First Week of Uni

It was just as horrible as that first day of school

Though overall it was a good experience. I hate bus drivers, i really do especially the female ones. People are not afraid of you, if you figure out were using a fake ticket we'll just laugh and by a new one, its not even $3. Unlike you we do have lives, so please; figure out another way to enpower your ego and stop taking 3 minutes to check a persons ticket/concession card and let us get on with your lives, we have places to be.

Uni is huge in comparison to high school and boy did i get lost. But i have eventually figured out where some of my classes are. I am not excited about a few of my lecturers because one of them is a old man with a monotone voice and the other is a researcher and i don't learn to to well from writing down notes. Though they are both incredibly qualified so i will do my best to learn.

I think i am going to get fat someday, me and Trace have found a place of conversation so it appears were gonna be subway regular. Though i do feel more mature at uni, even some of the conversations appear more mature.

I need to be more prepared for uni, i tend to zone out, stare at the clock and think about food.

On the other hand; i've given up on a few people, I spend to much time worrying how im going to stay in touch with those friends that mean the most to me to care about those that can't be bothered to even talk to me, a few people i've always questioned what they thought about me, but no more, i don't care anymore.

Ever since orrientation day, i think i now want to work for the UN, i would have to complete my honours but i can get there doing the course i am, though i think thats more friends in m life that made me care about things i wouldn't have.

Pašteta

Karma
"When you blow someone off to hang out with a friend you haven't seen in a while, and they blow you off".

Training

'I need the distraction.'

Sunburn
'Gonna make training a pain.'

Blogspot
' Currently pissing me off.'

Melly
"I don't want you to move to the middle of no where."

Judgement Day
'06/03 - The surgery'

"If everything goes good with the left arm, they'll operate on the right."
Doesn't make me feel ANY better

First day of Uni

Tomorrow, not prepared

Spam
'Doesn't taste as good as i remember.'

Aggressive Bisexual Orgies

Or moshing as its more commonly known.

I feel like i am on top of the world. God yesterday (officially) but to me its still today was the best day of my life yet. I saw Madina Lake finally, it just proved to me that they are my favourite band, the night before i felt like a 12 year old school girl couldn't' to sleep just thinking about what would happen. I stood there in the moshpit alone cause the girls were lame. I froze up a lil when they first came out but when they started every lyric rolled right off my tongue and i was so mesmerised i didn't feel all those people jumping or kicking me.

They played House of Cards, lyrics got to me, so i announced a secret or two, though no one heard that was the intention but it made me smile. When they sang "Here i stand" that was the second best moment of the entire day.

The best of course was meeting them, though it was awkward with twinnies and people telling me to move on cause of the size of the huge line, but i met them, even had a 30 second conversation with the Leone brothers and that to me will never leave. I brought an extra soundwave shirt to have the band sign it, and that will soon be framed i think i love it more than my xbox =o

Extensive Sunburn
Punched
Elbowed in the testicles (Thanks Amanda)
Kicked
Stomped
Que'd up for an hour and a half
Slapped (Amanda)
Loss of Voice
All worth it.

My day wasn't all Madina lake though that to me was the reason for soundwave, i hung out with some friends and boy did we laugh. I saw about another 20-25 bands. Really took a liking to Forever the sickest kids and Hellogoodbye.

Next year ill have my photo taken with them, and hopefully there will be more bands with lyrics i know, but i am in no wait disappointed. I feel like i've achieved a lifes goal, why wouldn't i i met some of my hero's (H).

It's good to be happy again.
Uni on wednesday
:?

Rain Rain Go Away.

There will be no picture this time, cause there is nothing that i can think of that can describe what i am feeling. I used to get sooo frustrated with myself when i would over-emotional about certain topics but feeling emotionless is oh so much worse.

This is not a blog that i wanted to share with those that read it, but i need it. I don't know what to feel so i'm going to put it down on virtual paper, my week isn't getting better at all.

I'm starting to hate the person i becoming, i hate the thoughts i have about people, situations, people's actions and socio-economic and political matters. I want to change back, i hate hate hate change.

I started to watch the one of those medical miracle stories about the mermaid girl. After getting a little lonely up in my room i went downstairs to go see it with mum. We started talking it about it and hard life is for the little girl, i had nothing but admiration for the girl. There was the scene with the mother where she was like "maybe i should've terminated the pregnancy" and i thought to myself i could never kill any form of life, i used to be pro-abortion when we talked about it in school but i guess my opinion has changed.

I've always respected my other except for tonight. She could see i was getting concerned and uptight so she asked me why i was watching it. My reply was simple, i found the story amazing. She said one thing that i found insulting, "Why do you watch the news? Why do you concern yourself with that thing?" What thing you might ask, global warming cause i can see why its not my place to worry about it, its the reason why were in this mess, cause no one cared.

I had a great day, i hung out with a great friend and saw Gran Turino a amazing movie, one which i did not originally plan to see in the cinema's. I got 3 dvd's and training was great, i got the timing right on my jump front kicks and jump side kick. I'm still mad at certain people but yeah all in all its no better to the week im having.

I'm off to watch the transporter to get my mind of things.

Orientation into a new world

Uni was like huge. Like wow where the hell am i?

I got lost like 6 times. I even walked into Parliament house. I was smug looking at the kids i was like "pfft high school kids" and then i had to take the walk of shame.

Eventually got there, chicks were hot, but its really intimidating cause you still feel like high school kid that no one wants to talk to. Im so glad i have a lecture buddy. Uni starts next week kinda worried and freaking out but its not as bad.

One of my lectures profiles terrorists. I like wow thats pretty cool.

But all in all im having a good day. I just want to see my high school friends. Haha its gonna be time seeing them now with uni, especially if i get a job.

Urgh i need to apply on Seek, but i dont have the motivation.

Oh i sat in on training, I had to teach the new kid SOOOOO nervous. Kept on freaking out that i was teaching him the wrong move but i feel good.

Oh apprently my course has "sexy content material" or so said the powerpoint...

16/02/09

Today was pretty awesome, i started the day in a relatively bad mood. Though 3 people managed to cheer me up. The Anger Sisters and Gabi.

Libby did what she always does and the reason why i love her so dearly, smart arse remarks, we made fun of creepy Turkish men and discussed more possible ways to destroy her parents mental states. God i don't know what i would do without you Fatty(L).

Rachael and just added me today on msn while we have been talking on myspace, though after a few laughs he made my myspace look pretty awesome which made me feel pretty awesome. Shallow i now :\

Gabi damn i missed hanging out with you on cyber space. Thanks for listening and making me laugh.

My cousin Vanja awsome had a baby and named him david and sent me a montage, almost made me want to cry but in a good way. When i saw that kid smile i had the biggest grin on my face and when he cried i aww'd. It makes me want to go back, just to see him and the rest of the family, i wish they could all live in Melbourne or something so i can drive down and see them not have to fly around the world.

Tomorrow is scary.

I wish i could go to the doctors with dad but i have my orientation day at QUT so my sister is going with him, i don't think she even knows what its for. 6 hours of meeting people damn thats scary, i hope Amy is gonna be there. I also need to check translink before i log.

I hate being the last one asleep oh well.

I love writing on here, it just helps me relax, know that two of the most important people read this or so they claim. And knowing of them of them even comments in most occasions an attempt to make me feel better just makes my day (y).

Lost.

Today wasn't much better. Mum got home and we headed off to Redcliffe for a family reunion with a bunch of people who weren't family. Most of it was fun, until the car ride home. Dad had a few drinks but was pretty jolly till the car. I was doing some uni stuff then i got told we had to go now because dad was in pain, it was his arms. Even though he was intoxicated you could see the pain on the mans face and fuck did it have me worried. He looked like he was in the brink of crying, i have only seen my father cry once.

The whole time he's telling mum to hurry up and go faster and faster and he would awkwardly lean to check if she was going the maximum speed limit while he sat there clenching himself.

You Found Me - The Fray

Start to play.

Emotional song got to me.

I start to feel like I'm the only one in the car, and i look at my father and i begin to worry and i feel tears filling my eye sockets. I started to think about his surgery and what would happen after and every negative scenario went through my head till i couldn't think of a more horrible result. I lay there on the couch when we get home, just watching him, i don't know what to say or how to say it. The people that I've told have told me it'll be fine, but that scares me cause its like a thing you must say if you care about someone even if you believe things wont be fine.

I hate that i tend to lose faith in the worst of times and that it worries me more.

Last nigh if feel asleep between 4 and 4-3o am. I went to bed midnightish. It used to be two and now its four. Why i do feel i am drained of all emotion thoughts will not stop running rampart in my mind and it is driving me insane. It's like that scene in X-men where Jean can hear everyones thought and they just get louder and louder till one great big BANG!

Uni orientation week on Tuesday, 7 hours. I don't feel like I'm ready to start introducing myself, cause I know I'll do what i always do and put on another facade.

Here i stand.

Life Hmmmmm ? What to do ?

Today kinda destroyed me a little. Father finally got the courage to tell me that hes gonna have reconstructive surgery soon. Our relationship isn't one of secrecy but we always seem to hide the worst from each other, that is definitely one thing i have inherited from him. A couple of months ago i had a conversation in which i said i was afraid of turning into my father but i don't feel that way anymore, if anything he has taught me how one should provide. We've been financially screwed recently, I'm not whining but a lot of people out there are struggling but dad has never let on, i mean he even bought me soundwave tickets. But yeah when he told me, i didn't cry or breakdown like the old Dejan would've. Instead i just felt hollow. I literally felt the oxygen in my body bounce around like i was a flute and someone was blowing in my head.

Like hell I'm scared and will probably break down soon but hey that's life. Something else that's been worrying me is that I've always wanted to pay back my parents for giving me nearly the world and i hate myself and feel completely responsible because my dad is out there doing manual labour so i can stay home and play video games. It's just not right. I am worried that m will to provide for my family will probably lead me into a corporate high paying job so i can help the people i love but lately i feel like that's not where i should be because i know its not gonna be like Boston Legal or Law and Order: SVU which i love so dearly. Lately I've wanted to be a criminal profiler or a federal agent, maybe one day I'll go to America and become the director of the FBI or the CIA and find out all those conspiracies and hope they shed some light on this world, but its all a pipe dream at this stage.

Here i stand, all alone, tonight.

-Madina Lake

I come back to this song a fair but, i am so ecstatic to go see Madina Lake play live next Saturday, I'll be like Karli taking dance lessons with the Dali Lama.

Today would've been easier cause i expected a friend to come over, he didn't so i just generally kept to myself today. The funny thing is i knew he wouldn't, and i expected it, though i guess its kinda easier knowing which people are gonna let you down. There is also someone else that's let me down we would text each other for a couple of hours a day, now she doesn't text me at all, makes me wonder if pursuing that relationship ruined the friendship. Urgh women....

He-man woman haters club - The greatest concept on the world, to bad we all want to get laid.

Invigorate My Soul

I find my self at ease. I feel happy. I don't care about much at this point in time. I am overly tired from training, it was a bad idea going. I didn't feel great, probably like 60% and i hadn't had a proper meal all day, i blame Karli for not buying me breakfast. I kid. Though it is a nice feeling just lieing on this bed not having a momentary care in the world. I find myself giggling, smiling and singing along to such songs Bye Bye Miss American Pie, Jessie's Girl, Macho Macho Man, Scotty doesn't know and Stacy's Mom.

This is not my taste in music but these particular songs make me laugh, we all know the chorus and given we would all sing along. Today was fun non the less, aside from the slapping but that's women for you. I find myself wanting different things that what i would've wanted a couple years ago. Right now i am craving serenity, i want to watch the sun rise and set. I don't know if i want to do it with people (don't take it personally, I've envisioned the scenario both ways) i want to be as carefree as the guy in the photo. Something else that I've been wanting to is sit under a waterfall...

Insomnia.

Can't sleep, not surprising. I caught the last 40 or so minutes of this movie called "4th Floor" on sbs. It was in Spanish i believe, it had some of those usual 'sbs movie' traits but this one got to me. It had to do with a hospital floor where kids were being treated for cancer. Followed a group known as "The Baldies" because of their chemo treatment they had lost their hair. It was sad, i know i shouldn't be watching deep and meaningful movies late at night but this one got to me. I felt sympathy to the kids, i mean they were like 13-15, two had their legs amputated and the eldest Dani refused to go through Chemo because of side effects. After wanting to kill the doctor that was trying to neutralise the boy's agressive outbursts by scaring them into thinking their gonna die soon. It was sad then it made me think.

We don't really have a choice when we pass away, i still think part of me believes the day will never come. That bastard doctor had do give say something along the lines of "the dream of immortality should pass away when a boy reaches 7" lousy fucker. It just made me think about all those little thoughts in my head that are telling me I'm throwing my life away. I mean I've been blessed and so have most of us, i mean we can walk, were not disabled in any form so we can pretty do anything and i take that for granted until it comes to late night and its all i can think about. I think this is why I've become determined with exercise and what not, because i don't want to start uni off as the fat kid, only thing i regret about high school but what can you do now.

I loved the fact that Dani managed to find someone while fighting cancer, her name was Georgia or something, an anorexic on the 6th floor. Like it doesn't have much to do with the movie and for those of you that actually know me i hate romantic movies. Though this wasn't romance to me it was finding meaning in life. The fact that he promised to undergo Chemo so she would eat. I just want to find purpose in life, like i know i don't want to go find part time work but our world revolves around money. I just want something big out of life, i have no idea what it is but when it comes down to movies like this i just want to a director, or an actor than can do something so meaningful to even just one kid out there. Heck after watching Step Up 2 i may have busted a move, or two, or three....

There's also something else i want out of life but i wont write about it cause it saddens me in a way and I've given the person it involves a link to my blogspot. Just to clarify it doesn't have anything to do with the 4 people following this blog.

I'm kinda frustrated that no one is on msn at this hour : its only 2.30am. But you know me i refuse to put anyone out of there way so don't worry I'm not gonna wake anyone up because i feel like talking. Though i did send a spontaneous i miss you text to a dear friend that i have not seen since school finished.

Tuesday will be fun, Xbox day with my nerdy friends, i know i want more out of life and i want to kind of change the person i am by being more active or doing something like dags. I would nearly do anything to put on another preformance.

I also hate the fact that i can't watch the movies i did a couple of years ago, i miss recess that animated cartoon that was/maybe still is on disney channel. But i miss the movie more it made me laugh its i just don't like where the future is heading, i miss keenan and kel, saved by the bell, pokemon, ziods, digimon, heck even my family buckling down to watch 7th heaven...Gah 5 minutes till 3am, seriously i want to sleep though i have a feeling it would just be easier if i started playing video games till morning, home alone agan yay...

One moment you feel fine, like you have the courage to stand on top of the world, then reality hits you in the face like a massivly obese fat chicks boob being swung at 200k per hour.

Youthful Intuition

You can do anything, your still young. I've been hearing that a lot lately.
I watched The Little Rascals today, boy did that bring back memories. Everyone looks forward to turning 18, id rather turn 7 again. The simplicity of being a kid.

I watched Never Back Down, haha that got me fired up suprising, i watched all the extra's and it made me feel fat, so afterwards i went straight onto the ab pro and started doing sit ups aftewards.

May i say, I AM SO FUCKING GLAD ROVE IS BACK.

That Titty Cat really is something.

Tomorrow im gonna try and get the most out of the day, exercise and what not.

I found out people actually read this.

Made my day, you know who you are you halo nerd.

Saturday.

Ok, to hell with blogspot password recoverening.
It takes like 3 emails and 5 links to get your password back.

I still have have the energy to do crap.
Though tomorrow shall be a good day with Bec and Karli.
Gonna watch the little rascals /dance.

So now to cheer myself up im going to turn to the only thing that i can say i love these days.
Mi Goreng Satay Noodles. Oh how i love thee.

Rough Night.

I've noticed a change in me, a negative change.
Today i went out to the city and it was pretty sweet hanging with Libby and Sarah.
Though tonight at training, i got hit.
Wasn't a hard hit, and it was my mistake.

But for some reason all i wanted to do was to smack my training partner. This is never been me, I'm the guy who never extends his kicks fully out of fear off hitting someone near me. It's not just in training, in probably the past two weeks when I've done something stupid or said something that was taken out of context all I've wanted to do is to hit someone or replay the situation over and over again in my head where all the people in the scenario get mad at someone else and i end up looking like the good guy.

Whats wrong with me?

I feel at a loss, i don't know what i want from life, though i know i want something big. I also seem to lack the effort to do some. Today at training i could not balance on one leg, man did that piss me off. Even now I'm getting mad because of stupid "Ctrl + random button" faults.

Uni starts in 20 something days, i have my grading in 20 something days. All I'm worried about is fucking up. Though in a sense I'm glad that this kind of stuff is on my mind. For those of you that know me personally i used to have a lot of stuff on my mind that i shouldn't but i don't have those thoughts anymore, i do occasionally but now i have the "strength?" to block them out.

Friends seems to constantly change. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm dropping friends/being dropped even though that may be a little true. But i can think of 7-10 people who have been there for me constantly though i think only 5 of those have never gotten mad at me. Myspace amuses me cause its nice to see when people drop you from the top friends and claim nothing is wrong, you may call me shallow for viewing it this way, but save your strength to mock those that take myspace friend lists so personally.

Also there is a guy, who used to be my best friend who i thought would be my best man at my wedding. Though grade 10 we had a falling out and he soon saw me as his worst enemy and we haven't talked since. Haha first time i cried in high school i think. But yeah Ive been thinking about him and i miss him, haha i miss playing halo with him and my sister, even if i did hate halo. I don't know what to do in the situation, i think he still hates me, maybe ill try talking to him?

So now i am going to turn my computer on, and play with my alter-ego. It might be lame but on there i have a lil group, like the ones we had at school were we just muck around and make fun of each other. Not to mention killing orcs makes me feel better. I'm kidding by the way but i love the way video games can distract me, and if that doesnt work ill just make gay jokes about ryan and pay him out for being british.

This is whitey signing out.

New found routine.

Life without school has changed a lot.
My schoolwork has been replaced with video games.
Conversations have been replaced with texting.
Hanging out with friends has been replaced with dvd's.
Tuckshop lunches have been replaced with nutella.
Everyone seems to have a job.
So no one has the time to hang out 5/7 days of the week.
And for those that don't have one, like myself.
Are finding it hard to leave the house due to lack-of money issues.
About 20 something days till uni starts. I wonder where life will lead from there.
I look forward to some mental stimulation, i just lie in bed toooooo damn much.