Things are going pretty amazing for the most part. I am on holidays and i couldn't be happier. The goal of the holidays is to maintain a mindset of simplicity and joy. The privilege to do nothing is beyond the description of mere words. I am officially enrolled in only three subjects in hopes that my aspirations for the future will come to fruition. (haha, garnier fruition)
I've just basically been seeing friends/organising to see friends. Driving has taken off though I've had to cancel a few lessons because my roster is changing but i don't really mind. Today has been a lazy day. I slept in, i downloaded a lot of music, which i have fallen in love with my new download limit. I'm editing my iTunes files. That might seen like a chore but it's something I've been meaning to do but have never found the time. I will soon have a ipod without any spelling mistakes or shitty rap music; this excites me.
There are some issues i want to address but really I'm far to lazy right now :)
I shall do them tonight.
"This is my story"
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Solace
A quiet bus ride home. Only to be informed by my sister that the baby i spoke of in last blog had died. Word travels fast on facebook, it appears to be the new media source. The kids lung apparently collapsed, which resulted it suffocating while being breast-fed. My initial reaction one of 'La-la-la baby doesn't exist la-la-la i didn't even go to work today la-la-la still asleep'. As you can see i logically processed the event's and came up with the most mature reaction.
When i got to Christens i was 'distracted' and accidentally snobbed Glen. I felt bad so i stated i had a bad day, their response was so have we, so i told them what i happened. No one knew what to say, we were all just speechless about the topic and all happy with changing the subject. We didn't end up seeing the movie, which i was quite happy with. I instead ate my feelings that night in the form of a whole pizza, two brownies and some ice-cream. Om nom nom emotions.
Though i really don't want to talk about that anymore. I have seen my first dead body, it's not something to be proud of, but something i should be able to deal with especially if i intend on working within the Criminal Justice system. I guess i can get some solace out of the fact the baby looked peaceful.
In other news, i finally sorted things out with university. In about 2 minutes i will be withdrawing from a subject and only doing 3 subjects a semester. I also have driving lessons lined up for the next two weeks starting tomorrow. My saving has gone to waste, Dad had seen what i was doing and told me to keep the money, he intends on paying for my lessons. He said he wants me to take 20 initial lessons, i mean that's $900+; i really don't intend on taking 20 though. So now I'm going to call a friend, and nap excessively.
When i got to Christens i was 'distracted' and accidentally snobbed Glen. I felt bad so i stated i had a bad day, their response was so have we, so i told them what i happened. No one knew what to say, we were all just speechless about the topic and all happy with changing the subject. We didn't end up seeing the movie, which i was quite happy with. I instead ate my feelings that night in the form of a whole pizza, two brownies and some ice-cream. Om nom nom emotions.
Though i really don't want to talk about that anymore. I have seen my first dead body, it's not something to be proud of, but something i should be able to deal with especially if i intend on working within the Criminal Justice system. I guess i can get some solace out of the fact the baby looked peaceful.
In other news, i finally sorted things out with university. In about 2 minutes i will be withdrawing from a subject and only doing 3 subjects a semester. I also have driving lessons lined up for the next two weeks starting tomorrow. My saving has gone to waste, Dad had seen what i was doing and told me to keep the money, he intends on paying for my lessons. He said he wants me to take 20 initial lessons, i mean that's $900+; i really don't intend on taking 20 though. So now I'm going to call a friend, and nap excessively.
Numb
So I'm pretty sure i saw my first dead body today. I don't know what to think, actually I'm trying not to think about it. It was when i finished work today, i was heading to the bus stop, in the food court i saw security, a lady hunched over with blood on her face and a group forming around them. My immediate thought was bogan high school kids punch lady. As i went past i noticed the blood on the Lady's face was not hers, she was hunched over trying to resuscitate her baby.
The gravity of the situation hit me. You know those scenes in movies where someone is walking away a massive explosion in slow motion. We'll that's why i felt like, everyone appeared to be moving at a really slow pace, the lady screaming on the phone to her ambulance looked, well i don't know how to describe it. People were crying, people were shocked, people were panicking, i felt numb. I didn't know what to do, there was security, someone calling an ambulance, a crowd forming. For those of you that know me well know that i in no way am able to logically process death, especially not a dying baby, so i got out of there. I turned my ipod up, skipped every sad song along with every song that contained the words death or baby or synonyms or plurals.
The world seemed to slow down when i heard the sirens and saw the ambulance. I feel heartless. Logically i have no emotional connect with this woman, her baby, i didn't know what the incident was about, the notion that i should be overrun with feelings of sadness is illogical, though is the notion of not having any feelings on the subject, like come on Dejan; it was a dying baby.
I leave this blog with the notion that i have the fortune to believe that the ambulance arrived there in time, the baby was resuscitated, he or she is fine and one day their going to graduate from university. Now i have to prepare to go see a movie with friends and yeah, at least that will take my mind of things.
The gravity of the situation hit me. You know those scenes in movies where someone is walking away a massive explosion in slow motion. We'll that's why i felt like, everyone appeared to be moving at a really slow pace, the lady screaming on the phone to her ambulance looked, well i don't know how to describe it. People were crying, people were shocked, people were panicking, i felt numb. I didn't know what to do, there was security, someone calling an ambulance, a crowd forming. For those of you that know me well know that i in no way am able to logically process death, especially not a dying baby, so i got out of there. I turned my ipod up, skipped every sad song along with every song that contained the words death or baby or synonyms or plurals.
The world seemed to slow down when i heard the sirens and saw the ambulance. I feel heartless. Logically i have no emotional connect with this woman, her baby, i didn't know what the incident was about, the notion that i should be overrun with feelings of sadness is illogical, though is the notion of not having any feelings on the subject, like come on Dejan; it was a dying baby.
I leave this blog with the notion that i have the fortune to believe that the ambulance arrived there in time, the baby was resuscitated, he or she is fine and one day their going to graduate from university. Now i have to prepare to go see a movie with friends and yeah, at least that will take my mind of things.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Breakeven
I'm so fucked. I'm tired and confused and everything is piling on. I hate a lot on my plate at the moment and I'm working on resolving it. I'm talking to a friend as a write this, he's had some experience in the field so I'm trying to get some sound advice because i don't know how I'm going to handle the situation. I've also come to realise that I'll probably be single for a while longer, any notion of a loving relationship has been quelled, I'll blame it on my general hatred of humanity and inability to trust others; though enough about me I'm far to concerned about my friends.
A lot has happened over the past couple of days. So much drama it is really hard to process and comprehend it all. I'll start off which with the later issue because i know the two people involved read this, one with my permission and the other one is a stalker. I couldn't believe the events of this party; actually well i could because i know the people involved but i was just dumbfounded. There exists a guy, who is the pinnacle of douche bag. To discard you friend over an argument, where are you clearly wrong and then acting a childish manner which i can't even fathom, is beyond me. I do not care of this guy, he has no positive qualities as a human being, he is nothing more than an embarrassment as a friend. I can't fathom why people tolerated his shit as long as they did but still. I'm upset for my dear friend. I know this situation has upset her, regardless i might think it's what she'll need in the long run but that's not for me to decide. I rest easy knowing the fact that she will be going on a holiday of a life-time and he'll undoubtedly impregnate some unfortunate Logan high school student; but the fact i can't do anything about this situation bothers me.
The other incident extends of a set period of time. A group of us were supposed to go bowling Friday. A friend of mine wouldn't go because he felt that he was only invited because he lives with other people that were invited. Upon hearing this i came to the realisation that if he didn't go, i wouldn't go. My rule with friends is simple, there are about 7 or so people i would do anything for, he is one of them. I am quite happy throwing away my happiness so he wouldn't feel shitty. I knew he wanted to go, but he didn't want to go because the situation would be awkward. So i spent the day trying to convince him to come. We went to maccas. We argued he was paying for it. I knocked his card out of his hand in an attempt to gain an advantage, though this friend is as stubborn as i am. So i negotiated with him, i made the situation appear as a favour and stated i would allow him to pay if he came bowling with us, he agreed. I was happy with it. I still deducted the amount of the meal from the money he owes me. Something the best thing you can do for someone is to blatantly trick them. Though the night arrived and i was pretty excited. I got to see friends though, i dunno. One by one they left for the city.
The let's go as a group plan fell through. I was urgh about it. Though the four of us went on. We went to meet the others, the location changed twice but oh well. We ended up at Fat Louis for a while. The situation was awkward to begin with. When we arrived the majority of the people in our group were already intoxicated. The worst thing is when a person is drunk and is unable to process the fact that they may feel awkward around someone but need to acknowledge that they shouldn't bring attention to that, especially if the other person is doing the same. I stuck by my friend and i incorporated him into being social by taking photos. When a camera comes out with the intention of Facebook photos everyone generally becomes a little friendlier. After we left we we're supposed to go bowling, but the other's wanted to resume drinking and dancing. So we broke up into two groups. We were upset but at the same time, we had expected this situation. Regardless the four of us walked around the city for a bit, bought Pokemon cards, went bowling and had dinner together and went home. Sara crashed early. I watched the Serbia v Germany game with Glen while multi-tasking a Pokemon Card battle with Christen. It was a good night.
Sunday i had invited Karli to come over. Normally I'm worried when friends from two different social circles meet each other but this situation i wasn't. Granted they had met each other but it was no 'proper introduction'. It was my 19th post dinner party. Though i know Sara is fine with generally anyone. Glen and Karli always initiate conversations to prevent awkward silences and Christen and Karli had their love of Pokemon. The day was lax, it's what i wanted it to be. We had lunch, we played Pokemon for a while, just talked and watched the original Power Rangers movie. The most satisfying feeling is when someone you care about enjoys the company of someone else you really care about. This made my weekend.
Though as of late my new found free time has stumbled me. I have all these people that want to hang out with me and I'm trying to process how to fit them all in. I'm still in my university-state of mind. I will get around it, i have far to many friends i haven't spent enough time with so i shall see them as much as i can. I have 5 driving lessons booked over the next week and a half. This excites me because I'm starting on my road to the P's and everything but then again it makes me nervous because i don't really enjoy driving but oh well. You win some and you lose some.
As the title of this blog entails, there is a song that is on my mind. It is not a particularly happy song but makes me smile, not a happy smile but a; this is the current situation and you get through it smile
Breakeven - The Script.
A lot has happened over the past couple of days. So much drama it is really hard to process and comprehend it all. I'll start off which with the later issue because i know the two people involved read this, one with my permission and the other one is a stalker. I couldn't believe the events of this party; actually well i could because i know the people involved but i was just dumbfounded. There exists a guy, who is the pinnacle of douche bag. To discard you friend over an argument, where are you clearly wrong and then acting a childish manner which i can't even fathom, is beyond me. I do not care of this guy, he has no positive qualities as a human being, he is nothing more than an embarrassment as a friend. I can't fathom why people tolerated his shit as long as they did but still. I'm upset for my dear friend. I know this situation has upset her, regardless i might think it's what she'll need in the long run but that's not for me to decide. I rest easy knowing the fact that she will be going on a holiday of a life-time and he'll undoubtedly impregnate some unfortunate Logan high school student; but the fact i can't do anything about this situation bothers me.
The other incident extends of a set period of time. A group of us were supposed to go bowling Friday. A friend of mine wouldn't go because he felt that he was only invited because he lives with other people that were invited. Upon hearing this i came to the realisation that if he didn't go, i wouldn't go. My rule with friends is simple, there are about 7 or so people i would do anything for, he is one of them. I am quite happy throwing away my happiness so he wouldn't feel shitty. I knew he wanted to go, but he didn't want to go because the situation would be awkward. So i spent the day trying to convince him to come. We went to maccas. We argued he was paying for it. I knocked his card out of his hand in an attempt to gain an advantage, though this friend is as stubborn as i am. So i negotiated with him, i made the situation appear as a favour and stated i would allow him to pay if he came bowling with us, he agreed. I was happy with it. I still deducted the amount of the meal from the money he owes me. Something the best thing you can do for someone is to blatantly trick them. Though the night arrived and i was pretty excited. I got to see friends though, i dunno. One by one they left for the city.
The let's go as a group plan fell through. I was urgh about it. Though the four of us went on. We went to meet the others, the location changed twice but oh well. We ended up at Fat Louis for a while. The situation was awkward to begin with. When we arrived the majority of the people in our group were already intoxicated. The worst thing is when a person is drunk and is unable to process the fact that they may feel awkward around someone but need to acknowledge that they shouldn't bring attention to that, especially if the other person is doing the same. I stuck by my friend and i incorporated him into being social by taking photos. When a camera comes out with the intention of Facebook photos everyone generally becomes a little friendlier. After we left we we're supposed to go bowling, but the other's wanted to resume drinking and dancing. So we broke up into two groups. We were upset but at the same time, we had expected this situation. Regardless the four of us walked around the city for a bit, bought Pokemon cards, went bowling and had dinner together and went home. Sara crashed early. I watched the Serbia v Germany game with Glen while multi-tasking a Pokemon Card battle with Christen. It was a good night.
Sunday i had invited Karli to come over. Normally I'm worried when friends from two different social circles meet each other but this situation i wasn't. Granted they had met each other but it was no 'proper introduction'. It was my 19th post dinner party. Though i know Sara is fine with generally anyone. Glen and Karli always initiate conversations to prevent awkward silences and Christen and Karli had their love of Pokemon. The day was lax, it's what i wanted it to be. We had lunch, we played Pokemon for a while, just talked and watched the original Power Rangers movie. The most satisfying feeling is when someone you care about enjoys the company of someone else you really care about. This made my weekend.
Though as of late my new found free time has stumbled me. I have all these people that want to hang out with me and I'm trying to process how to fit them all in. I'm still in my university-state of mind. I will get around it, i have far to many friends i haven't spent enough time with so i shall see them as much as i can. I have 5 driving lessons booked over the next week and a half. This excites me because I'm starting on my road to the P's and everything but then again it makes me nervous because i don't really enjoy driving but oh well. You win some and you lose some.
As the title of this blog entails, there is a song that is on my mind. It is not a particularly happy song but makes me smile, not a happy smile but a; this is the current situation and you get through it smile
Breakeven - The Script.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Silver Lining
Life is good. I won't blog long because i have an exam tomorrow and i still have notes to summarise. As some of the facebook stalkers know I'm contemplating changing my life drastically. I'm thinking of university part time. I'm still gathering opinions and information from various sources but i don't think anything will be complete. The feed back I've received has been helpful.
Mum and Dad: Worried i will drop out of university entirely refuse to support my decision but acknowledge that i am 19 and able to hand the pressure.
Sister: Doesn't think I'll be able to do the juggling.
Karli: Excited about my prospects for the future but not pushing me into anything.
Amanda: Remaining neutral, examining both sides and insuring i make a sound decision.
Lauren: Told me i should go for it because she sees that i am currently not enjoying the way i handle university and thinks I'm in need of a drastic change.
I still need to get a couple of other peoples opinions. It's a massive decision with commitment attached so I'm trying not to make any hasty uninformed decisions. This exams are killing me. The pressure attached to a 60% makes you fluster and then makes you want to not prepare for it because the weight of it just consumes you. I've done everything to procrastinate, from excessively brushing my teeth, to seeing friends, to getting laid to cleaning my room. There was few things i didn't do.
Happier note, i made a new friend. Goes to my university, could see him getting along with most of my friends, hes arrogant so we get along great. Things are looking up. Two days I'll be free from education stress and I'll be able to sleep in and see friends. I have like a serious blog i need to deconstruct, and then break up into three others but that's a task for another time. Right now I'm going through text books and highlight.
Mum and Dad: Worried i will drop out of university entirely refuse to support my decision but acknowledge that i am 19 and able to hand the pressure.
Sister: Doesn't think I'll be able to do the juggling.
Karli: Excited about my prospects for the future but not pushing me into anything.
Amanda: Remaining neutral, examining both sides and insuring i make a sound decision.
Lauren: Told me i should go for it because she sees that i am currently not enjoying the way i handle university and thinks I'm in need of a drastic change.
I still need to get a couple of other peoples opinions. It's a massive decision with commitment attached so I'm trying not to make any hasty uninformed decisions. This exams are killing me. The pressure attached to a 60% makes you fluster and then makes you want to not prepare for it because the weight of it just consumes you. I've done everything to procrastinate, from excessively brushing my teeth, to seeing friends, to getting laid to cleaning my room. There was few things i didn't do.
Happier note, i made a new friend. Goes to my university, could see him getting along with most of my friends, hes arrogant so we get along great. Things are looking up. Two days I'll be free from education stress and I'll be able to sleep in and see friends. I have like a serious blog i need to deconstruct, and then break up into three others but that's a task for another time. Right now I'm going through text books and highlight.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Various Escapades
Life is a process, the way you handle it all depends on the person. So I'm in pain. My backs gone out of wack for some reason, generally anytime i change my posture, make a sudden movement or turn it all craps and locks into place. Apparently the way you back handles pain is to lock all your muscles into place to restrict movement, thanks body. Though I've come to realise this pain could be a lot worse, it's only limiting what i can do, not really detrimental in comparison to other illnesses. The notion that no matter how bad i have it, someone out there has it worse kind of makes me feel better in some regard; then makes me feel like a horrible human being.
I had my first exam for this semester. Contract Law; not my strong point. I literally learnt a semesters worth in three nights. I won't lie i never really prepared for the tutorials, it was mixture of i do not in no way shape or form understand this nor can i be bothered reading extra cases to understand. Though somehow i have managed to grasp the relevant concepts required for contractual theory. Though the exam didn't go as planned, i ran out of time basically. We were required to do two questions in a two hour period. I spent a hour and forty minutes on question one part a and then rushed the rest. My goal was to accumulate the required 23.5 or something marks out of a exam worth 55. The questions i answered were worth 34 so I'm hopeful but then again knowing my luck I'm preparing myself to fail by like two marks. Oh well that's what supplementary assessment is there for. I'm not going to worry about it, Pete said my back could be stressed induced so i really don't want to think about it.
I have another exam Wednesday morning. So I'll be spending all of tomorrow preparing for it. Aside from NCIS because it's a season finale and i really want to know what the hell is going on with Gibbs. The exam is tort's law (trespass). It's my second time doing this subject and in comparison to the last go I've passed every other piece of assessment for the subject. So my chances of passing are fairly decent (just touched wood) but i should aim for something a little higher so i can boost my GPA. Then i have a weeks worth of prep to do for two other subjects, one I'm ugh about and the other one I'm kinda gjwekljglskjgklwejglwsjlgtwejslgwejljgwelj about. Though prepare for torts still takes priority especially if i have to go to the doctor and waste time there while my back continues to annoy me. It's another 8.30 start which means another 6am awake up call.
The next topic i want to address is friends but i don't know the order to address it so I'll just go in what ever it happened in.
The party
Friday i had a party, i spent ages getting ready; more than a man should. Mum thought it was absolutely hilarious watching me rage against my genetically horrid curly hair. Though I've received complements on my efforts and as shallow as that makes it i did make it feel somewhat worthwhile. So i went for two friends, i made two more friends on the night. I started a 'rapist' remark about another party goer and everyone loved it and i temporarily became the centre of attention. It's a easy strategy, destroy another person to make yourself seem more likable. It worked i befriend sober people. Go team. So the party hit like 10.30-11 and nearly everyone was drunk, aside from Brett (Ted). Everyone at this party appeared to be a chain smoker, this did not make me happy. I get why people smoke, my parent's do. Though the first concrete promise i made to my parents is i would never smoke. To this day i have honored that promise even though I'll get lung cancer from all the passive smoking i do. So i began to feel somewhat uncomfortable. I was disappointed when the weed came out. As strange as it sounds i at the age of 19 have never had the desire to do drugs while it seems a majority of my friends do. I know it's not a rare occurrence, i know how easily i go get weed if i wanted; everyone knows at least one person who does. It was getting close to 11 and my friend was gone, the other one was going while trying to entertain her guests. So i went around the house looking for the car keys, had a awkward conversation with a woman that only spoke Chinese and went in search of a bus stop. I had to bypass a drunken attempt at a deep and meaningful i was not in the mood, i indeed was not a happy chappy.
I found a bus route and jumped on. I called Glen and i asked if he could pick me up from South Bank because i didn't want him driving all the way out to McGregor nor did i really want to stay at the party for another half a hour. To my surprise my bus was filled with more drunks that were intending to go out clubbing; except they were all Asian. I got to South Bank and i waited half a hour. I was fine with this, Glen was going out to get food beforehand i didn't mind waiting. I realised i should've just caught another bus but he offered in advance to pick me up if things went bad. I felt like utter shit when i got in the car. I understand how close me and Glen are, he was fine with picking me up but i wasn't. I know how much it annoys him when people ask for him to pick them up at late hours, granted it was my first time but i couldn't have felt worse. I spent the night repeatedly apologising, he just laughed it off. I got there, we watched Christen play PlayStation for a while till about 12.30. I then began to study while having a long distance conversation with Glen sine we were in separate rooms. He told me his insurance had screwed him over, so i was telling him i would give him $100 to last him the week. He of course refused and we argued. He stated he had a stash of change somewhere so at 1.30 am we decided to hit the basement and look for it. We found a fair few things, i laughed at the school photos i saw of Glen and some of the other guys and other memento's of his childhood. We found the coins and we ended up counting up $88 in silver till about 2. I did a bit more study preparation but when the laptop died i couldn't be bothered to find the charging cable so i went to bed. Me and Glen ended up talking till 3, i needed to get stuff of my chest and he was more than happy to listen. I've learnt talking about your psychological issues especially those about your fears for the future and life in general is somewhat awkward with another guy.
Saturday started off with a visit from Jarrod who i don't see very often it was a nice catch up then we went for food. We came back and watched 'I hope they serve beer in hell'. At the start we were like yay B rated porno, but to my surprise it was a really decent movie. Jesse Bradford was amazing, he acting just did something to the movie. No man could insult strippers like he can. That day while Christen was playing PS3 and Sara was watching Naruto i helped Glen take the windscreen out of his car so he could de-tint it, pretty sure I'm a classified mechanic now folks. I found out a friend got a written warning at work from his father. That shit is not right, i understand you're going through a a divorce and you were never a proper dad but you don't give you own kid a written warning. I spoke to Pete about it and he agreed that you don't get written warnings about trivial matters especially not from a relative. That night i was informed about a drunken confrontation between people. The whole situation, the location, the topic, the people involved and their ability to communicate was an entire facepalm situation. I didn't get involved, it wasn't a conversation that should have taken place, especially not with the over intoxicated. In a sense it did make me sad but the situation didn't have anything to do with me so I'll just have to wait to see how it goes in case i need to defuse anything. Preparation is everything in friendships.
Work was work for the next two days. Normally I'm happy to go to work and i can get a fair amount done but just for those two days i made a few errors and i just could not focus. I haven't been getting enough sleep (Still not it's 1.30 am and I'm blogging). Work overall is going well though. Today i managed to get my training done, we have to do these online quiz's. Workplace health and safety is horrible but it's over and done with. I found out I've been underpaid for 7 weeks of work. So I'll be getting backpay in the next two weeks, this excites me because it comes during my planned driving lesson period which i still need to organise.
Yesterday i found out a very close friend has a good possibility of moving to Melbourne. I won't state her name in case she intends on informing people. Though i was trying to console my sister about her problem i found this and just kind of died on the spot. I got pass the initial run over to her house and knock some sense into her because i refused for her to leave me, but i had to think about it rationally because my legal degree has taught me that kidnapping is illegal. Regardless the whole situation did and still does scare me. I don't see her enough as i want and the prospect of all the kilometres that would be between us just terrifies me. Granted i have made my long distance friendship with Gabbi work (note to self, text her tomorrow) i just worry. Though i know that i have gone through a immense ordeal with her over the years, we dated each others best friends, she was there when i had break downs and we still share many discussions about the failures of modern society. I think if she does move, we can still maintain our level of friendship, i had to think about the fact we communicate a lot over msn/facebook/text rather than in person so that's the assumption I'm going with. No wait, i know we won't change, there was a event that pretty much changed my life drastically and i can still recall the picture that was taken and the fact she's in that picture means i would have quite a hard time forgetting her even if i wanted to. So i think that's about it really, time for bed yeah? I know theres something I'm forgetting, or i worded something in a manner that it would insult someone but didn't mean it so i apologise in advance if i appears that way. That point was bought up last week and yeah now I'm quite worried about what i say because surprising more people read this than i initially thought so now I'm trying to watch what i say or how i say it but when you've had about 15 hours sleep over three days and you're still writing at 1.45 am you tend to edit your train of thought before it gets written down.
I had my first exam for this semester. Contract Law; not my strong point. I literally learnt a semesters worth in three nights. I won't lie i never really prepared for the tutorials, it was mixture of i do not in no way shape or form understand this nor can i be bothered reading extra cases to understand. Though somehow i have managed to grasp the relevant concepts required for contractual theory. Though the exam didn't go as planned, i ran out of time basically. We were required to do two questions in a two hour period. I spent a hour and forty minutes on question one part a and then rushed the rest. My goal was to accumulate the required 23.5 or something marks out of a exam worth 55. The questions i answered were worth 34 so I'm hopeful but then again knowing my luck I'm preparing myself to fail by like two marks. Oh well that's what supplementary assessment is there for. I'm not going to worry about it, Pete said my back could be stressed induced so i really don't want to think about it.
I have another exam Wednesday morning. So I'll be spending all of tomorrow preparing for it. Aside from NCIS because it's a season finale and i really want to know what the hell is going on with Gibbs. The exam is tort's law (trespass). It's my second time doing this subject and in comparison to the last go I've passed every other piece of assessment for the subject. So my chances of passing are fairly decent (just touched wood) but i should aim for something a little higher so i can boost my GPA. Then i have a weeks worth of prep to do for two other subjects, one I'm ugh about and the other one I'm kinda gjwekljglskjgklwejglwsjlgtwejslgwejljgwelj about. Though prepare for torts still takes priority especially if i have to go to the doctor and waste time there while my back continues to annoy me. It's another 8.30 start which means another 6am awake up call.
The next topic i want to address is friends but i don't know the order to address it so I'll just go in what ever it happened in.
The party
Friday i had a party, i spent ages getting ready; more than a man should. Mum thought it was absolutely hilarious watching me rage against my genetically horrid curly hair. Though I've received complements on my efforts and as shallow as that makes it i did make it feel somewhat worthwhile. So i went for two friends, i made two more friends on the night. I started a 'rapist' remark about another party goer and everyone loved it and i temporarily became the centre of attention. It's a easy strategy, destroy another person to make yourself seem more likable. It worked i befriend sober people. Go team. So the party hit like 10.30-11 and nearly everyone was drunk, aside from Brett (Ted). Everyone at this party appeared to be a chain smoker, this did not make me happy. I get why people smoke, my parent's do. Though the first concrete promise i made to my parents is i would never smoke. To this day i have honored that promise even though I'll get lung cancer from all the passive smoking i do. So i began to feel somewhat uncomfortable. I was disappointed when the weed came out. As strange as it sounds i at the age of 19 have never had the desire to do drugs while it seems a majority of my friends do. I know it's not a rare occurrence, i know how easily i go get weed if i wanted; everyone knows at least one person who does. It was getting close to 11 and my friend was gone, the other one was going while trying to entertain her guests. So i went around the house looking for the car keys, had a awkward conversation with a woman that only spoke Chinese and went in search of a bus stop. I had to bypass a drunken attempt at a deep and meaningful i was not in the mood, i indeed was not a happy chappy.
I found a bus route and jumped on. I called Glen and i asked if he could pick me up from South Bank because i didn't want him driving all the way out to McGregor nor did i really want to stay at the party for another half a hour. To my surprise my bus was filled with more drunks that were intending to go out clubbing; except they were all Asian. I got to South Bank and i waited half a hour. I was fine with this, Glen was going out to get food beforehand i didn't mind waiting. I realised i should've just caught another bus but he offered in advance to pick me up if things went bad. I felt like utter shit when i got in the car. I understand how close me and Glen are, he was fine with picking me up but i wasn't. I know how much it annoys him when people ask for him to pick them up at late hours, granted it was my first time but i couldn't have felt worse. I spent the night repeatedly apologising, he just laughed it off. I got there, we watched Christen play PlayStation for a while till about 12.30. I then began to study while having a long distance conversation with Glen sine we were in separate rooms. He told me his insurance had screwed him over, so i was telling him i would give him $100 to last him the week. He of course refused and we argued. He stated he had a stash of change somewhere so at 1.30 am we decided to hit the basement and look for it. We found a fair few things, i laughed at the school photos i saw of Glen and some of the other guys and other memento's of his childhood. We found the coins and we ended up counting up $88 in silver till about 2. I did a bit more study preparation but when the laptop died i couldn't be bothered to find the charging cable so i went to bed. Me and Glen ended up talking till 3, i needed to get stuff of my chest and he was more than happy to listen. I've learnt talking about your psychological issues especially those about your fears for the future and life in general is somewhat awkward with another guy.
Saturday started off with a visit from Jarrod who i don't see very often it was a nice catch up then we went for food. We came back and watched 'I hope they serve beer in hell'. At the start we were like yay B rated porno, but to my surprise it was a really decent movie. Jesse Bradford was amazing, he acting just did something to the movie. No man could insult strippers like he can. That day while Christen was playing PS3 and Sara was watching Naruto i helped Glen take the windscreen out of his car so he could de-tint it, pretty sure I'm a classified mechanic now folks. I found out a friend got a written warning at work from his father. That shit is not right, i understand you're going through a a divorce and you were never a proper dad but you don't give you own kid a written warning. I spoke to Pete about it and he agreed that you don't get written warnings about trivial matters especially not from a relative. That night i was informed about a drunken confrontation between people. The whole situation, the location, the topic, the people involved and their ability to communicate was an entire facepalm situation. I didn't get involved, it wasn't a conversation that should have taken place, especially not with the over intoxicated. In a sense it did make me sad but the situation didn't have anything to do with me so I'll just have to wait to see how it goes in case i need to defuse anything. Preparation is everything in friendships.
Work was work for the next two days. Normally I'm happy to go to work and i can get a fair amount done but just for those two days i made a few errors and i just could not focus. I haven't been getting enough sleep (Still not it's 1.30 am and I'm blogging). Work overall is going well though. Today i managed to get my training done, we have to do these online quiz's. Workplace health and safety is horrible but it's over and done with. I found out I've been underpaid for 7 weeks of work. So I'll be getting backpay in the next two weeks, this excites me because it comes during my planned driving lesson period which i still need to organise.
Yesterday i found out a very close friend has a good possibility of moving to Melbourne. I won't state her name in case she intends on informing people. Though i was trying to console my sister about her problem i found this and just kind of died on the spot. I got pass the initial run over to her house and knock some sense into her because i refused for her to leave me, but i had to think about it rationally because my legal degree has taught me that kidnapping is illegal. Regardless the whole situation did and still does scare me. I don't see her enough as i want and the prospect of all the kilometres that would be between us just terrifies me. Granted i have made my long distance friendship with Gabbi work (note to self, text her tomorrow) i just worry. Though i know that i have gone through a immense ordeal with her over the years, we dated each others best friends, she was there when i had break downs and we still share many discussions about the failures of modern society. I think if she does move, we can still maintain our level of friendship, i had to think about the fact we communicate a lot over msn/facebook/text rather than in person so that's the assumption I'm going with. No wait, i know we won't change, there was a event that pretty much changed my life drastically and i can still recall the picture that was taken and the fact she's in that picture means i would have quite a hard time forgetting her even if i wanted to. So i think that's about it really, time for bed yeah? I know theres something I'm forgetting, or i worded something in a manner that it would insult someone but didn't mean it so i apologise in advance if i appears that way. That point was bought up last week and yeah now I'm quite worried about what i say because surprising more people read this than i initially thought so now I'm trying to watch what i say or how i say it but when you've had about 15 hours sleep over three days and you're still writing at 1.45 am you tend to edit your train of thought before it gets written down.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Weekend v Uni
Relax I'm in a good state of mind so you won't have to hear about my whinging. Yeah those things have/are eating me up but i have things to look forward to to negate being shitty about my life. I've officially started on exam prep. Listened through recordings for most of my contract stuff and have three pages of notes. Hitting the study guide today, text book on the weekend and such.
Granted i did procrastinate for 5 hours yesterday, so far I'm at nearly two hours today but i should be starting soon. I hate a party tonight, Amy's post birthday, i shall be going with Amanda. I look forward to it, not just because this will be the first time I'm going to be drinking in a while but i just need to relax, make lame sexual innuendos and just laugh with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to see the guys at Carindale, most likely spend the night and unwind. Not before i do some reading, or I'll take my text book and force Glen to make me study.
I feel bad because i can't do my Monday shift, but Michael told me not to worry about and just focus on my exam, few people actually work in a job where your bosses actually care about you; I'm lucky enough to be one of those. Alright, Contract learning mode GO!
Granted i did procrastinate for 5 hours yesterday, so far I'm at nearly two hours today but i should be starting soon. I hate a party tonight, Amy's post birthday, i shall be going with Amanda. I look forward to it, not just because this will be the first time I'm going to be drinking in a while but i just need to relax, make lame sexual innuendos and just laugh with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to see the guys at Carindale, most likely spend the night and unwind. Not before i do some reading, or I'll take my text book and force Glen to make me study.
I feel bad because i can't do my Monday shift, but Michael told me not to worry about and just focus on my exam, few people actually work in a job where your bosses actually care about you; I'm lucky enough to be one of those. Alright, Contract learning mode GO!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Weakness
This blog is starting at 1.17am. I haven't had a emo blog for a while so i think it's time to let up a little. I hate these blogs, this state of mind, but i need to get it out of my system. As of late, I've only managed to find one word that befits my current efforts in regards to my life; failure.
This law degree is eating me up on the inside. For some reason i feel like a utter failure for giving it up. I've withdrawn from law units next semester and taken up four justice subjects. Regardless that I've been telling people I've ended my legal career has ended, i haven't had the courage to hand in my subject-transfer form into university. I don't know what to do. I know this is mother's dream for me, and i know if i actually forced myself to study i could do it. Though then what, I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the profession and i have no interest in learning about the material. Sometimes i wonder if my laziness to prepare for assessment is just a social adjustment i need to adapt to, the whole university life or if it's some hidden ideology if i fail law units i have no alternative to change courses, though i think forcing myself to fail for subjects and destroy my GPA to acquire a glimpse of courage is a little too melodramatic for me.
I've started training again. I've adapted to the new gym workout. Exercise is good, it helps deal with the stress and gives you a more positive outlook on life. Though after two months off my technique has somewhat deteriorated. I feel like I'm starting again from white belt. Except it's far my frustrating. Your body learns from repetition, after a two month break when you try to do even the simplest move, you know how to do it except your body won't comply. Today was probably the most frustrating training session I've had in a while. We've always placed peoples capabilities into brackets, whose abilities match whose so sparring is even; to see where I've fallen to both upsets and infuriates me.
That topic is back in my mind. I force it out a fair bit but it shouldn't be there in the first place. The human mind is truly a terrible and frightening thing. I don't know maybe it's time to see someone about it you know. This is a topic i don't bring up with friends, what are you supposed to talk about it. It kind of feels like no one understands you or judges you for childish fear. I've had people tell me they think the same but i don't really see anyone failing to cope with it as to the degree i do. It's kind of making me want to be alone. Even though that's kind of what makes it worse. Though i worry that I'll have another breakdown soon and i refuse for my friends to see me in that state of mind. One stage is to read about it and learn about what's eating you up. I laughed at myself. The anxiety, my inability to maintain a healthy relationship; i guess the second step would be to make a declaration? Hi, um well; My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i have a phobia of death and it's sort of fucking me over.
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams.
This law degree is eating me up on the inside. For some reason i feel like a utter failure for giving it up. I've withdrawn from law units next semester and taken up four justice subjects. Regardless that I've been telling people I've ended my legal career has ended, i haven't had the courage to hand in my subject-transfer form into university. I don't know what to do. I know this is mother's dream for me, and i know if i actually forced myself to study i could do it. Though then what, I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the profession and i have no interest in learning about the material. Sometimes i wonder if my laziness to prepare for assessment is just a social adjustment i need to adapt to, the whole university life or if it's some hidden ideology if i fail law units i have no alternative to change courses, though i think forcing myself to fail for subjects and destroy my GPA to acquire a glimpse of courage is a little too melodramatic for me.
I've started training again. I've adapted to the new gym workout. Exercise is good, it helps deal with the stress and gives you a more positive outlook on life. Though after two months off my technique has somewhat deteriorated. I feel like I'm starting again from white belt. Except it's far my frustrating. Your body learns from repetition, after a two month break when you try to do even the simplest move, you know how to do it except your body won't comply. Today was probably the most frustrating training session I've had in a while. We've always placed peoples capabilities into brackets, whose abilities match whose so sparring is even; to see where I've fallen to both upsets and infuriates me.
That topic is back in my mind. I force it out a fair bit but it shouldn't be there in the first place. The human mind is truly a terrible and frightening thing. I don't know maybe it's time to see someone about it you know. This is a topic i don't bring up with friends, what are you supposed to talk about it. It kind of feels like no one understands you or judges you for childish fear. I've had people tell me they think the same but i don't really see anyone failing to cope with it as to the degree i do. It's kind of making me want to be alone. Even though that's kind of what makes it worse. Though i worry that I'll have another breakdown soon and i refuse for my friends to see me in that state of mind. One stage is to read about it and learn about what's eating you up. I laughed at myself. The anxiety, my inability to maintain a healthy relationship; i guess the second step would be to make a declaration? Hi, um well; My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i have a phobia of death and it's sort of fucking me over.
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Dejan v World
There is a fine line between a inside joke and a low-blow. This line is generally determined by going out of your way to insult someone when that person was under the impression you were friends. I use past tense because i can't really, no wait i don't have the energy to fathom what is going on in your head. Sure let's insult me on my status updates, a lol at the end makes it all better. Now you're tracking conversations I'm having with friends on photos and make a remark on that conversation. Clearly i am having a conversation with this person, not you because i value them more. I deleted your comment; i felt embarrassed for you.
I remember talking to various people about oh how my little friendship groups wouldn't disperse. We would still all hang out and stuff. I just didn't understand or consider the effect that real life would have on peoples personalities. Like i understand i changed as well, no doubt about it.Though i would like to think the fact that i still act the same, have the same discussions with a few people i went to school i haven't changed in too much. I had a great discussion about all of this with Karli, we talked about how people we used to be friends with have made drastic changes and how friendship groups were kind of breaking up.
It seems that when school ended, everyone chose a few people to stick to and retained those friendships. I'm not fussy I'm glad I'm friends with the people that still want to see me. I saw Amanda today, this made me happy. This next part of the blog might sound hypocritical but bare with me. Today i had the 'pleasure' of spending time with someone you lose all contact with then just develop a general disregard for. I mean of someone is going to extent of deleting you of facebook because you weren't a 'good friend' then i see no reason to maintain communication with you.
Though I'm starting to delete people of facebook as well. There not friends, just people i felt like accepting out of obligation because we went to school. Like there are some people who i don't wish to be informed about their drinking habits or shit like that. I'll keep Vag-wax girl purely for shits and giggles because it makes me feel about myself. Guess it's time for another change. Oh i met the sisters new boyfriend today. Not a good first impression, beyond awkward, the fact he's 18 i'm still urgh about, oh well time shall tell.
Oh back to facebook for a second. This website, what ever you consider it just shows me the stupidity of humanity. This girl i know is 17 and just had her first child with a man that looks like hes 23 and yet people are congratulating her on the baby. What are you reinforcing? Good job not wearing a condom and getting yourself pregnant therefore crippling your life, your partners life and the quality of life your child will have and become a bigger detriment to tax payers in the future, you definitely made the right decision there. I guess its comforting when you put it in the context of my fear of death, i shouldn't worry about dieing because the way society is going death will probably soon be considered a godsend.
I remember talking to various people about oh how my little friendship groups wouldn't disperse. We would still all hang out and stuff. I just didn't understand or consider the effect that real life would have on peoples personalities. Like i understand i changed as well, no doubt about it.Though i would like to think the fact that i still act the same, have the same discussions with a few people i went to school i haven't changed in too much. I had a great discussion about all of this with Karli, we talked about how people we used to be friends with have made drastic changes and how friendship groups were kind of breaking up.
It seems that when school ended, everyone chose a few people to stick to and retained those friendships. I'm not fussy I'm glad I'm friends with the people that still want to see me. I saw Amanda today, this made me happy. This next part of the blog might sound hypocritical but bare with me. Today i had the 'pleasure' of spending time with someone you lose all contact with then just develop a general disregard for. I mean of someone is going to extent of deleting you of facebook because you weren't a 'good friend' then i see no reason to maintain communication with you.
Though I'm starting to delete people of facebook as well. There not friends, just people i felt like accepting out of obligation because we went to school. Like there are some people who i don't wish to be informed about their drinking habits or shit like that. I'll keep Vag-wax girl purely for shits and giggles because it makes me feel about myself. Guess it's time for another change. Oh i met the sisters new boyfriend today. Not a good first impression, beyond awkward, the fact he's 18 i'm still urgh about, oh well time shall tell.
Oh back to facebook for a second. This website, what ever you consider it just shows me the stupidity of humanity. This girl i know is 17 and just had her first child with a man that looks like hes 23 and yet people are congratulating her on the baby. What are you reinforcing? Good job not wearing a condom and getting yourself pregnant therefore crippling your life, your partners life and the quality of life your child will have and become a bigger detriment to tax payers in the future, you definitely made the right decision there. I guess its comforting when you put it in the context of my fear of death, i shouldn't worry about dieing because the way society is going death will probably soon be considered a godsend.
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