That one day where nothing seems to be going right and it's just dragging on forever. Yeah one of those days. Blogspot you have defiantly been a roller coaster. For the first time in nearly two years i had thought about cancelling you.
Blogspot was a median, my scapegoat when something was on my mind but i didn't want to trouble other people with. A few close friends and a lot of randoms in Asia and east Europe would read. Today was an utter fuck up. A dear friend read a blog, realised i had mentioned her and went off at me. In a sense, i acknowledge that i had fucked up but that blog was just something i needed to vent about because i didn't want to bitch to people about it. In a sense I'm glad i blogged about it because i had mistake facts and we'll discussing it would've been a bigger disaster then the blog itself. Though I've known this person since grade 9 so i have no doubt our friendship will overcome this.
Though I've spent the day nauseated, it's that feeling where you know this is a situation where you best let things work themselves out but you're too involved and feel obligated to resolve it right away. As much of an emotional wreck i was today i did my best not to do anything.
I'm still debating what to do with blogspot. Lauren said i should just invest in a diary cause there is a lesser chance of offending people. Privatisation has also been recommended. I was intending on deleting blogspot today because i thought it would make the situation go away. Though i went through my blogs to find a certain picture i posted and found myself sifting through early 2009 and prior. I became even more emotional. I found notes from the day i made my first day of uni friends, my aspirations in the new year, where i met a certain group of friends. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to destroy it, because as much as i may hate it, this is a part of me, this blog embodies what i have accomplished over the past two years.
Today i have started a new journey. Tumblr. From the 30 people following this blog i would probably only give the link to about 7 of you just because i think you get why i blog. Tumblr is the same, i don't think I'll ever be as personal as i am in this, though i think the pictures and the videos help inspire me, or make me laugh. I really enjoy the latest one i posted, the harry potter-inception cross over, it really did brighten up my day.
I've come to realise not naming someone still offends them. I think the biggest shock is when someone reads your blogs and you have no idea they are. I guess I'll attempt to stress the fact that these are my thoughts, not whinges.
It's now 12:51. I have to give a speech in about 18 hours to my tute group, better suck it up and get started. If you have tumblr let me know and I'll probably add you.
P.s I'm sorry, you know who you are.
"This is my story"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMTHDbFyc3c&feature=fvst
Life is nothing more than an inconsiderate bitch with rampart mood swings that affect everyone. Life has been going downhill for a while, especially in the part week. Somethings i managed to get off my chest talking to friends but other things i just gripped closer and hid away from the world. Sunday for some reason felt like the longest day in existence, i felt like i accomplished nothing. I spent 2 hours on public transport to spend a hour and a half at a friends house. I came home and just raged.
I'm over the things mentioned in the previous blog. I'm come to realise you really can't depend on spontaneous emotional moments because of the overwhelming possibility they will leave you crippled. I've recovered, I've learnt from my mistakes and I'm trying with every bit of my body to try and let those event's make me a better person and not leave me bitter and spiteful. Your worst enemy no matter what people say will always be yourself. When it comes down to it humanity functions on raw emotion and non can be more overwhelming then grief and anger.
Music though has an overwhelming ability to sooth the soul. A came across to the video of 'Closer to the edge' by 30 Seconds to Mars. I'll include the link because these has just changed my mood around all week.
My whole life the things that have kept me down were my insecurities and flaws. For a long time i have hated myself for these, put a facade on and just went through life like normal. There are things about myself i don't want to admit to myself because well as dramatic as it sounds it's kind of feels like life just won't be worth living. I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic and to a degree i am but there are things about my personality, my mental and emotional state i will have to address. For the most part it's things I'll do alone because i don't want to allow people in. I know there are a few people i can come to if things get overwhelming but my father his whole life has kept everything to himself until he breaks down and unfortunately I'll be the same.
Though you know what. I'm over it, I'm over other people and I'm quite frankly over myself. I'm sick of all this self-analysis. I'm sick of guilt tripping myself, feeling i owe people apologies for things i want to do that i haven't even done. My mind is a complicated place and for the most part over the 19 years I've memorized routes around it, but i think it's time i started exploring an developing some short cuts.
One thing is I'm going to get over the fact that i feel obligated to apologise for things that i do, that happen in the course of my life and things i want to do in the future, I'm not saying 'I'm sorry'. I've worked my arse to get where i am. I know a lot of people don't approve of things I've done, my degree, my choice to take a promotion at work, the amount of time i spend with my friends and not studying.
I'm really going to try and make the most of the rest of 2010. I know a lot of things have changed and will continue to change. Though i honestly want to live a life without regrets but it just seems to be the hardest thing in the world because there just seems to be a never ending line of people that want to try and fuck you over. Though I'm going to keep going at it the way i am. My friends will be my priority until i figure out what i am going to do with my life. I'm going to hit this new job with everything i have. I'm going to keep driving and eventually i will buy my own car with my own money and hard work because i know my parents are going to be unable to help me out. It doesn't bother me at all, i want to become self-sufficient, i know the kind of people i want to be. Though i know i need to try and be more proactive with it. If i upset a few people along the way, I'll live.
'I will live my life' - 30 Seconds to Mars.
I'm over the things mentioned in the previous blog. I'm come to realise you really can't depend on spontaneous emotional moments because of the overwhelming possibility they will leave you crippled. I've recovered, I've learnt from my mistakes and I'm trying with every bit of my body to try and let those event's make me a better person and not leave me bitter and spiteful. Your worst enemy no matter what people say will always be yourself. When it comes down to it humanity functions on raw emotion and non can be more overwhelming then grief and anger.
Music though has an overwhelming ability to sooth the soul. A came across to the video of 'Closer to the edge' by 30 Seconds to Mars. I'll include the link because these has just changed my mood around all week.
My whole life the things that have kept me down were my insecurities and flaws. For a long time i have hated myself for these, put a facade on and just went through life like normal. There are things about myself i don't want to admit to myself because well as dramatic as it sounds it's kind of feels like life just won't be worth living. I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic and to a degree i am but there are things about my personality, my mental and emotional state i will have to address. For the most part it's things I'll do alone because i don't want to allow people in. I know there are a few people i can come to if things get overwhelming but my father his whole life has kept everything to himself until he breaks down and unfortunately I'll be the same.
Though you know what. I'm over it, I'm over other people and I'm quite frankly over myself. I'm sick of all this self-analysis. I'm sick of guilt tripping myself, feeling i owe people apologies for things i want to do that i haven't even done. My mind is a complicated place and for the most part over the 19 years I've memorized routes around it, but i think it's time i started exploring an developing some short cuts.
One thing is I'm going to get over the fact that i feel obligated to apologise for things that i do, that happen in the course of my life and things i want to do in the future, I'm not saying 'I'm sorry'. I've worked my arse to get where i am. I know a lot of people don't approve of things I've done, my degree, my choice to take a promotion at work, the amount of time i spend with my friends and not studying.
I'm really going to try and make the most of the rest of 2010. I know a lot of things have changed and will continue to change. Though i honestly want to live a life without regrets but it just seems to be the hardest thing in the world because there just seems to be a never ending line of people that want to try and fuck you over. Though I'm going to keep going at it the way i am. My friends will be my priority until i figure out what i am going to do with my life. I'm going to hit this new job with everything i have. I'm going to keep driving and eventually i will buy my own car with my own money and hard work because i know my parents are going to be unable to help me out. It doesn't bother me at all, i want to become self-sufficient, i know the kind of people i want to be. Though i know i need to try and be more proactive with it. If i upset a few people along the way, I'll live.
'I will live my life' - 30 Seconds to Mars.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Life's escapades (edited)
Oh blogspot, it's been a while old friend. So this is going to be a massive epic catch up blog, as i haven't been on in a while because the life of Dejan has taken many turns.
First step we shall take a look at is university. Today marks the begging of Week 5 of the QUT curriculum. I''m failing at it. I mean not in the regard that i am failing my semester but rather than i am rather become less and less attentive with it. I only have one internal subject, one external and one intensive. I have not been keeping up to par with my external study. I had this horrible dream last weekend that i was going to wake up to an assignment due the same day. A similar thing happened. Tracey, good all Tracey, hereby refereed to as God asked me how i was going with the assignment i had due Friday. What assignment was Dejan's response. So in 4 days i had madly rushed to get my annotated bibliography done. It was one day late. Various things affected my decision and i want to address them. First off all the assignment was worth 20%, Justice late penalty is only 5%, i did the maths and that was only one mark. The second was work. I had work the day it was due, if i had the day off I'm sure i could've finished it. Michael offered that i take the day off, but i believed that i had a responsibility not to let university commitments clash with work commitments because of things soon to come (This will be explained later). I think I've been putting it off because i wanted my work plan to come to fruition so i could assess my life into a schedule so i would have designated times to study. I want to believe that's why i haven't been doing uni work but only time will tell.
The next thing is address is work life. So it was declared i was getting one of the two allocated promotions to assistant manager. Well it wasn't declared someone let it slip and yeah know everyone knows. There is a little awkwardness about the whole situation, most obvious being a co-worker broke out into tears. I for some reason feel bad that i got it, though i know that i deserve it. I lack the self-confidence but lately I've just been working my ass off and Pete and Michael noticed and bought it up. I think the highlight was when Michael told me he thought i was the hardest worker there, including himself. Like that one compliment meant the world to me and was what fueled me to go for it. I know that i have no where near the customer skills and capabilities the girls have, non of the guys can match them, this what i need to work on. I've proved i can handle the organisational part of it, like i can close and what not. It's just going to be hard being the new Michael. I have no where near the knowledge he does, i don't have the confidence the girls do, i know shit all about anime and PC games in comparison to Ty. Like it's only going to get harder but I'm determined to work my arse off. We're having a meeting about it this week, so we'll find out what's happening. I already know I'll be working at both stores because Michael wants me to remain with him. I want to as well, i don't want my little work group to split into two factions. This work meeting is worrying me because we just got mystery shopped and I'm worried that it was me, and I'll get a bad review and it's gut-wrenching. Though I know I'm at the right job, i now this is where i believe. Friday Michael convinced me to start up Magic with him. For those of you that are rusty on Magic The Gathering, it's apparently the first ever card game. Me and Michael both bought a starter deck, and went halves on a 8 booster pack set. After we closed the store a customer came back and taught us how to place and directed us. It was fun, it was overly nerdy but i enjoyed it. Tomorrow after i finish work Me, Michael and Natalie are going to play in the backroom. I am actually really excited about this and shall spend far to much money on booster packs tomorrow.
My love life. Not something i talk about. Not something i enjoy talking about because i find it rather private and personal. I have a friend who i confide my issues with and he logically provides me with an answer, he is the expert to my situations on these. Lately I've thought i had feelings for someone, like romantic let's hold hands and all that kind of shit feelings. I was made aware that this person unfortunately had feelings for someone else, someone i know is far better looking then me and by the sounds of it has a better personality, yay team. It was a bit of a rage crisis, though like i said i talked it over with a friend, it was somewhat resolved. Like i still don't know where i want to go with it. The various issues are, maybe these people are meant to be together, why should i interfere. The whole, if i get jealous i lose a friend. The idea of would i even be able to handle a relationship with this person and most critically do i actually want to have a relationship with this person or is it just jealousy. I have not arrived at a conclusion, aside from the fact that i am quite over being 'Plan B'. I know what I'm going to do, i lack the self-confidence to attempt to explain how i feel so I'm just going to sex with a few other people in hopes I'll forget all about these feelings. I know how bad it is, though it's how i function, I'm not emotionally apt to deal with such situations. Part of me wants to create a separate blogspot account away from my friends just so i can go into detail because i don't feel comfortable expressing how i really feel. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the majority of the friends i have i relationships are crashing and burning, no other phrase to describe it and I'm worried I'll just be conforming. A friend bought this to my attention and i don't want people to get the wrong impression. My so-called solution isn't a literal thing, it's how i would've solved my problem and how i would like to, but i won't, somethings changed, something i might discuss in a later blog.
Family will be the closing chapter. I'm worried about my mother. She is unable to work because a neck plate has moved out of place and is applying pressure on her spinal cord. I for some reason feel partially responsible. I feel like my mother was forced to do a job she didn't enjoy that physically drained her so she could help provide for me and my sister. She's trying to get work cover, but it's such a long drawn out process. I'm just waiting to start permanent-part time so i can get the extra hours to be able to pitch in. I want to help provide for my family but right now i don't have the means for it. On the plus side mum being home has given her time to take me driving. I'm half way up on my hours, we'll nearly. Driving has been something new, I've gone from the stage where i hate it to where I'm actually OK driving. I hate driving 40 kilometres in construction zones because no one else does and i feel bad keeping people back. I still hate driving with a 4WD behind me. I almost died driving with dad because his teaching method is not something anyone can handle, the whole yelling backseat driver. After our literal near death experience.
So all in all life has been pretty alright. Granted it was a really shit week. I have another assignment due Wednesday so i need to get started on that but it won't be till tomorrow night. My friends are amazing, even though there are some i don't get to spend enough time with. Last night i felt awkward with friends, i had a lot on my mind and i just sat in the corner not saying a word because i wanted to be alone. Though after everyone went to bed me and Glen stayed up for a while just talking about it. It kinda helped, it's nice to know that some people are gonna be there for you. I need to get things in order. I want to see more friends more often. I want to put more effort into uni and work. I want to get back into training and general fitness, though most people are fasting now because of Ramadan, though i am looking forward to the slight festivities i get to be included when it is over. No quotes or lyrics, i just wanted to get things off my chest. This has been my life as of late. More blog's to come, hopefully more cheery.
First step we shall take a look at is university. Today marks the begging of Week 5 of the QUT curriculum. I''m failing at it. I mean not in the regard that i am failing my semester but rather than i am rather become less and less attentive with it. I only have one internal subject, one external and one intensive. I have not been keeping up to par with my external study. I had this horrible dream last weekend that i was going to wake up to an assignment due the same day. A similar thing happened. Tracey, good all Tracey, hereby refereed to as God asked me how i was going with the assignment i had due Friday. What assignment was Dejan's response. So in 4 days i had madly rushed to get my annotated bibliography done. It was one day late. Various things affected my decision and i want to address them. First off all the assignment was worth 20%, Justice late penalty is only 5%, i did the maths and that was only one mark. The second was work. I had work the day it was due, if i had the day off I'm sure i could've finished it. Michael offered that i take the day off, but i believed that i had a responsibility not to let university commitments clash with work commitments because of things soon to come (This will be explained later). I think I've been putting it off because i wanted my work plan to come to fruition so i could assess my life into a schedule so i would have designated times to study. I want to believe that's why i haven't been doing uni work but only time will tell.
The next thing is address is work life. So it was declared i was getting one of the two allocated promotions to assistant manager. Well it wasn't declared someone let it slip and yeah know everyone knows. There is a little awkwardness about the whole situation, most obvious being a co-worker broke out into tears. I for some reason feel bad that i got it, though i know that i deserve it. I lack the self-confidence but lately I've just been working my ass off and Pete and Michael noticed and bought it up. I think the highlight was when Michael told me he thought i was the hardest worker there, including himself. Like that one compliment meant the world to me and was what fueled me to go for it. I know that i have no where near the customer skills and capabilities the girls have, non of the guys can match them, this what i need to work on. I've proved i can handle the organisational part of it, like i can close and what not. It's just going to be hard being the new Michael. I have no where near the knowledge he does, i don't have the confidence the girls do, i know shit all about anime and PC games in comparison to Ty. Like it's only going to get harder but I'm determined to work my arse off. We're having a meeting about it this week, so we'll find out what's happening. I already know I'll be working at both stores because Michael wants me to remain with him. I want to as well, i don't want my little work group to split into two factions. This work meeting is worrying me because we just got mystery shopped and I'm worried that it was me, and I'll get a bad review and it's gut-wrenching. Though I know I'm at the right job, i now this is where i believe. Friday Michael convinced me to start up Magic with him. For those of you that are rusty on Magic The Gathering, it's apparently the first ever card game. Me and Michael both bought a starter deck, and went halves on a 8 booster pack set. After we closed the store a customer came back and taught us how to place and directed us. It was fun, it was overly nerdy but i enjoyed it. Tomorrow after i finish work Me, Michael and Natalie are going to play in the backroom. I am actually really excited about this and shall spend far to much money on booster packs tomorrow.
My love life. Not something i talk about. Not something i enjoy talking about because i find it rather private and personal. I have a friend who i confide my issues with and he logically provides me with an answer, he is the expert to my situations on these. Lately I've thought i had feelings for someone, like romantic let's hold hands and all that kind of shit feelings. I was made aware that this person unfortunately had feelings for someone else, someone i know is far better looking then me and by the sounds of it has a better personality, yay team. It was a bit of a rage crisis, though like i said i talked it over with a friend, it was somewhat resolved. Like i still don't know where i want to go with it. The various issues are, maybe these people are meant to be together, why should i interfere. The whole, if i get jealous i lose a friend. The idea of would i even be able to handle a relationship with this person and most critically do i actually want to have a relationship with this person or is it just jealousy. I have not arrived at a conclusion, aside from the fact that i am quite over being 'Plan B'. I know what I'm going to do, i lack the self-confidence to attempt to explain how i feel so I'm just going to sex with a few other people in hopes I'll forget all about these feelings. I know how bad it is, though it's how i function, I'm not emotionally apt to deal with such situations. Part of me wants to create a separate blogspot account away from my friends just so i can go into detail because i don't feel comfortable expressing how i really feel. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the majority of the friends i have i relationships are crashing and burning, no other phrase to describe it and I'm worried I'll just be conforming. A friend bought this to my attention and i don't want people to get the wrong impression. My so-called solution isn't a literal thing, it's how i would've solved my problem and how i would like to, but i won't, somethings changed, something i might discuss in a later blog.
Family will be the closing chapter. I'm worried about my mother. She is unable to work because a neck plate has moved out of place and is applying pressure on her spinal cord. I for some reason feel partially responsible. I feel like my mother was forced to do a job she didn't enjoy that physically drained her so she could help provide for me and my sister. She's trying to get work cover, but it's such a long drawn out process. I'm just waiting to start permanent-part time so i can get the extra hours to be able to pitch in. I want to help provide for my family but right now i don't have the means for it. On the plus side mum being home has given her time to take me driving. I'm half way up on my hours, we'll nearly. Driving has been something new, I've gone from the stage where i hate it to where I'm actually OK driving. I hate driving 40 kilometres in construction zones because no one else does and i feel bad keeping people back. I still hate driving with a 4WD behind me. I almost died driving with dad because his teaching method is not something anyone can handle, the whole yelling backseat driver. After our literal near death experience.
So all in all life has been pretty alright. Granted it was a really shit week. I have another assignment due Wednesday so i need to get started on that but it won't be till tomorrow night. My friends are amazing, even though there are some i don't get to spend enough time with. Last night i felt awkward with friends, i had a lot on my mind and i just sat in the corner not saying a word because i wanted to be alone. Though after everyone went to bed me and Glen stayed up for a while just talking about it. It kinda helped, it's nice to know that some people are gonna be there for you. I need to get things in order. I want to see more friends more often. I want to put more effort into uni and work. I want to get back into training and general fitness, though most people are fasting now because of Ramadan, though i am looking forward to the slight festivities i get to be included when it is over. No quotes or lyrics, i just wanted to get things off my chest. This has been my life as of late. More blog's to come, hopefully more cheery.
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