Lost.

Today wasn't much better. Mum got home and we headed off to Redcliffe for a family reunion with a bunch of people who weren't family. Most of it was fun, until the car ride home. Dad had a few drinks but was pretty jolly till the car. I was doing some uni stuff then i got told we had to go now because dad was in pain, it was his arms. Even though he was intoxicated you could see the pain on the mans face and fuck did it have me worried. He looked like he was in the brink of crying, i have only seen my father cry once.

The whole time he's telling mum to hurry up and go faster and faster and he would awkwardly lean to check if she was going the maximum speed limit while he sat there clenching himself.

You Found Me - The Fray

Start to play.

Emotional song got to me.

I start to feel like I'm the only one in the car, and i look at my father and i begin to worry and i feel tears filling my eye sockets. I started to think about his surgery and what would happen after and every negative scenario went through my head till i couldn't think of a more horrible result. I lay there on the couch when we get home, just watching him, i don't know what to say or how to say it. The people that I've told have told me it'll be fine, but that scares me cause its like a thing you must say if you care about someone even if you believe things wont be fine.

I hate that i tend to lose faith in the worst of times and that it worries me more.

Last nigh if feel asleep between 4 and 4-3o am. I went to bed midnightish. It used to be two and now its four. Why i do feel i am drained of all emotion thoughts will not stop running rampart in my mind and it is driving me insane. It's like that scene in X-men where Jean can hear everyones thought and they just get louder and louder till one great big BANG!

Uni orientation week on Tuesday, 7 hours. I don't feel like I'm ready to start introducing myself, cause I know I'll do what i always do and put on another facade.