Regretable decisions.

I decided I'm gonna be the bigger man figuratively.
I will host my birthday 'drink-up' on a different day.
But i will not be attending her party,
Nor will i invite her to mine.
I will not spend my day putting on a facade.
I feel sad that so many of my friends will be there.
But i will see them soon enough.
On my birthday i will we organising a movie with close friends.
Then a BBQ at my house.
Thank you Em, Tara and Karli for wearing me down last night.
I know my plans are selfish, but i have a right to be.
Regardless what is said i see myself as the virtuous one.
Regardless what Aristotle thinks.
Supernova is Saturday and I'm so excited.
I won't let this keep me down.
Time to stand tall again.
Though of course its a lot easier said than done.

Melly's Going away box social; Sunday 5th; 11.30 Svoboda Park
Be there.

Still a house of cards

I posted a blog not two hours ago.
But i deleted it.
I don't know to think.
I am angry and a lot of things.
I feel like i can say, "I wholeheartedly hate someone"
Not hating them as a person, but because i feel they took something.
Something metaphorical that i can't get back.
I could do so easily, i would anger a lot of people.
And i can not say that sentence without saying "Why do i care"

I hate ethics. My ethics class.
Its pointed out the flaw in my thinking.
But its just so hard to be the bigger man.
I just want to hit something, drink excessively, and run away.
Tonight i have said things that i have always morally opposed.
I could always find a reason to tell people to cheer up and can not for myself.

I sit here at 2 am fighting my own train of thoughts.
Oh what to do, deontology doesn't work, utilitarianism doesn't apply, all that's left is egoism.

Viva La Vida

I used to rule the word

Seas would rise when i gave the word

Now the morning I sleep alone

Sweep the streets I use to own

I used to roll the dice

Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes

Listen to the crowd would sing

"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

I've had that dream before, i wish i could experience it.
Just to be able to control something.

I didn't talk to that person

Not surprised i haven't talked to them since i had the original thought in high school
Everyone tells me my life will get better if i have a schedule
Guess I'll give it a go.

Bachelor of Justice

From the amount of work.

I should be doing a
"Bachelor of Art"

If you can't tell, theres 6 ninjas on my lecture notes.

I 'doodle' alot these days, and its winning me the respect of my peers.

But im not just a one sketch guy, i do superheros as well.

Side notes;
I can't lie anymore.Like physically my face gives out even the tiniest of 'fibs'.
I used to be so good at it, where for out thou facade.
I bet libbys like "Haha i remember when he pronounced it "fa-kade"
haha so do i little fat one.
I feel dead. The lecture i was like "........."

You can tell by the ninjas.
It has to be my best work to date.

I have an assignment due next week, have yet to start.

Why?
Another worksheet on monday..

I got the results back from my first worksheet.

13/20 not to happy.
Neither was dad, "at least you passed, now pick your act up"
Not the exact words, but the jist.'

I don't mean to demonize, but im pissed don't know why.
I think its the flu making me all moody.

I hate nagging and patronising.
"Your gonna be late"
"Have you got everything"
"FUCK OFF PLEASE"
I do it ever day when your not here, i can make my own breakfast.
I KNOW HOW TO READ THE CLOCK.
I've come to reason when no one nags, im early, i do things swifty.

But its like when someone nags, you slack off just to make a point.

Though your making their point.
Why am i so angry all of a sudden, i don't mean what i say.

I'm not in the best frame of mind, and haven't been in a while.

I should go see someone special tomorrow,

we got a few things to discuss, but i don't think i will.

I'm gonna tell dad i want mums side of the family at my birthday.

Wonder if he'll reefer to me as "her kid" or claim i'm turning against him.

I'm preparing for the worst.

Inviting people to my birthday as well, if i manage to call the hotel.

There are certain people i don't want there, but i can not reject someone.

Oh well, i should make an announcement.
That i don't want to be friends with anyone that doesn't put in the effort and waits for me to make the initial contact, i find i just don't care anymore.

So tired, waking up at 7, leaving leaving by 7.30

Hustle and Bustle of the early city life
I wish i could wear a suit like everyone else.

"And say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say if it's worth saving me"

I have no idea why these lyrics are in my head.
I couldn't even remember the song.
Had to google, damn you unconscious riddle.
One day i'm gonna blog about all the weird dreams i'm having.
And the conspiracies i have behind them.

You stand so tall with the weight of the world on your shoulders

don't let them break you.

damn you high school memories.

on the bus to uni, musical montage.

then comes "soulja boy"

my head drops, eye's clench

so hard not to shout swear words on the bus

Why did you make me dance it Niall?"
Why did you youtube it Jayce?

T_T

5 weeks into uni.

still no epiphany

What to do.

Damn assignment due in two weeks

procrastinating as usual

title comes from a new found favourite song

after seeing madina lake live i didn't think much could compare

but a myspace band added me

1/40 being decent isn't to bad

Their message said;
"If your bored of Internet porn, check us out were just as good"
made me laugh

so i did, and their pretty sweet

Circles and Squares - The Overunder

I still think im ignoring the fact that Mel is moving to warwick.

simply cause i don't want it to happen.

Congrats libby on the new job, you deserve it.
tara is awsome, i forget the reason why. but just is.

I still laugh at the fact that Karli pointed out that we don't need to talk due to blogspot

and i'm still ever-so proud of that fat joke i through at Bec

Bec- "I brought my own food..."
Dejan(cutting Bec's sentence short)-"Course you did"

Nothing significant happened today so i'm talking about stuff.
I've come to a dilemma, i want to plan my 18th

but theres one thing in the way

Dad hates mums side of the family and hasn't talk to them in a long while

so i have yet to muster enough courage to ask him

I also got a invite from a Belgium band

they kinda suck, but the lead singer reminds me of ben

i bet some form of karma will get me if i don't add them

Laura Allen- I have come to recall that i never myspaced you about what time i'm at uni
i'm truly sorry and will message you tonight

i'm becoming quit the homophobe.

a certain person who stairs at me in awkward situations wanted to take
me for a walk to a place i have not been to

I publicly freaked out looking for reasons not to go.

even though i could physically overpower him he tried something

but still ; ;

Karli, Libby, Tara: I would like to formally extend a invitation to supernova.

Thats about it for tonight,
good night.

Damn it all

I'm about to start my first full length assignment.

Part of me is worried, cause i don't want to get back into that routine of stress.

Its the first thing I've had to overcome in a while.

Friday night was awesome.

Thank you Karli (y).

Though my father knows how to be awkward.

Its hard to prove that you didn't participate in a foursome that never quite took place.
regardless if i was told i tried to spoon in my sleep.
/sigh

This is a bit from my sociology class, kinda made my mind churn.

Damn learning.


"The nature versus nurture debate concerns the influences on human behaviour and understanding, and whether there is greater influence from genetic inheritance (nature) or from learning and experience of the environment Justice and Society 29 (nurture).

However, the huge differences across cultures in behaviour, attitudes and beliefs suggest that human beings are not prevented by biology from developing very different cultural patterns, not from producing many differences among their individual members.

Thus while the needs of sexuality and procreation must be satisfied as much as the need to eat, one of the obvious deductions which can be made from the data of anthropology is that these needs are hardly ever satisfied in any ‘natural’ form, any more than are the needs for food. Hunger is hunger, but what counts as food is culturally determined and obtained. Australians eat oysters but not snails. French eat snails but not locusts. Zulus eat locusts but not fish. Jews eat fish but not pork. Hindus eat pork but not beef. Russians eat beef but not snakes. Chinese eat snakes but not people. The Jale of New Guinea find people delicious.

Sex is sex, but what counts as sex is equally culturally determined and obtained. Every society also has a set of arrangements by which the biological raw material of human sex and procreation is shaped by human, social intervention and satisfied in a conventional manner. Among the Banaro, marriage involves several socially sanctioned sexual partnerships. When a woman is married, she is initiated into intercourse by the sib-friend of her groom’s father. After bearing a child by this man, she begins to have intercourse with her husband. She also has an institutionalised partnership with the sibfriend of her husband. A man’s partners include his wife, the wife of his sibfriend, and the wife of his sib-friend’s son. Multiple intercourse is a more pronounced custom among the Marind Anim. At the time of marriage, the bride has intercourse with all of the members of the groom’s clan, the groom coming last. Every major festival is accompanied by a practice known as otiv-bombari, in which semen is collected for ritual purposes. A few women have intercourse with many men, and the resulting semen is collected in coconut shell buckets. A Marind male engages in multiple homosexual intercourse during initiation. Among the Etoro, heterosexual intercourse is taboo for between 205 and 260 days per year. In much of New Guinea, men fear copulation and think that it will kill them if they engage in it without magical precautions. In New Britain, men’s fear of sex is so extreme that rape appears to be feared by men rather than women. Women run after the men, who flee from them, women are the sexual aggressors, and it is bridegrooms who are reluctant.

We spend our lives accumulating private possessions; the BaMbuti of the Congo forests spend their lives sharing their goods; the Kwakiutl of the Pacific North west periodically gave them away or destroyed them at great ceremonies. Our norms have traditionally valued premarital chastity; the norms of the Mentawei of Indonesia require women to become pregnant before they can be considered eligible for marriage; the norms of the Keraki of New Guinea require premarital homosexuality in every male. Women in traditional Arab societies must cover the entire body and even the face; Australian women may expose their faces but must keep their breasts and their entire pelvic region concealed; women in many parts of Africa may expose their breasts and buttocks but not the genital region; women in Tierra del Fuego may not expose their backs, and Tasaday women in the Philippines proceed about their daily lives stark naked. The range of cultural variation is so immense that probably no specific norm appears in every human society. Much of it has to do with the social construction of gender identity."

Dream Chaser.

I feel a little different.

I'm starting to listen to the sub-conscious dejan a little more.

It feels a bit like an adventure,

Yesterday i had a dream, it was a simple dream.

I met someone i have not met before, though i know of this person.

Though they did not look like what i know them to appear to look like in the dream.

I was just at hungry jacks, i ordered a small cheeseburger meal and bumped into this person.

Then montages happened and i life changed.

not romantically.

I woke up, and could not remember this dream.
It felt really significant though, so i spent ages trying to figure what happened.

and i did, that day i could not stop thinking of that dream.
I kept on thinking 'who is this person'

so before my first lecture, i detoured and went to hungry jacks.
i thought i would just jump into someone i know.

I ordered a small cheeseburger meal.

No one showed up.

I was kinda disappointed.

Uni went on.
I still feel uncomfortable when men check me out especially when i stretch.

Even though its just one man.

Still.

People are forming friendships at uni.

Its a lot harder than i recall.

I dont remember how me and my friends became close friends.

I spent all day today playing nots and crosses with joe in a lecture.

prior i cited with mel and sarah and her gay friend Kevin.

we were in myer.

Me and mel checking out mens underwear.

You know the boxer-briefs with the little crotch hole?

Mel didn't know.

"Hey Dejan you can put your phone in here! Wow thats handy"
She said, soon did i tell her what it was for.

Law library is too quiet, i hate it.
I love Brisbane at night, the lights.

The bus ride home at 9.

The Ferris wheel a glow

The ballet and Chicago posters.

magic

Libation

AND Is now my regular dinner.

You know your lonely.
When you get a buzz out of leaving a comment on someones blogspot.Though its not the comments that make me feel warm.
Buts its those security words.
Like
'furning'
and
'pudgrack'
that make me laughed feel satisfied with life.

By the way libation is the word of the day.

Couldn't think of anything original.

Memory Lane.

I find myself wondering;

I found myself on a girls facebook
wondering if i should have stuck out for more than one date

I find myself on another persons myspace

wondering if me and him could be best friends again

I recall weird things

Like when libby hated me

Like when Karli sat in front of me in maths class and would play "Forever Young" everyday cause it was her favourite song

I remember when i used to change my personality to fit in with certain people
I remember when i made out with cheryl, eww

i remember crying in the bathroom cause 'divorce' sacred me so much

I find it weird that people i didn't talk to are my best friends

but i couldn't be happier with the result

I just want to know where the future gonna lead
(y)

Nickelback - Photograph
pretty sweet song.

I'm watching the first episode of season 3 of NCIS again.
Man do i love this show.
Is it weird to feel sad for someone that died.

That you don't really know.
And know is still alive in real life
?

155

Oh how i hate you.
City express my aunt fanny.

I've never really understood that term.

You took me to Griffith in 15 mins. But the City...
I was late for my tut.

I got there and 10 minutes i left again :S

Hurrah?..

To that old witch on the 150 back.
DIE!
Like seriously, i don't give my seat up unless the person is nice.

You practically sat on my lap.

I stared forward to avoid eye contact.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU WOULD NOT STOP STICKING YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF MINE LIKE YOU WERE HEADBUTTING THE WINDOW!
Seriously;;

You have the nerve to look down at me.

AND WHY WERE YOU RUBBING YOURSELF AGAINST ME KNEE!
It's so hard to stay a straight man in this cruel world.

In my JSB176 Class;

We had do discuss all forms of sexual acts.

It was amusing.

I now know all form of prostitutes can claim tax benefits on kinky outfits.

It being a legitimate business expense.
And there's a Union.
But when we talked about bestiality.

He told about us when he arrested a man for trying to have sex with a duck.

Which leads me my question:

Is it really possible to get it 'in' a duck?

I've kind of given up on love, for the time being.
I don't think anyone can surpass Claire Hooper.
XD
Though i think i may have a thing for DeAnne Smith
Even though she is a lesbian;
I'll find a way around it.

I cried today;
"What word would you want to hear Kevin Rudd say more often?"
"...Vagina"

I don't know why i laughed so.

White-Green

Ok, I'll get to that;

To my followers, ill read your blogs soon.

Just got back from Gympie.

One of my new year resolutions was to go on a road trip.

And that was last night.

Me Rob Frank and Pipa took a drive to Gympie.

For my Grading.
Boy did we get lost in Gympie,
we blame NavChick.

Its really a NavMan but with a female voice,

so we thought it was trying to get us killed cause we were calling it NavChick.

Its like its a real person, cause it made us drive into the no-where of Gympie.
Like ditches and farms you see in such movies as
"Jeepers Creeper" and "The Ring"
I was just suprised no Crazy man with a hook was charging at us.

Though Franks ol' school muscle car isnt that good for bush bashing.

But we got there; at 11.30pm.
I hate roosters, bitch woke me up at 5.
Then rob woke me up at 7 and told me training in 1 minute.

I was hungry ; ;.

But after countless people psyching me out.

I passed, and now have my White-Green Belt.

Now all i have to do is learn indonesian and translate an entire book in 3 months.

Easy...

Uni Update

Ethics;

Wow;

It would have to be my favourite topic, not just because its so out there. I'm starting to come out of my shell a little, partisipating in 'aggressive discussions' shall we call em. My tutor is pretty cool she's laid back and sarcastic, finds political correctness amusing, so we get along well.

We had to watch a doco on Peter Singer, called "A dangerous Mind".
It was kinda mind blowing, made me argue with myself before argueing with other people. The video was on Ultilitarianism; and Singers views on when one should end ones life and under what circumstances . Two things about that video got me, one was the image of babies in intestive care, guess i'm not heartless.
The other was watching a old ladies suicide tape.

It was uethanesia, but it was her last moments on tape.

It make feel sad in here.

*Points to place near nipple*

Uni's going good.
I made my first uni friend.

Like someone i would hang out with outside of uni.
Hes not a nerd, he jokes around with me.
So its all good.

Lifes good, first time in a while
(y)

I'm Still Here

Uni's weird, starting to dislike it.
Ok maybe im lieing; its not weird.

One thing i find myself lacking these days is motivation, which is an essential part of uni life i've figured. I can't bring myself to study, i cant bring myself to do the readings, i can't bring myself print out 15 pages a day for a lecture or a tutorial. I dozed off in my last lecture, i felt so bad. If i keep this attitude up i could fail the units, and i know then i'll never get into law.

Though i don't know if i want to get into law, i don't know if know if i want to join the police force. One of my lectures, his names Jan, hes cool. Hes a profiler, we printed out a sheet with the classes id photos on there, i found it creepy when he said to one girl, "You dont have dark hair in this photo" but hes like a ninja-profiler. He can tell when i have something to say like seconds after i have the thought, its kinda of intimidating but like, "wow".

He introduced himself and hes like; i've only worked in Canada, America with the FBI, Hong Kong, Thailand, Afghanistan, i've designed a few police course, i was a negotiator and i did a bit of anti-terrorism work; Hi, my Dejan, i'm doing criminology and i don't know what i want to do with my life, i think my reply had him beat.

Karli, i need to talk to your mum about policing, i dont seem to find you on msn, so im communicating via blogspot (Y).

Something that frustrates me is friends, part of me doesn't want to adapt to uni, because my friends aren't there. I don't have the insightful karli, the comedic libby, the distracting bec, the witty clayton and so on. This girl named Angel talked with me before a lecture and i wasn't the best company i know that, shes not what i'm used to.

Maybe next tutorial i'll call her fat and see how that goes?

A lot of things have been bothering me lately, ever since i broke up with bec i've kind of gone back to bottling it all up, i hate to say it but the only time i feel happy is when i'm drinking. I'd say 'seeing my friends as well' but its been too long.

D:

On that note i've finally remembered and realised everything that happened at Kelly's 18th.
T_T I don't know how to approach the situations though.

I also find the older people intimidating, i was forced to have a discussion with a third year law student and i just didn't want to say anything cause i would look like a fool. Also the older older people raised a discussions about late night porn adds, their description made me laugh, though Joe or Dean laughed as well, so i didnt feel as bad.

I can't concentrate at training, my mind is all over the place, i have trouble looking at dad, like his surgery wen't fine and ill no doubt freak out about his next one, but i can still see him in pain and when he has the sling on i just stay in my room.

I'm turning into Brodie, though i am taking precautions with my hair, i mean Bryce probably gets out more than me.

I think i know what i have to do with uni, its only a theory, but its worth a shot, ill see about executing my plan on Wednesday.

Peterpan and Treasure planet both have great concepts that i've always wanted to experience, i find myself more Jim than Peter, cause Peter's got his little posse and such, i'm just here waiting for something in life to take my breath away, i just need something to make me feel again.

I also just want to find where i belong in uni, i all really sick of telling people my, name, what course im doing, that im a first year and that i do not know what i'm going to do after uni.
Part of me wants to go into full time employment, like not crappy coles but like a real job just cause of the idea you know what your doing with your life, though i think thats just because of the ep of CSI i watched today, like i don't want CSI but even i didn't want Alex to leave her job.

Though i seem to have a soft spot for coroners.

Gonna go change my myspace song.
ttyl.

Oh btw, the Go-duster really works, i got bored today
=\

Gettin' back into it.

I haven't blogged in a while so tonight after training i promise to spam blogs.

Uni is a different experience not what i expected, to an extend i don't like all the freedom because i do need to occasionally be prodded to do my work.
I haven't met all my lectures yet, here all nice except theres one guy with a monotone voice.

I call him Woodrow Wilson even though his name is Cliff Crawford, Woodrow sounds older.

Ethic's is like wow; the overwhelmingness reminded me about my first debate with Karli. Though i must say i love my ethics class, it kind of reminds me of my MHS class, we all laughed about political correctness to the extreme. The one question that frustrates me is 'What do i want to do after my degree". Theres this one chick i forget her name, she had the best answer.

"I want to have babies" now thats honesty.

I also can't stand absolute silence. I had to read window's which is basically a gay porno in book form that describes Julians secret sex life and this ethical dilemma's. I tried to read in the library.
HAHA no.

I went to Z block, where the put the world news on a wall via projector. I sat on the floor cause chairs are for noobs. I went on msn on my phone, and people started walking and talking out of the many surrounding lecture theaters and i felt at peace and i read.

I learnt a new world, i mean like i've learnt many like deontology and Utilitarianism. Though this one i know what it means, 'alcove'.

example; "He ripped of his belt buckle and took Daniel to the shady alcove"

I laughed when i read that even though i didn't know what it meant at the time.
I've come to realise im still a kid, i don't just look physically younger than some of the people at uni i'm just not ready for it, i havent come to terms with how im gonna take notes and study and what not, i mean during my lecture on how to commence research and what not i spent most of my time flirting with this red head a couple of seats down.

Michael;
I hate you, we all do. He is the Rebeka Adair of QUT. Spend all his time rephrasing what the lecturer said, and then commences arguments, Though my JSB175 class broke the ice by paying him out (y). Hes the person who raises his hand and the WHOLE threat er sigh's dejectivly.

I also hate you mrs stupid spanish chick; learn to listen so we dont have to hear everything twice. You know your a fool when the lecturer says ill answer your questions after.

Off to training.