Weakness

This blog is starting at 1.17am. I haven't had a emo blog for a while so i think it's time to let up a little. I hate these blogs, this state of mind, but i need to get it out of my system. As of late, I've only managed to find one word that befits my current efforts in regards to my life; failure.

This law degree is eating me up on the inside. For some reason i feel like a utter failure for giving it up. I've withdrawn from law units next semester and taken up four justice subjects. Regardless that I've been telling people I've ended my legal career has ended, i haven't had the courage to hand in my subject-transfer form into university. I don't know what to do. I know this is mother's dream for me, and i know if i actually forced myself to study i could do it. Though then what, I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the profession and i have no interest in learning about the material. Sometimes i wonder if my laziness to prepare for assessment is just a social adjustment i need to adapt to, the whole university life or if it's some hidden ideology if i fail law units i have no alternative to change courses, though i think forcing myself to fail for subjects and destroy my GPA to acquire a glimpse of courage is a little too melodramatic for me.

I've started training again. I've adapted to the new gym workout. Exercise is good, it helps deal with the stress and gives you a more positive outlook on life. Though after two months off my technique has somewhat deteriorated. I feel like I'm starting again from white belt. Except it's far my frustrating. Your body learns from repetition, after a two month break when you try to do even the simplest move, you know how to do it except your body won't comply. Today was probably the most frustrating training session I've had in a while. We've always placed peoples capabilities into brackets, whose abilities match whose so sparring is even; to see where I've fallen to both upsets and infuriates me.

That topic is back in my mind. I force it out a fair bit but it shouldn't be there in the first place. The human mind is truly a terrible and frightening thing. I don't know maybe it's time to see someone about it you know. This is a topic i don't bring up with friends, what are you supposed to talk about it. It kind of feels like no one understands you or judges you for childish fear. I've had people tell me they think the same but i don't really see anyone failing to cope with it as to the degree i do. It's kind of making me want to be alone. Even though that's kind of what makes it worse. Though i worry that I'll have another breakdown soon and i refuse for my friends to see me in that state of mind. One stage is to read about it and learn about what's eating you up. I laughed at myself. The anxiety, my inability to maintain a healthy relationship; i guess the second step would be to make a declaration? Hi, um well; My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i have a phobia of death and it's sort of fucking me over.

'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams.