my sister. I just wanted to hit someone, I'm finding people intolerable even online, I'm sick of hearing about men bitch, granted it's what I'm doing now, but if you play video games, you do it for fun, you don't do it and bitch about someones inferiority, i mean like you're literally slaying dragons with a mouse and a couple of keyboard commands. Granted there is more to online gaming like that but i don't think the people that read this could or would even attempt to comprehend it so I'm simplifying so this doesn't turn into another 4 page rant like the previous one.

I have training tonight, i don't want to go. I'm going to have to take the warm up, which is something i really really can't be fucked doing right now. I've been trying to do what society claims ever man should do so I'm suppressing my rage, it's given me a migraine, thank you society. I heart you (not really).

I was planning on today's blog to be a cherry little one with all my intentions for the grand holidays, but no. I dread having to start studying for legal foundations, tomorrow i have to get vaccinations, i hate needles, i knew skipping out out school shots would catch up to me. I'm gonna go take drugs, regardless they may be just standard pain relief medication, but why face your problems when coles comes with little pills that can just make it all go away, kids taking unnecessary drugs; another one of societies strong points.

i'm still alive, but i'm barely breathing.
auf wiedersehen.

Dejan's Verbal Mona Lisa

disclaimer; this blog may contain traces of nagging, ranting and side boob.

You win cruel world, Dejan is officially broken. I fear as if I'm not fun anymore. I feel 40. This week I've had numerous invitations to go out, and i have been turning them all down. OK so yeah I've dramatically lacked sleep this week because i have had three exams which i had to wake up at 6am for after a late nights of cramming, understandable that i didn't want to go consume large amounts of alcohol. Today i have a BBQ to go to, like i know i have to go but i would be reasonable just satisfied lying in bed watching a dvd; hence i have aged. I don't like this feeling, i want to be able to have fun with my friends, i know its a mind over matter thing, but i just feel like gravity is too powerful and i can't get out of this chair. I wish i was a superhero so i could just have a single costume i would wear on a regular basis that eliminated my need to to find matching attire.

I would constantly nag Karli about not going out, as it turns i have turned into a hotter version of Karli with a much bigger penis, better steer clear of Edward, last thing i want to do is infatuate him and then try to explain I'm not the real Karli. The point of this paragraph is that uni has a knack for draining the fun out of you.

Also i hate people. Or i will hate people by the end of the holidays. Numerous people from all walks of life have been getting on my nerves. I'm consistently under fire about people that seek to speculate and hypothesise about my objectives/motives/beliefs/sexuality and what not. I'm sure a large number of these people are just being spiteful purely on the basis that they want to fuck me, and like what can i say, i can't blame you: if i was you, I'd want me too. And i know there is a few of you here, Libby/Karli/Amanda who's jaws have just dropped because you've realised I've seen through your little plan. That or your cringing at my ego, either way, you'll have your chance with me in due time.

I find people that that just pathetic, i thought the whole thing would die after high school but it seems like that either people are still stuck in their pathetic little high school social cycle or the fact that they are intimidated at uni. Like deal with it, you're at the bottom of the social food chain again. We did it in grade 1, grade 8 and now first year. I know the feeling, i know that I'm screwed in the sense of relationships cause there are a lot more better looking, older, employed guys to compete with, though you don't see me bitching about what people are wearing or make remarks about peoples sexuality in attempts to boost my masculinity in hopes that women would be impressive with my verbal dominance and sleep with me, i do it purely for entertainment. My life always has and always will be about making people laugh, because that is the feeling that i enjoy more than anything else, even sex. If it means that i say things, do things or tell stories that you will compel you to make remarks about my sexuality, you're a tool, no other way to put it.

I've grown up a lot this year, I've done a lot of things. Some which i regret, some which i needed to grow and learn, some which i regret telling other people about and some that i should have told people about. My theory is that i won't be able to fully connect with people until they first of all get over the high school phase and stop bitching about their friends, gossiping about people you don't associate with is fine with me, it brightens up my day most of the time. The second thing is I want people to get of their high horse, you are no better than me or anyone else, apart from mature age students. Also people need to find the equilibrium between their social life and uni/work. Too much of one side is going to turn you into a intolerable person.

Other things that have been bugging me as of late. Mood swings in women, and in some men. Seriously it is not attractive and I've started ignoring people that go uncontrollably. Like one minute you're happy and we're friends, then you hate me, then you're depressed then you need me, then out of no where you value this random stranger soo much more than me regardless if you've only met them five minutes ago and the only conversation you've had is about the life cycle of stick insects but it doesn't matter because you guys are now fucking soul mates and you totally have each other in your msn names with (L) and all that shit. go die please.

She went to Runcorn State High School and she wax's vagina for a living. She finds adding nail polish a all too difficult task. She loves a man one day, hates him the next, followed by their engagement the following. Facebook keeps telling her that she is horrible at sex, yet i fear she will attempt to reproduce. She uses the fortune cookie application yet she doesn't have the IQ to understand that the fortune cookie gives her a metaphor, not a literal religious commandment that she needs to abide by. I hate you beyond all reasonable doubt.

There is a certain someone who is attracted to me. I don't have to see them but they still persist in me falling in love with them at some stage. It will never happen, i can't stand you. You are beyond creepy and stop stalking me. Seriously, i couldn't ever bring myself to be around you yet alone be intimate with you. I would rather sodomise a hibernating grizzly bear.

Movember, a well worthy cause, i know its needed cause men are stupid when it comes to their health. Take me for example, but surely there's a way of doing it without making men look like rapist and then sending them over to France to kick a ball around with school aged children, if the notion that all Australian's rode around on kangaroo's wasn't bad enough, now people will just assume that we ride them around and go pillaging women and escape because current forensic technology can't identify kangaroo tracks like cars, either that or we live in little huts because Australia is a clear identical representation of Tatooine. The fact that our Prime Minister and Treasurer look like the same person cuts their hair, doesn't help us boost our public imagine. Government please address my problems with Australia's global identity.

Though this year hasn't been a total waste, I've sifted through friendships and ended things with some people. I've because aware that I can't be that little kid because there are a lot more things i need to handle. I still look look forward to being 22-24. Because i think that's the age that people will grow up, but not grow old. I've also made some really good friendships. One with a person who can always make me laugh and i can tell just about anything to her and she won't judge me. One with a pair who i assume will reproduce after they discover they want to sleep with each other, though uni would be intolerable without you two. Another is one who my friendship with has been nothing but classy and of the highest moral standard, regardless he can make me laugh and always talks about something alternative, which is great cause i grow tired about mainstream conversations after a while. I think I'll end it here for the time being.

au revoir et salut.

To God; As Promised

So for the past week, I've been beyond freaking out.
The life of Dejan was surely getting irrational and overwhelming.
For those of you that i didn't inform our tale begins a long time ago. Where a young pale boy thought that the fact that dragons didn't exist was the most heartbreaking and depressing thing in his life, until he found that he might have had a one night stand with someone that was HIV+.

I didn't intend on writing this blog, but last night while praying, i told god i would, as some means of salvaging my life. This was when i broke down. I cried like a 5 year old girl realising that Santa was nothing more than her father trying to inspire hope, but hope was the one thing that was lacking in my life.

The following morning, along with my trusted steed made haste to the Sexual Health and HIV clinic in the city, and i got tested. Waiting was indescribable, i couldn't eat that day. I felt ashamed, especially running into someone i knew. Em did her best to cheer me up, it was welcomed. Thank you Sex-a-holics anonymous sign for making our day, that and the transgender lady that looked like cross-dresser from Little Britain USA.

The questions themselves were painful enough than the actually examination. I had to list my recent sexual partners, what i did with each of them and when. I was scared shitless, beyond that even. I froze, i knew how many sexual partners I've had, though for some reason i could not for the love of me think of when i did them and in which order. Never had i felt so, degraded?

The past week i have been freaking out, Thank you Karli and Lauren for being on call. Lauren without you consistently distracting me i don't know how i would've managed. I was honestly going crazy, i was consistently examining myself in case of lumps or bumps, i would freak out every time i went to the bathroom cause if you frequent the bathroom more than usual, its a sign of HIV. I would freak out if any part of me was remotely itchy or sore, or just simply looked different to what it should be. I visited so many sites in attempts to calm my nerves and read about my statistical changes of getting infected. Even my taste in music changed, i went from robust cheery/punk to the likes of The Script and John Mayer. Last night i couldn't sleep, this morning was far worse, i didn't have the courage to make the call, to some extent i was preparing myself for living with HIV.

Luckily and officially i am still HIV-. I've never been more content with life that right now. I've come to realise that some people just can't comfort you, while others excel. I've come to realise a few things, for the next while I'm gonna be celibate, more or less. I can't see myself consummating anytime in the near future. I'm also sick of being in this house, i hate that i didn't do anything for Halloween aside from study and procrastinate. So this is my blog to God, make of it what you will, i don't care if you believe or not, but i do and will continue to.

This experience has changed me, like I'm not gonna take life for granted anymore. I'm still that kid in high school that thought STD's were something that would never happen to him, that's still incredibly self couscous and still afraid of the dark, but I've grown up since then. It's time to resume life, listen to the words of John Mayer and make the most out of it.

Amen.

Manic Monday

so today was weird.
i was so scared.
my stomach churned so much.
i hated the waiting room.
thanks to the people that helped in the last 24 hours.
I saw someone from uni.
I saw a transsexual.
i almost threw up so many times out of fear.
i haven't eaten properly today.
and I'm lacking sleep.
and i have training in a few hours.
I'm wearing a jumper so my parents don't see the bruise.

today i did something unorthodox.
i was completely and utterly honest.
well 99% honest.
i have to give information on parts of my life
that i would rather not want anyone to know about
detailed information.
i felt like i was on trail.
i felt dirty, worthless, seedy.
it had to be done, i love that she said fuck.
literally that word made me at ease.

regardless I'm still scared as fuck.
though I'm glad she gave me stats.
its what i needed, it made me feel better.
the diagrams helped too.

i hit uni today.
for the first time since grade 10 maths.
i have failed assessment.
i talked it over with my tutor.
he gave me advice on what to study.
and convinced me not to drop two subjects.
so it looks like ill be cramming overtime.
today was dreadful

now i have to wait a week.
i dread making the call.
i want to do it at home.
at least that way no one will see me cry.

increased heart rate;
sweaty palms;
nausea;
worry ;
worry ;
worry;
the life of a uni student
fml indefinitely.

Before the worst

The sky is falling on my little world.
& it worries me.