'Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give' - Norman Macewan.
Five days straight spent with friends without having the concerns of life. This blog will be different to most. It will be productive and just happy. I have come to realise that i have been stressing about far to many things. First of all University. I know it's meant to be a big thing, but it's not the be all end all. I have been hating my degree for far too long. A simple statement a friend lives his life by is 'Why do something you hate', so I've taken action. This person in a short amount of time is becoming a larger piece of wisdom.
'I don't think friendship should be about money' - Glen Poole.
Something I've come to discover, realise and administer into my daily life. My birthday people didn't intend on coming because they couldn't afford it. I lied and said i had already put a large sum down on the deposit where i only put down $50. I didn't want a friend not showing up on the account of not being able to afford food, so i bought them food. I want to be happy, i want my friends to be happen, happiness is not something that should be described through and by a monetary value. I know we eat McDonald's new family box just for the novelty of having a little family meal, it's not any different to our other meals but we still laugh at it.
I'm going to write up a list of both sort term and long term goals, just because I do find my life not really having a direction. I'm at University, but for what purpose? What will i do tomorrow? What will i do in 5 years? What would i like to be doing? All various questions i have to address. This will serve for future blogs. Right now I'm just going to focus on one thing, being happy. Once I've established my foothold on this little mountain, I'll invite others to join me on a little vacation.
I know that i have to prepare for three tutorials tomorrow, I'm not worried. I'll get through it. I might be up a little later than usual tonight but what does that matter? It's not going to effect me all that much tomorrow. I'll also aim to blog more.
No one blogs about being happy, and for some reason I've felt afraid to be that person that does so. Regardless my life is a little bit more than just panic attacks. I should be joyous. My friends met each other at my 19th, i was so worried that they wouldn't get along, but that's all behind me now. Now i know i can bring a friend from school with me on a weekend to hang out without having to chose between friends. This excites me. It makes me happy. I am smiling.
'Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be' - Grandma Moses.
"This is my story"
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Dejan's life
It's been a while. Time for a summary blog i do believe. So first off all, I'm 19 officially. Yay. Mother invited a few cousins over Monday, she got the day off work. We ordered pizza's, bought mudcake and whisky. I asked her if i could have a few friends over, because in recent month's these kids really have become family. She said yes, she and dad wanted to meet everyone.
I got home, cleaned my room, and waited. Family came first, friends later. It was kind of awkward. I'm on average like 5-10 years younger than my cousins. So our pool of conversation topics is quite smaller than average. After a while me and friends left to play tennis. It appeared to be a audition for the para-Olympics. We were not born athletes. We still had fun. My parent's got drunk that night, and i mean David Hasselhoff drunk. It was fun, some things that mum said I'll never forget, forever scarring. Though the one thing i was happy is that my family liked my friends and vise versa. I know my parent's are quite picky with that sort of thing.
I'm having a birthday dinner tomorrow. Somewhat excited. I was more thrilled to have my friends meet a select few of people i went to school with, just because i knew they would hit it off. That won't be happening. Pretty much everyone is bailing out, except Kevin; good ol' Kev-dawg.
Wednesday was something. I took charge of my life. After weeks of self-deliberation i came to a conclusion. I delivered an ultimatum. I told my parents if i failed any subject this semester i would be dropping law. We talked it out, dad is fine with it. Mum isn't. Lawyer Dejan was her little dream. Everyone seems to be in awe about me dropping out, well intending to. I don't know why, i never liked it; i thought people knew that oh well. I'll finish my Justice degree that's for certain, then ill do something post-grad after. I want two degree's i know that much. I can't begin to express how good it felt to get that off my chest after i told my parents. I came upstairs, put my favourite song on, turned the volume to max and sang like no one could hear. I texted Lauren. I was so happy.
I've come to realise i need to sort out my career. Something i can enjoy doing. Something that won't require me to live in another state. Something i can look forward to.
I got home, cleaned my room, and waited. Family came first, friends later. It was kind of awkward. I'm on average like 5-10 years younger than my cousins. So our pool of conversation topics is quite smaller than average. After a while me and friends left to play tennis. It appeared to be a audition for the para-Olympics. We were not born athletes. We still had fun. My parent's got drunk that night, and i mean David Hasselhoff drunk. It was fun, some things that mum said I'll never forget, forever scarring. Though the one thing i was happy is that my family liked my friends and vise versa. I know my parent's are quite picky with that sort of thing.
I'm having a birthday dinner tomorrow. Somewhat excited. I was more thrilled to have my friends meet a select few of people i went to school with, just because i knew they would hit it off. That won't be happening. Pretty much everyone is bailing out, except Kevin; good ol' Kev-dawg.
Wednesday was something. I took charge of my life. After weeks of self-deliberation i came to a conclusion. I delivered an ultimatum. I told my parents if i failed any subject this semester i would be dropping law. We talked it out, dad is fine with it. Mum isn't. Lawyer Dejan was her little dream. Everyone seems to be in awe about me dropping out, well intending to. I don't know why, i never liked it; i thought people knew that oh well. I'll finish my Justice degree that's for certain, then ill do something post-grad after. I want two degree's i know that much. I can't begin to express how good it felt to get that off my chest after i told my parents. I came upstairs, put my favourite song on, turned the volume to max and sang like no one could hear. I texted Lauren. I was so happy.
I've come to realise i need to sort out my career. Something i can enjoy doing. Something that won't require me to live in another state. Something i can look forward to.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
High School Agenda's
So this has been eating away at me for the past 19 hours. Last night i fucked up. I seriously fucked up. If Sarah Palin became president kind of fuck up. Last night was not what i expected. Started off great, we lit a fire, kept it alive for like 3 hours. It was fun, relaxing what not.
We watching some movies, some great (Bolt) some not so great (Freddy Got Fingered). There is a situation where i should have not gotten involved. Non of us should. It wasn't our situation. We just thought we knew what the outcome was. It was like we were afraid of destroying something we cared about so dearly, our friendship groups and in order to prevent harm to it, we might have even done more damage, ironic isn't it?
I felt like such a fuck up. I was told something, and told someone who told someone else. I have no idea how it got translated. It's like Chinese whispers, someone is bound to fuck up. I got the relayed message back and it wasn't what was said in the first place.
I'm at a loss at what to do. Last night i had a conversation with someone. It was just wow. Just talked about stuff i never thought i would talk about with person. As soon as he told me one thing, it made my heart sink. It was what i said, i said it without thinking. I don't know if it was the rum talking. I don't know why i didn't talk to this person before i told someone else. I just fucked up. I don't know how I'm going to resolve this. Though i will damn well try. I care about these people too much.
fate. a curious concept.
I've become somewhat irrational as of late. So i do what i normally do, i seeked guidance, i pray. I don't care what your views are. I was kinda freaked out. I just asked for a method to get over my fear of death. The morning after, my budgie had died. Was this a lesson the circle of life? I felt so bad, i blamed myself, i still blame myself. Sorry Micky 3. Miss you buddy.
We watching some movies, some great (Bolt) some not so great (Freddy Got Fingered). There is a situation where i should have not gotten involved. Non of us should. It wasn't our situation. We just thought we knew what the outcome was. It was like we were afraid of destroying something we cared about so dearly, our friendship groups and in order to prevent harm to it, we might have even done more damage, ironic isn't it?
I felt like such a fuck up. I was told something, and told someone who told someone else. I have no idea how it got translated. It's like Chinese whispers, someone is bound to fuck up. I got the relayed message back and it wasn't what was said in the first place.
I'm at a loss at what to do. Last night i had a conversation with someone. It was just wow. Just talked about stuff i never thought i would talk about with person. As soon as he told me one thing, it made my heart sink. It was what i said, i said it without thinking. I don't know if it was the rum talking. I don't know why i didn't talk to this person before i told someone else. I just fucked up. I don't know how I'm going to resolve this. Though i will damn well try. I care about these people too much.
fate. a curious concept.
I've become somewhat irrational as of late. So i do what i normally do, i seeked guidance, i pray. I don't care what your views are. I was kinda freaked out. I just asked for a method to get over my fear of death. The morning after, my budgie had died. Was this a lesson the circle of life? I felt so bad, i blamed myself, i still blame myself. Sorry Micky 3. Miss you buddy.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
kjsgfneklwsfjwekl
Oh so what a week. Consider this the introductory paragraph to this weekend. I'll start with a brief summary and then start from the worst and then end with a happy ending that contains a few open ended questions for sequel blogs.
So Wednesday it was Christen's birthday and Friday it was Glen's birthday. They decided to have a combined camping trip at Atikson Dam this weekend. 9 people including me went from Carindale to Atikson Thursday night and came back yesterday afternoon. After which we decided to go see Clash of the Titans. Well only 6 of us.
An hour into the movie something happened with me. I snapped. I had a mid-life crisis while watching Persius slay the Kraken. I at first tried to focus on the movie, it failed. I tried to focus on the fact that i was somewhat a third wheel on a date, that failed, i clenched my fist and head back tears for half a hour. I stormed a bit ahead of the group, Tahni followed me asking if it was the fact that she and Glen were holding hands and such, it wasn't. It was hard to deflect questions. Like i had only met Tahni once or twice prior to the camping trip but, hey camping brings people together i guess. Still my mind was focused on that subject. I really didn't want to disclose that. Glen caught up, jumped on me, gave me a hug and changed the topic, thanks buddy.
We got to Christens, i go into the backyard and tell Tahn and Glen I'm making a call. As soon as i step into the backyard i burst into tears and call Lauren. As you can clearly see I'm the epitome of masculinity. Lauren calmed me down, we talked about fat people, she made me laugh and changed my mind. Christen saw me cry, but Lauren made it seem all better, thanks babe :). I went back inside. Dodged more questions in regards to whether i was crying or not, and went to sleep. I'm not gonna go emo on my friends, i don't want to.
Camping was eventful. It was nice and relaxing. We had one fuckhead there who was not invited but invited himself and tried his hardest to ruin the weekend. He really did come close to it. Things went down, people got drunk. I went commando, told people to focus on a particular person. I spent most of my time talking with Glen and walking around making sure he didn't trip on anything. He kept on thanking me for looking after him, we had a deep and meaningful, i told him he was one of my best friends and this was nothing. The conversation went a little awkward and gay but we remembered said words in the morning. I did the same with Christen.
Saturday we went water-skiing and what ever the equivalent to boat-powered-tubing is. It was fun, it hurt your muscles like a mother-fucker but it was fun. I gave up on skiing. I couldn't handle someones bitching about my apparent lack of effort so i just gave up, showered and crashed in the tent with people. The camping trip wasn't ruined. Like it was good to bond with people. I can now say i have like 4-5 people that i would title best friend. This makes me smile.
My birthday in 15 days. I think i might have a dinner. A very small dinner. With people that can tolerate my family. I'll be doing things separate for uni friends, maybe work peeps. I don't like parties because there are people that are gonna be like, why wasn't I invited. The simple truth is i had to put people ahead of you. It's not the fact that we're not friends but urgh. Birthday parties always lead to some form of drama, so I'm not looking forward to it really.
So Wednesday it was Christen's birthday and Friday it was Glen's birthday. They decided to have a combined camping trip at Atikson Dam this weekend. 9 people including me went from Carindale to Atikson Thursday night and came back yesterday afternoon. After which we decided to go see Clash of the Titans. Well only 6 of us.
An hour into the movie something happened with me. I snapped. I had a mid-life crisis while watching Persius slay the Kraken. I at first tried to focus on the movie, it failed. I tried to focus on the fact that i was somewhat a third wheel on a date, that failed, i clenched my fist and head back tears for half a hour. I stormed a bit ahead of the group, Tahni followed me asking if it was the fact that she and Glen were holding hands and such, it wasn't. It was hard to deflect questions. Like i had only met Tahni once or twice prior to the camping trip but, hey camping brings people together i guess. Still my mind was focused on that subject. I really didn't want to disclose that. Glen caught up, jumped on me, gave me a hug and changed the topic, thanks buddy.
We got to Christens, i go into the backyard and tell Tahn and Glen I'm making a call. As soon as i step into the backyard i burst into tears and call Lauren. As you can clearly see I'm the epitome of masculinity. Lauren calmed me down, we talked about fat people, she made me laugh and changed my mind. Christen saw me cry, but Lauren made it seem all better, thanks babe :). I went back inside. Dodged more questions in regards to whether i was crying or not, and went to sleep. I'm not gonna go emo on my friends, i don't want to.
Camping was eventful. It was nice and relaxing. We had one fuckhead there who was not invited but invited himself and tried his hardest to ruin the weekend. He really did come close to it. Things went down, people got drunk. I went commando, told people to focus on a particular person. I spent most of my time talking with Glen and walking around making sure he didn't trip on anything. He kept on thanking me for looking after him, we had a deep and meaningful, i told him he was one of my best friends and this was nothing. The conversation went a little awkward and gay but we remembered said words in the morning. I did the same with Christen.
Saturday we went water-skiing and what ever the equivalent to boat-powered-tubing is. It was fun, it hurt your muscles like a mother-fucker but it was fun. I gave up on skiing. I couldn't handle someones bitching about my apparent lack of effort so i just gave up, showered and crashed in the tent with people. The camping trip wasn't ruined. Like it was good to bond with people. I can now say i have like 4-5 people that i would title best friend. This makes me smile.
My birthday in 15 days. I think i might have a dinner. A very small dinner. With people that can tolerate my family. I'll be doing things separate for uni friends, maybe work peeps. I don't like parties because there are people that are gonna be like, why wasn't I invited. The simple truth is i had to put people ahead of you. It's not the fact that we're not friends but urgh. Birthday parties always lead to some form of drama, so I'm not looking forward to it really.
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