Here i stand.

Life Hmmmmm ? What to do ?

Today kinda destroyed me a little. Father finally got the courage to tell me that hes gonna have reconstructive surgery soon. Our relationship isn't one of secrecy but we always seem to hide the worst from each other, that is definitely one thing i have inherited from him. A couple of months ago i had a conversation in which i said i was afraid of turning into my father but i don't feel that way anymore, if anything he has taught me how one should provide. We've been financially screwed recently, I'm not whining but a lot of people out there are struggling but dad has never let on, i mean he even bought me soundwave tickets. But yeah when he told me, i didn't cry or breakdown like the old Dejan would've. Instead i just felt hollow. I literally felt the oxygen in my body bounce around like i was a flute and someone was blowing in my head.

Like hell I'm scared and will probably break down soon but hey that's life. Something else that's been worrying me is that I've always wanted to pay back my parents for giving me nearly the world and i hate myself and feel completely responsible because my dad is out there doing manual labour so i can stay home and play video games. It's just not right. I am worried that m will to provide for my family will probably lead me into a corporate high paying job so i can help the people i love but lately i feel like that's not where i should be because i know its not gonna be like Boston Legal or Law and Order: SVU which i love so dearly. Lately I've wanted to be a criminal profiler or a federal agent, maybe one day I'll go to America and become the director of the FBI or the CIA and find out all those conspiracies and hope they shed some light on this world, but its all a pipe dream at this stage.

Here i stand, all alone, tonight.

-Madina Lake

I come back to this song a fair but, i am so ecstatic to go see Madina Lake play live next Saturday, I'll be like Karli taking dance lessons with the Dali Lama.

Today would've been easier cause i expected a friend to come over, he didn't so i just generally kept to myself today. The funny thing is i knew he wouldn't, and i expected it, though i guess its kinda easier knowing which people are gonna let you down. There is also someone else that's let me down we would text each other for a couple of hours a day, now she doesn't text me at all, makes me wonder if pursuing that relationship ruined the friendship. Urgh women....

He-man woman haters club - The greatest concept on the world, to bad we all want to get laid.

Invigorate My Soul

I find my self at ease. I feel happy. I don't care about much at this point in time. I am overly tired from training, it was a bad idea going. I didn't feel great, probably like 60% and i hadn't had a proper meal all day, i blame Karli for not buying me breakfast. I kid. Though it is a nice feeling just lieing on this bed not having a momentary care in the world. I find myself giggling, smiling and singing along to such songs Bye Bye Miss American Pie, Jessie's Girl, Macho Macho Man, Scotty doesn't know and Stacy's Mom.

This is not my taste in music but these particular songs make me laugh, we all know the chorus and given we would all sing along. Today was fun non the less, aside from the slapping but that's women for you. I find myself wanting different things that what i would've wanted a couple years ago. Right now i am craving serenity, i want to watch the sun rise and set. I don't know if i want to do it with people (don't take it personally, I've envisioned the scenario both ways) i want to be as carefree as the guy in the photo. Something else that I've been wanting to is sit under a waterfall...

Insomnia.

Can't sleep, not surprising. I caught the last 40 or so minutes of this movie called "4th Floor" on sbs. It was in Spanish i believe, it had some of those usual 'sbs movie' traits but this one got to me. It had to do with a hospital floor where kids were being treated for cancer. Followed a group known as "The Baldies" because of their chemo treatment they had lost their hair. It was sad, i know i shouldn't be watching deep and meaningful movies late at night but this one got to me. I felt sympathy to the kids, i mean they were like 13-15, two had their legs amputated and the eldest Dani refused to go through Chemo because of side effects. After wanting to kill the doctor that was trying to neutralise the boy's agressive outbursts by scaring them into thinking their gonna die soon. It was sad then it made me think.

We don't really have a choice when we pass away, i still think part of me believes the day will never come. That bastard doctor had do give say something along the lines of "the dream of immortality should pass away when a boy reaches 7" lousy fucker. It just made me think about all those little thoughts in my head that are telling me I'm throwing my life away. I mean I've been blessed and so have most of us, i mean we can walk, were not disabled in any form so we can pretty do anything and i take that for granted until it comes to late night and its all i can think about. I think this is why I've become determined with exercise and what not, because i don't want to start uni off as the fat kid, only thing i regret about high school but what can you do now.

I loved the fact that Dani managed to find someone while fighting cancer, her name was Georgia or something, an anorexic on the 6th floor. Like it doesn't have much to do with the movie and for those of you that actually know me i hate romantic movies. Though this wasn't romance to me it was finding meaning in life. The fact that he promised to undergo Chemo so she would eat. I just want to find purpose in life, like i know i don't want to go find part time work but our world revolves around money. I just want something big out of life, i have no idea what it is but when it comes down to movies like this i just want to a director, or an actor than can do something so meaningful to even just one kid out there. Heck after watching Step Up 2 i may have busted a move, or two, or three....

There's also something else i want out of life but i wont write about it cause it saddens me in a way and I've given the person it involves a link to my blogspot. Just to clarify it doesn't have anything to do with the 4 people following this blog.

I'm kinda frustrated that no one is on msn at this hour : its only 2.30am. But you know me i refuse to put anyone out of there way so don't worry I'm not gonna wake anyone up because i feel like talking. Though i did send a spontaneous i miss you text to a dear friend that i have not seen since school finished.

Tuesday will be fun, Xbox day with my nerdy friends, i know i want more out of life and i want to kind of change the person i am by being more active or doing something like dags. I would nearly do anything to put on another preformance.

I also hate the fact that i can't watch the movies i did a couple of years ago, i miss recess that animated cartoon that was/maybe still is on disney channel. But i miss the movie more it made me laugh its i just don't like where the future is heading, i miss keenan and kel, saved by the bell, pokemon, ziods, digimon, heck even my family buckling down to watch 7th heaven...Gah 5 minutes till 3am, seriously i want to sleep though i have a feeling it would just be easier if i started playing video games till morning, home alone agan yay...

One moment you feel fine, like you have the courage to stand on top of the world, then reality hits you in the face like a massivly obese fat chicks boob being swung at 200k per hour.

Youthful Intuition

You can do anything, your still young. I've been hearing that a lot lately.
I watched The Little Rascals today, boy did that bring back memories. Everyone looks forward to turning 18, id rather turn 7 again. The simplicity of being a kid.

I watched Never Back Down, haha that got me fired up suprising, i watched all the extra's and it made me feel fat, so afterwards i went straight onto the ab pro and started doing sit ups aftewards.

May i say, I AM SO FUCKING GLAD ROVE IS BACK.

That Titty Cat really is something.

Tomorrow im gonna try and get the most out of the day, exercise and what not.

I found out people actually read this.

Made my day, you know who you are you halo nerd.

Saturday.

Ok, to hell with blogspot password recoverening.
It takes like 3 emails and 5 links to get your password back.

I still have have the energy to do crap.
Though tomorrow shall be a good day with Bec and Karli.
Gonna watch the little rascals /dance.

So now to cheer myself up im going to turn to the only thing that i can say i love these days.
Mi Goreng Satay Noodles. Oh how i love thee.

Rough Night.

I've noticed a change in me, a negative change.
Today i went out to the city and it was pretty sweet hanging with Libby and Sarah.
Though tonight at training, i got hit.
Wasn't a hard hit, and it was my mistake.

But for some reason all i wanted to do was to smack my training partner. This is never been me, I'm the guy who never extends his kicks fully out of fear off hitting someone near me. It's not just in training, in probably the past two weeks when I've done something stupid or said something that was taken out of context all I've wanted to do is to hit someone or replay the situation over and over again in my head where all the people in the scenario get mad at someone else and i end up looking like the good guy.

Whats wrong with me?

I feel at a loss, i don't know what i want from life, though i know i want something big. I also seem to lack the effort to do some. Today at training i could not balance on one leg, man did that piss me off. Even now I'm getting mad because of stupid "Ctrl + random button" faults.

Uni starts in 20 something days, i have my grading in 20 something days. All I'm worried about is fucking up. Though in a sense I'm glad that this kind of stuff is on my mind. For those of you that know me personally i used to have a lot of stuff on my mind that i shouldn't but i don't have those thoughts anymore, i do occasionally but now i have the "strength?" to block them out.

Friends seems to constantly change. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm dropping friends/being dropped even though that may be a little true. But i can think of 7-10 people who have been there for me constantly though i think only 5 of those have never gotten mad at me. Myspace amuses me cause its nice to see when people drop you from the top friends and claim nothing is wrong, you may call me shallow for viewing it this way, but save your strength to mock those that take myspace friend lists so personally.

Also there is a guy, who used to be my best friend who i thought would be my best man at my wedding. Though grade 10 we had a falling out and he soon saw me as his worst enemy and we haven't talked since. Haha first time i cried in high school i think. But yeah Ive been thinking about him and i miss him, haha i miss playing halo with him and my sister, even if i did hate halo. I don't know what to do in the situation, i think he still hates me, maybe ill try talking to him?

So now i am going to turn my computer on, and play with my alter-ego. It might be lame but on there i have a lil group, like the ones we had at school were we just muck around and make fun of each other. Not to mention killing orcs makes me feel better. I'm kidding by the way but i love the way video games can distract me, and if that doesnt work ill just make gay jokes about ryan and pay him out for being british.

This is whitey signing out.

New found routine.

Life without school has changed a lot.
My schoolwork has been replaced with video games.
Conversations have been replaced with texting.
Hanging out with friends has been replaced with dvd's.
Tuckshop lunches have been replaced with nutella.
Everyone seems to have a job.
So no one has the time to hang out 5/7 days of the week.
And for those that don't have one, like myself.
Are finding it hard to leave the house due to lack-of money issues.
About 20 something days till uni starts. I wonder where life will lead from there.
I look forward to some mental stimulation, i just lie in bed toooooo damn much.