Hold me down

joy. happiness. envy. jealously. spite. sex. delusion. sex. sex. companionship. affair. sex. fight. A modern day relationship.

I was kidding myself. I'm not going to get into a deep meaningful relationship. I see friends. Most of their relationships bust. Relationships generally end friendships. They seem to just bring on a lot of shit; the notion of what a relationship used to be has changed dramatically. I love you goes around like gonorrhea though instead of the burning sensation people are overwhelmed my jealously and paranoia. I don't want that; i don't want to turn into that.

You me at six - Safer to hate her
logically, reasonable, practical.

I dislike the realisation that quite a few friendships were based upon the foundation of school. That once we left school we suddenly hand nothing in common and we lost contact. A once dear friend could infuriate me so; it makes me feel cruddy.

Sick of waiting for people to change or in some cases to change back. Fuck you indefinitely if you're going to be that way. I've still got my friends. I'm still making more friends. Deep and meaningful conversations were held tonight. I wish i could fix situations between people but i can't. As large as my ego is, i don't believe i have all the answers.

I had a horrid nightmare quite a few days ago. I have many dreams. Most are not worth mentioning because I'm starting to realise a particularly letter might not come for reasons other than the incompetent lack of communication between Australia Post and The Ministry of Magic. I dream that i grew old alone. I hate that thought. I want a kid more than anything. A family. I know why i had this dream, it was of a subconscious realisation. Well lack of realisation. I still refuse to believe some things because they scare the shit out of me.

While there are people out there suffering in the world; i am one of those selfish egoist that suffer from their own personality. I hate a lot of things about me. Though most of it isn't a physical level it's a mental thing. I hate some of my values, beliefs but most of all i hate my mind. I hate the way i think, the things i think about. I wish i could change it oh so much. Lying to fit in, lying to make conversations, I'm getting sick and tired of choking on my own self loathing every time i pretend to laugh. Part's of my life are a beautiful lie, though for the time being it's stuff I'll take to my grave. Though i shouldn't end on a sad note now should I? My pokedex tonight reached 400 and I'm the proud and legitimate owner of a shiny Raticate.