http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMTHDbFyc3c&feature=fvst

Life is nothing more than an inconsiderate bitch with rampart mood swings that affect everyone. Life has been going downhill for a while, especially in the part week. Somethings i managed to get off my chest talking to friends but other things i just gripped closer and hid away from the world. Sunday for some reason felt like the longest day in existence, i felt like i accomplished nothing. I spent 2 hours on public transport to spend a hour and a half at a friends house. I came home and just raged.

I'm over the things mentioned in the previous blog. I'm come to realise you really can't depend on spontaneous emotional moments because of the overwhelming possibility they will leave you crippled. I've recovered, I've learnt from my mistakes and I'm trying with every bit of my body to try and let those event's make me a better person and not leave me bitter and spiteful. Your worst enemy no matter what people say will always be yourself. When it comes down to it humanity functions on raw emotion and non can be more overwhelming then grief and anger.

Music though has an overwhelming ability to sooth the soul. A came across to the video of 'Closer to the edge' by 30 Seconds to Mars. I'll include the link because these has just changed my mood around all week.

My whole life the things that have kept me down were my insecurities and flaws. For a long time i have hated myself for these, put a facade on and just went through life like normal. There are things about myself i don't want to admit to myself because well as dramatic as it sounds it's kind of feels like life just won't be worth living. I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic and to a degree i am but there are things about my personality, my mental and emotional state i will have to address. For the most part it's things I'll do alone because i don't want to allow people in. I know there are a few people i can come to if things get overwhelming but my father his whole life has kept everything to himself until he breaks down and unfortunately I'll be the same.

Though you know what. I'm over it, I'm over other people and I'm quite frankly over myself. I'm sick of all this self-analysis. I'm sick of guilt tripping myself, feeling i owe people apologies for things i want to do that i haven't even done. My mind is a complicated place and for the most part over the 19 years I've memorized routes around it, but i think it's time i started exploring an developing some short cuts.

One thing is I'm going to get over the fact that i feel obligated to apologise for things that i do, that happen in the course of my life and things i want to do in the future, I'm not saying 'I'm sorry'. I've worked my arse to get where i am. I know a lot of people don't approve of things I've done, my degree, my choice to take a promotion at work, the amount of time i spend with my friends and not studying.

I'm really going to try and make the most of the rest of 2010. I know a lot of things have changed and will continue to change. Though i honestly want to live a life without regrets but it just seems to be the hardest thing in the world because there just seems to be a never ending line of people that want to try and fuck you over. Though I'm going to keep going at it the way i am. My friends will be my priority until i figure out what i am going to do with my life. I'm going to hit this new job with everything i have. I'm going to keep driving and eventually i will buy my own car with my own money and hard work because i know my parents are going to be unable to help me out. It doesn't bother me at all, i want to become self-sufficient, i know the kind of people i want to be. Though i know i need to try and be more proactive with it. If i upset a few people along the way, I'll live.

'I will live my life' - 30 Seconds to Mars.