Always running out of time

So it's been a while, unfortunately it hasn't been because I've been overrun with many daunting task but merely because i didn't feel like sharing my current state of mind if the few of you that follow this. I've been down lately. Actually it was kinda a whole that i grew fond off. It wasn't one of those 'oh my life is pointless, it'll never get better, I'm gonna go kill myself now' situations but rather something that required a bit more thought to comprehend.

Uni has started up, already nearly 6 weeks into it. I started this year with absolutely no motivation to continue my degree. I have to do straight law subjects this semester and i hate it beyond words. I hate the legal system, the legal process and most of all legal referencing. I can't wait to get back to my justice and sociological subjects. Don't get me wrong i enjoy uni for hanging out with my friends and having unforgettable and bazaar conversations but it's this semester i have horrid subjects and i just can't get into it. I'm gonna start devising a study plan, I'll use the holidays to catch up on readings and try and boost my marks. I have a interview with my tutor's next week for a second year law subject I'm doing, i regret it so much only because I've only completed one legal subject which was legal foundations. I'm still contemplating changing degrees. Tutor's have been telling me how lawyers have a high divorce rate, suicide rate and what not. I have a tutor who's been a defence attorney her entire life, how she has gotten death threats and at one time was robbed by her own client. I'm still somewhat adamant about a psychology degree or something in that nature. Though one thing that worries me about that degree is the capability to psychoanalyse anyone and everyone and even myself; no one wants that.

I don't want to spend days at home and pointless hours studying, i just want to help people. I just spent the last hour (it's now 1 am) going over and writing a fair bit into my sisters English assignment. I've been doing this kinda stuff since grade 10. Apparently i have a moral obligation to help my sister or so mum believes. She's like me, she leaves it to last minute. Though one thing differs. Grade 8 and 9 i would cry or fake ill or fake a injury to get out of school and work on the assignment after taking a nap and playing some PlayStation 2. Senior i just manned up and did the shit as late as required. My parent's weren't that great in English so i had to myself, something i need to teach my sister. Though she's family and i can't say no; I'd feel far to horrible if i let her fail.

Work has been pretty great. Like I'm getting more hours and whatnot but i don't like the reason why. I don't like the fact that someone has to get injured so i can work. Though this has given me a opportunity to prove myself. I closed by myself without anyone on Monday. As far as i know only Pete and Michael close solo. I took about a hour and a half just because i was so paranoid about it, even though Pete had told me to go. There was a balance irregularity which i didn't enjoy especially because no one knew what went wrong with it. I also decided to clean up, how ironic considering the state of my room.

I'm trying to a better person. I'm getting my shit together because no one wants to hear someone complain about their life when they have the capability to fix it themselves. Chances are if you complain about something you also have the ability to fix it, you're just lacking the motivation. Today I gave my mum money so she could buy herself new shoes. She keeps on spending money on other people and it's putting her in debt, i didn't care how much the shoes were. She really liked them so i gave her the means to buy them. Money is nothing when you get to see someone you care smile.

Teenage Dirtbag

So life has been pretty bland as of late. Today was horrible. Dad would not get off my cause. He wanted to abuse everything and anything around. I got a lecture because i didn't finish my lunch. He's made the same people who knows how many times for the past year, and i will always eat the same amount. He threw a fit cause he couldn't close the door. I snickered quietly. I haven't talked to him all day. Fuck off seriously.

No uni work today, no surprise. I was going to attempt a podcast but i found out I had to listen to it at Uni. So I'll be making the effort to go in tomorrow. Tepanyaki will quell my troubles. Work's been so so as of late. New Guy, i have nothing against him except the fact that I've been there 4 months and he's getting double the shifts i am; poor guy he only has a full time job and all.

I took home Devil Kings and Pokemon Soulsilver in Japanese, they make me feel better. I have to work on cheering up. I just can't wait for the weekend so i can go to Christen's and get away from all this. I keep getting told how i was the perfect child growing up in comparison to some of my cousins. Yeah, I don't have a criminal record, i don't do drugs, etc. Though i have one thing, a secret. It's insignificant in my opinion but it'll crush their worlds. I guess i wouldn't be so hardcore if i didn't have something i was intending in taking to the grave. We'll i don't want to, but as things are looking i don't intend on sharing it.

Grading this weekend. Not excited. Granted i am getting better but i still hate the whole progress. Road trip will be alright i guess, last one wasn't to bad but it's like i don't know these guys outside of training so i don't know what to say. I really hope i don't have to preform the demo material. Its a One vs One vs One choreographed fight. I know who'll ill be grouped with, and i know they won't know the moves and i know I'll stand there looking like a complete twat. Oh i get to get dropped during the One vs One, that'll be degrading and what not, yay Dejan.

Party boat was nice, good to see Flick, Bianca D, Tammi, Anna and Caela. Nice to see high school people you never 'hung out' with (Flick aside) and you're still able to maintain a conversation. Like, Me and Anna were Civic Buddies in grade 10 and we still recall that, Bianca and I both do law and are facebook rant buddies (Oh i was so impressed cause i was writing 'Me and Bianca' and i was like no, grammar power up), i knew Caela from drama and me and Tammi randomly bump into each other.

Regardless as of late, life hasn't been so great. I theres a certain girl out there who's having it a lot harder because of illness i wasn't aware off till she told me and her blogs make me feel sad because i care about her so. It's blogs like those that make me feel shitty about the person i am, but hey they help with the self-reflection.

Oh, Obi-Wan take me with you.
Please.

Another teenagers ramblings

Current Mood: Apathetic.

Relax this isn't one of those my life is horrible, 'I don't want to live any more' blogs. In contrary it's more of a 'I want to live more' blogs. Life's been alright as of late, not depressing nor exciting. Like there have been many event's, let us ponder for a bit.

Uni has started up. Not the best start. Uni books have been purchased and well they've been a set back really (financially). Uni has begun. First day back i did what anyone would have done, i organised a hang out with friends i haven't seen since Uni finished in 2009. I came back to find people who still remembered who i was. This has made tutorials a lot easier well more tolerable. I found my little Uni group and we just basically resumed laughing and mucking around like we didn't even have the four month break. Though I've already missed more than my fair share of lectures. I haven't listened to the pod casts like i said i would, though no real surprise if you know me really. This will be a long year.

For over the past 3 months i have at least spent one day a week if not the entire weekending in Carindale. Last year i reconnected with my friend Sara and ever since i have been at her boyfriends house hanging out with them, my sister and Glen and a few other people. They're pretty awesome, I've found that people i went to school don't really do anything on the weekend or just don't invite me. I'm fine either way, I've made a group of friends that i can just go see when ever i want. Though it's not the person i am, I've still have little voice in the back of my head that wants me to be friends with everyone.

Work's been well work. It's still fun and I like it there and wouldn't want to work anywhere else. There's just a few things that get me down about it, just when you pick up on your flaws or people point them out. The worst part is when the flaw's are insinuated and just die a little.

Today i met up with Lauren. We went shopping and laughed. I criticized everything she wanted to buy. It was pretty awesome. I got drenched on my way to Uni and spent the first hour and a half in an air conditioned room. I think my tutor thinks I'm incapable of doing this subject, I'm sick of her talking to me in a condescending tone. I've decided to be a little bit honest with the class so what, i admitted to doing things last minute. You asked the question and now you judge me. Found out someone deleted me off facebook I know it sounds childish. I may have had feelings for this person. Oh well, doubt you ever acknowledged my existence. I'll get better, I'll do things my way, accomplish my goals and make you remember who i was.

Time to clear my mind so i can get some sleep, perhaps some meditation is in order?

Fact-tastic

So this is going to be a long one; so grab your self some popcorn or something. My 7 and a bit day stay in Mount Barker was wonderful. At first i was a bit hesitant because i would be staying in a house where i only knew one person. But the Lawson family was beyond nice. The temperature was awesome. It wasn't ice cold even though it hit the 30ths but it's when you don't have to deal with Queensland's humidity it just becomes so perfect. There's nothing more wonderful then sleeping with a doona. Everyones houses were huge in South Australia, non of the roads were straight, they all had these beautifully landscaped backyards. South Australia had like minimum traffic lights which freaked me out a little, i don't think i could drive in those conditions. Also everyone was a bit more green there, South Australia has implemented a plastic bag tax, you wouldn't believe how many people i saw with those green bags.

We went to the Garden of Unhealthy delight which was like the prelude to the fringe festival. I wish i could've planned my stay a bit better that way i would've gotten to see Tom Gleeson and Hannah Gadsby. I could've also hit the South Australian Soundwave but oh well. I met a lot of people, made a few friends, had the most horrid experience on public transport, went clubbing in Adelaide and rode on bumper cars. I was sad to go. Though i am most deffently going back.

Soundwave.
Another thing i didn't initially want to go to. I was to tired and wasn't expecting the day to turn out as well as i wanted. I saw about 10 bands. I'll never go into another Paramore mosh pit, i couldn't even focus on the performance because of the amount of drug infused bogans, overzealous fat chicks and gay emo kids fighting around me. All Time Low was just amazing, moshed like a 14 year old girl on steroids, up beat lyrics and song's that i just sing a home. Though You me at six took the cake. They've been my favourite band for a while now and i was kinda getting pissed off that no one knew them. Randoms kept on asking me who i was there to see and they were like oh, i was like so what if I'm not here for fucking Trivium. Most pit was kinda eh, too many fuckers who didn't even know the lyrics around me, i really wanted to get up to the front. Though when Save it for the Bedroom came on, everyone went crazy and that was most likely the best song i heard there all day. I got to meet them, i waited in line for like a hour and ended up getting the second last ticket. They signed my Soundwave ticket and that's now in my room awaiting lamination. I think the most exciting part of the day was having a conversation with Max and his really really British accent. I also discovered a new song that wasn't in the albums i downloaded and it's pretty fucking amazing.

The scene is dead

I think it's time for a Dejan update.

Saturday: Epic, pure win.
Sister and four friends just talking, laughing, throwing dildos at each other. A fun time was had by all. Conversations lasted until 3. Went through Christen's porno collection, a lot of magazines. I choked and cried after finding a page of middle-aged obese hairy women. Everyone laughed, no one helped. Condom balloon animals. Walked in on things and giggled. Played Tekken, a lot of Tekken. Me and Christen are both stubborn and went rematch after rematch.

Sunday-Monday: Alright.
Things confused me, certain relationships confuse me. I had the most horrid night. I didn't sleep well the night before. Dexter (the dog) would not stop sleeping on my face. I was like fuck off. Changed sleeping locations a few times the son of a bitch still went after me. I broke the curtain handle by accident so i was like /oh fuck. So had to repair that in the morning. I knew at that instant regardless that i was 3 am that i wasn't going to have a good day. I did he best i could to stay positive but it was hard. Teppenyaki people fucked up my order, didn't cook the chicken properly. Dad was pissed when he got home from work, i don't know whether it was because he had a shit day at work or because he was pissed i didn't come home on the weekend. Either way it didn't impress me. Training didn't go much better. Training day changed to Wednesday. I set up my uni time table to be able to attend training. This meant putting most of my class's on Wednesday. I have like a hour break from 9-5. Then they expect me to come home straight away get changed and go. Like i can do it, time really isn't a issue but I'm just going to get tired and i won't feel like it and I'll want to quit. Grading still to be confirmed but it appears that it'll be the 13 of march. I am so not ready. I know it's hard to fail a grading at this level but still i hate the whole grading process and being judged.

Friends: Surprised, pleasantly.
So i have to go back to the clinic for a follow up examination and to get my Hep B vaccination cause i apparently missed out on it in school. The needles i can deal with it. It's just the location that i don't like. It's supposed to be a open place for everyone to come to. But the white corridors and judgemental staff scare the fuck out of me. I've been putting it off cause I've been ashamed to ask most friends to take me and those i did can't. Though today a friend from uni offered to go with me, it caught me off guard. I don't know this just isn't the kind of thing i would ask of a male friend, just the whole ego thing; it's just really shameful but I'm glad about my choice in friends. Also would like to thank a very special lady who agreed on dropping me off at the air port, even though she judged me when i offered to put out for her. You really are a lesbian, but i still heart you.

Cobra Starship: :Q_____
Pretty sexy. I realised I'm going to their concert in march and i haven't downloaded all their albums. The early stuff is like eh. The Hot Mess album is pretty epic. I can't wait to hear a few songs come march. And Owl City too =D

Soundwave: Soon!
I don't know what to expect. Like I'll go weak in the knees at a few bands and spend a fuck load on merchandise but oh well. You me at Six ! You me at Six ! You me at Six! You me at Six!

Stocktake: Wednesday.
I know it's not generally a pleasant experience but i look forward to it. It'll just be 4 hours of laughs, granted we'll have to do work but oh well.

South Australia: This week.
$415 return. 8 Days of fun. Valentines day will be horribly awkward as i will be third wheeling. Though i hope i still have fun. I need to buy new clothes and find my god damn PlayStation portable.

Karli Fletcher:
I've read that Edward will be changing your password so i don't know if you'll be getting wall posts or how that whole thing is going to work out. Regardless I would very much like to hang out with you when i get back from South Australia (21/02/2010) and get my pillow back; have you named it yet? Also i refuse to allow Uni to steal you this year.

University: Closing in.
Only like two weeks away, and life will once again change when it starts up. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it, it really just kinda scares me.

Distrait

So I'm starting to become a little more self-sufficient. I pay for my go card, i pay for my food. I bought my plane tickets to South Australia, I've saved enough spending money, I've got enough for my uni text books and I've got enough for my Playstation 3.

Work on Thursday was, well something. I laughed a lot, store room conversation about blow jobs made me cry from laughter. Though post closing a philosophical conversation was rough. It was about the topic i hate most, the realisations i never want to face, and i started to shake somewhat. It reminded me of my grade 12 English speech, the topic i couldn't talk about, cause i freaked out, i felt judged and i sped through though I'm pretty sure few people have forgotten it, much to my dismay. I dislike getting close to people to fast but i like the people i work with. It's just nothing something i really enjoy talking about nor do i intend on talking about again.

You know that facebook group that's titled something along the lines of 'Once i learn something about someone, i can't look at them the say way'? We'll it's true. It's not always a bad thing but it's like i wish i didn't hear this, i don't want to know about this. Now when i say anything around you i feel like utter shit. It's not about anyone that's reading this blog. I know that much for sure. I just wish there was a process for un-learning.

I leave for South Australia on Thursday, shall be exciting, though if only i could find my PSP.

Behind closed doors

So today's my first day off in a while. Oh how depressing it was. I got my first taste of working full-time. It wasn't the most enjoyable thing in the world but when you have a body clock and you wake up early to a day of nothing it's even less exciting. I attempted to stay in bed as long as possible, waking up twice thinking 'oh fuck, I'm late for work'. I watched Red Cliff and ate.

For the next month and a half I'll be in debt. I'm well aware of it. I know that I'll be going into it. I wish i didn't have to, but oh well. I'll be leaving for South Australia on the 11th and coming back on the 19th. It's not going to be the most relaxing plane trip. I leave the day after stock take at work and come back the day before Soundwave. Majority of my money will be going towards my PS3 fund, and I'll also be paying for my ticket to South Aus. On the side i also have to think about holiday spending money and soundwave merchandise and maybe I'll have to pay a few ladies to get naked and cause a distraction so i can get backstage. Uni also starts up at the end of February. I think my book list is like $300. GTFO Qut. The only good thing about repeating a subject is not having to purchase material for it. It's going to a rough change. I went from working a fair bit and spending ever weekend in Carindale with friends to reading, reading and well you guessed it; more reading. Farewell Deej, hello Number: 07181647.

I need to change who i am. Well certain aspects about me. I know who i want to be but i just lack the motivation to do it. I'm sick of regrets, right now the things i regret are having certain people as friends and the most would be probably sleeping with certain people. I'm sick of you seeing you people around, i roll my eyes and gag at the notion we used to stand together in a close proximity. never again.

Also i want to know if there is a scientific reason for just not liking someone from the first moment you meet them? Like i don't hate you; i just hate everything about you and everything you do.

Social groups are changing. Enemies becoming friends, friends becoming enemies. I don't know what to expect when uni starts. The saddest notion is that i won't see my friends from high school aside from birthday parties. I wish we all just had the motivation to see each other a little more. I know we can survive without each other. Those in relationships need no one, those in new friendships attempt to make time for each other, i know it's sad, but i miss quite a few of you.

Nerdy Side Note: I've put together a pile of games I'm gonna trade in for credit on my PS3. It's so sad that I'm attached to so many of them. Like Psychic Force which i played when i was like 7? I'm never gonna play it again but it was a pretty awesome game even if it had only eight characters. I know that I'm materialistically clingy, oh well.