It Resumes

'Mind over matter' - Sir Charles Lyell.

We've heard it, but most of us probably don't believe it. I didn't, i was as skeptical as the next person, a simple mind set can't completely resolve numerous problems. In a sense i still am somewhat hesitant to believe it, though I've come to realise a positive mindset does help you move forward if just a fragment.

I've been angry, whingy and frustrated over the past week. Last blog i wrote i decided i was over it and stated i intended to move forward. That night was definitely a step forward. The driving lesson with my father was nothing but an endurance test. I felt shit afterwards but i didn't care. It was over and done with, there was nothing more i could do. So i went and spent the evening with Glen. We had a Criminal Minds marathon, and with his car out of operation we decided to order Chinese. It was a good night. I didn't do anything, i just watched a show i liked with a good friend and ate terriyaki chicken and sweet and sour pork. om nom nom.

The person i had complained about, i just comprehend what mindset he was in. Talking about to me strangers and then friends and people i worked with. I can't fathom his ignorance. Though i guess the silver lining in the situation is that my friends know me and stuck up for me, this is something I'm grateful. I'm more at ease about him showing up to this weekend, i don't intend on talking to him, but i know i would be causing a scene and tackling him through a window.

The week progresses. I've become lazier. Just listening to music because i haven't had any shifts at work. I'm starting on university work this week, well today. After this blog I'm catching up on lectures and preparing for the first tutorial tomorrow. I'm also getting mums birthday present tomorrow.

I've decided all i really need to do is to hold out till September. That's going to be my month. You Me at Six, Video Games Galore, The new store opening. Though I'm going to keep this positive mind set going. Once again thanks to musical lyrics.

'Because we're never gonna be as young as we are tonight' - The Summer Set.

The most difficult person is yourself

I'm over it. The self-loathing, the being in a shit mode, the lack of contact with good friends. I watched season one of Big Bang Theory. It made me laugh quite a bit. I saw friends this week, i contemplated getting highly intoxicated just to ease up, then i decided against it. It's pointless to rely on something like that. One thing I've decided is I'm tired of being petty. People won't change, gossiping will never cease.

I'm sick of letting people get me down. I'm sick of all these little petty things eat me up inside. You always come to a point in life, where you just don't know what to do because every step you take that appears to be forward is a right hand turn into a never ending spiral. Though the funny thing about this emotional state is that you seem to find a sing that feels like it was specifically written for you, at this stage in your life. My song is an acoustic one, titled Again by Faber Drive. A band my sister told me to youtube two days ago.

This song just seemed to demand a little resolve, so I'm just going to try and live in the present and just enjoy it. I saw friends last night, it was good to see everyone again though a fair amount of shit went down. I came to the point where i was giving advice that i myself should be taking. Today will be the ultimate test. Driving with dad, if i can live through that without getting frustrated I'm pretty sure i can amount to anything.

So here's to a little self-resolve, to overcoming obstacles and people and just enjoying the place in life you are currently at.

"Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it decisions or these feelings?
That always hurt my mind, that always hurt my mind.
That always kill my pride inside.
That always waste my time again, again." - Faber Drive.

Tired and Whiney

Somethings missing but i can't seem to put my finger on it. Of of late I've been in a constant mood of frustration, not anger but just sheer frustration. Deep and meaningfuls last night but i couldn't put it into words so I'm going to try and blog. I don't know whats been bothering me as of late. We'll a lot of things have, i think I'm still suck on the events of the last two blogs but slowly overcoming that. You know somethings wrong when British punk rock bands and anime don't cheer you up.

Someone want to take me on a holiday? I'll offer you my first born. I oh so desperately want to go to Japan. I think it would be magical. I would one day lose all my money, get a part time job only to realise that my employer is a ninja. Then I'm going to train with him, fall in love with his daughter, fight gangs of illiterate teenagers in my spare time, then get married, force her to pop out a ridiculous amount of children, mostly boys, their all going to become ninjas then I'll give world domination ago; unless i get lazy and settle with taking of Peru. It's a rather sound plan. I've done some planning for the future. This Christmas break I'm going to get a couple of friends together and go see the Great Barrier Reef, I've wanted to see it for sometime and found someone that is willing to go with me. Figured i should see it before Global Warming or an oil spill fucks it up.

I'm working harder for my hours. I want my P's. I want to take a road trip to somewhere exotic and foreign, but with cellphone reception in case i get lost and need to facebook a s.o.s. Today's driving lesson was pretty decent. Until about the last 20 minutes where something just went wrong. I just couldn't focus and everything i did just went bad. Sunday I'm driving with dad, i don't know how that's going to turn out. He's an aggressive back seat driver. So we'll see. OK I think I've done enough moping. I'm going to download some new music, and watch Big Bang Theory.

Life's Impedimenta

I need a holiday. I know it's ironic saying that because university has just resumed and i have just finished my holidays. Though i need a at least interstate if not international holiday. Part of me wants to have a holiday to myself, a holiday not to Serbia to see my family, but rather in the opposite direction; away from my family and everything.

I want to go to Japan. Get lost for a while and discover a few things about myself. I just want to watch movies and anime in another language and spend ever meal eating terriyaki chicken. I want to sleep on a floor, live in a country that uses a language that promotes respect and learn about the history and culture.

I've just finished watching the first season of Naruto in Japanese, 220 episodes and I've already started on the second. I youtubed the English version and hated it. I can't watched dubbed. It's like when i watch my three kingdom movies or other Asian cinematics, i have to go with subbed, can not for the love of me do dubbed. That's my ideal day though, foreign action films and chicken.

Lately I've been pissed off. Moping around the house listening to emo music. After talking to someone last night about what's been bothering me as of late I've decided i needn't concern myself without peoples personality flaw's. Talk about me, make up uneducated hypotheses about me. It'll just make sifting friends from the rest a lot easier. I'm not going to confront the person about what was said about me. I don't really care for them much anymore nor do i see a reason to maintain an emotional connection. If I'm angry at them I'm still connected, better to forget them entirely and just go back to enjoying life.

Apologies to anyone that's talked with me over the past couple of days. I haven't been myself. Also another thing that's starting to get to me is PMS. My sister is about to hit the wonderful age of sixteen. Oh when she gets into one of her moods, domestic violence sounds like a godsend.

I've ordered my university books online to be delivered. I'm not going to university this week because i can be bothered to attend my one lecture and i have no tutorials this week. I'll start on my external stuff Friday as this week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I'm seeing as friend, Thursday is a haircut, Friday i have to go see a Justice of the Peace to get a witness statement signed which i have yet to write up. Along with trying to get as many hours down as possible. I think it's time reconsider lifestyle once again and use the return of university as motivation to have a better strategy for the semester and life in general. No memorable quotes this blog.

You're going far, kid

I don't really want to write this blog because right now I'm just the host to a multitude of emotions all generally related to anger and frustration. So i was supposed to go to a birthday party last night, meet some new people and go clubbing and what not but didn't cause i had Glen crashing over.

To be honest i don't know if it was best not going to that party. I found out i was the topic of discussion as a friend of mine went there. I'm there sitting in the movie with a friend and I'm getting all these texts. I felt nauseous not by what was said but about the fact that we live in a world where if some random acquaintance says something about your friend you take that as a fact and don't even raise the situation with your friend.

I really don't want to deal with the situation any time soon because i''m just raging right now. I don't really care much for humanity at the moment and have realised why my friendship pool is slowly dwindling. I'm really fine with this, I'm just sick of peoples shit when I'm trying to live a simple enjoyable life.

rage, rage, rage.

In other news Glen and Karli crashed over Friday. It was nice just to chillax with friends. We watch some post-apocalypse movie. I didn't enjoy this because of the whole philosophical debate behind it. It appears i haven't dealt with my little phobia as well as i thought i had. Though i didn't say anything, my problems shouldn't be pressed onto my friends. So i sat through the movie.

The new Three Kingdoms movie wasn't that enjoyable, i found it alright because i enjoy Asian cinema but it just was a flawed movie. I've officially met the seven Poole children, it's feels like an accomplishment. Today i was told that I haven't been giving myself enough credit. This made me happy.

'Now dance fucker dance, man he really never had a chance and no one ever knew' - The Offspring.

Devolpments

Progress is only made by moving forward hand-in-hand with the occasional risk. The life of Dejan might be opening a new chapter; said chapter is to be called 'The Room-mate'. This decision is in the making, if it is to happen it may be temporary or permanent.

It's a very big call. This will very well rock the foundation of how i live my life. Things are being considered. This is one of my best friends and he needs a change in life style and my friends are more than happy to put them up. I am more than happy to put them aside. This person is active and outgoing while i on the other hand am quite lazy and reserved. Though i will feel bad so my life style will change, this is a good point. If i become active i become healthier and my overall life expectancy will increase. I think this will effect the whole family, mostly positively. We've been putting up whole families ever since i was in primacy school so an extra person won't really effect the daily routine. Think the best improvement would be my sister not spending ever waking minute on msn and facebook; though then again that is the life of a high school student.

I've been talking it over with mum, we've been thinking of how we're going to put the stuff in. Rearrange furniture and what we might have to throw away. While i want this to happen, we are both aware that we might get annoyed with one another within such a confined space. Though i still think my overzealous ego will prevent such a thing happening. It will be nice to have someone to talk to and hang out on a regular basis. Though as discussed with Lauren this move will ultimately put me in a vow of celibacy. I will be sharing a room with a good friend, therefor i will not be getting laid, nor will i be going out with friends with the intention of hooking up. Majority of people reading this have lost their virginity and realised that humans have needs; undoubtedly it will be harder for a man than a woman but i look forward to a change. This is turning into quite a year folks.

I have accomplished another feat; i survived driving with my mother. She was panicky and still is, i can tell when she's nervous because she latches onto the door handle or something else. Though second lesson in she was comfortable with allowing me to go on main roads. Though i still get the 'Your L plate's don't protect you from drugs and alcohol'. I think she means alcohol and drug infused drivers.

Rewarding efforts

I am so tired. My parent's can get to me so badly. Today i was supposed to go to training. I can't find my uniform, mother has hidden it somewhere. Father goes into immediate bitch mode; why do you want to go today if you haven't gone in 15 days. Oh 15, who's counting, certainty i wasn't.
Ok maybe i was, it has been 9; so suck on that. I dislike going to training after not going to training. Oh, where were you? Oh you should've come anyway. Urgh.

I'll use the blood test and vaccination needles as an excuse, yeah my arm is still somewhat sore. I'll blow it out of proportion. I'm angry. I want to go to training and hit something. I would enjoy that very much so. I passed up on going to a friends house tonight so i could go to training. Maybe I'll nap who knows.

Today was rather decent. I overcame my fears, soon realising how pointless worrying is and proceeded with the task at hand. 3 hours of waiting. Blood tests, various swabs. It was the most awkward examination but i had a pretty epic nurse that swore and made me laugh during the whole thing which was nice. Dad came in for a shower when he got home; 'Did you have anything to eat, aside from nutella'. You have no idea what i do, what i keep from you, just so you can be happy father.

People who intrude on inside jokes, or just conversations with the ego to believe they are aware of what the discussion is about annoy me. It's pointless, find your own friends. If people are throwing a bunch of sentences, in what appears to be an illogical order they are either drunk or quoting something, the moment you make a blatant attempt at a plain joke in this sries of quotes, you become annoying, it's simply as that.

I've returned to the world of online gaming. I reinstalled on the weekend and went from there. I spent a good 2 hours catching up with a girl from NSW i used to play with. I was sad to hear that most of the people in our little online raiding group have left the game, i shouldn't be surprised i was one of the first to leave. The music was quite nostalgic and made me somewhat emotional.

Oh you silly little nerd, nice effort today though. Go team.

Resolutions to myself

I haven't known how to phrase my thoughts for a while but i think it's time i gave it a go. Lately a lot of things have been on my mind. I've gone from epic highs to indescribable rage. September will be a great month for me. The video game i have been waiting for over a year for will be finally coming out, in the same week my favourite band will be playing in Brisbane. It took me a fair while to get those tickets because the Internet site that you had to purchase them wouldn't let me sign up for an account. Though at the end of that day, i was literally jumping for joy.

Work's definitely hit a high note. Last week i picked up 14 hours. I've come to expect my shifts being extended. I just overly enjoy my job. Last shift i spent two hours being paid to do nothing but sign kids up to play Mario Kart and watch them. I just sat in a chair in front of a television until the music drove me crazy and i swapped with Michael. I've been alphabetising every game in the store. I haven't finished it yet because I've been interrupted with other tasks but for the most part i am content with the amount i have done. Though i am disappoint that my first shift back after i finished alphabetising the majority people have ignored the system we are supposed to use; oh well you can't win them all.

I have a week off work. I've decided to take this week to accomplished a few things before university resumes. I've tired of my self-loathing. I've driven myself into a little facade that's derived from spending time with my friends. As long as i spent time with them, i was happy and therefore forgot about stuff that's been bothering me. No longer. No more self-loathing, I think it's time to harden the fuck up Dejan. Tomorrow is the first challenge. Having to face something I've been putting off for well over two months because i wanted someone there to hold my hand during it. We all make our mistakes, sometimes make them repeatedly. I think it's time i faced my demons. I think there will be rather content if i can fake the criticism, the fear and the horrid memories alone and not have to burden a friend in the process. If such progress is made, i think it's time i tackled a few other things.

Other changes have been rather rampart. I've put more of an initiative to see friends, and it has paid off. I rather love my friends if i do say so. I've also dropped friends. Dropping all contact with a certain person has rather been pleasing. He didn't approve of me deleting him off facebook, i think it was highly ironic considering everything we've been through. I've also come to realise I've been neglecting a fair amount of people that pretty much mean the world to me. Amanda's going away party was definitely a highlight of the holidays. This evening resulted in Amanda rolling on the floor laughing after her parents examined the gift i had given her. I was out back trying to relieve the pressure form my ribcage from many lol's. Catching up with friends from school has definitely been amazing, even though there are still many more friends i need to hang out with.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things i need to address. Though right now i really can't think. Taking things one day at a time when you have a large sum of things on your plate tends to block ones ability to think ahead. I would like to thank music for my recent change in attitude. There is always one song that someone affects you, this song in particularly has just made me realise to take a step back and look at the things in regards to the big picture.

The song is called 'We All Rock Along' by The Maine. The lyrics in particular that just make me forget everything on my mind are part of the chorus;

'We're alive and we drive to the centre of it. Where we know know we're all fine and this just can't be it. And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long, so tonight's the night we all roll along.' - The Maine.

Simplicity breeds happiness

I'm somewhat confused. Part of me wants to give up blogging. Or significantly reduce the amount i blog. My blog causes issues. One thing i don't enjoy is when a third party informs me that Person X thinks i feel a certain way about them. Generally it's feelings of disdain. I do not enjoy this because more often people are getting it wrong. They either misconstrue what i say or what i mean, or even who it is aimed at. I've been getting a 'Person X thinks you hate them' thing as of late, though there was no action to find out if the blogs are about them. Though i am going under the assumption that it is my blogs that are determining these said feelings because i haven't gone out of my way as of late to project feelings of hatred. I don't know what to do.

University results are back. I passed 3/4 subjects. I am content with this. I am not exactly thrilled about failing a subject and not receiving the grade needed to take suplimentary assessment. Though my initial thought was that i would pass two and fail two, so who am i to complain with three out of four. My GPA is 4.727. This does not bother me. My goal is a GPA of 5.5 by the end of my degree so i know i have time to fix it up. Next semester i am doing three justice subjects. One internal, two external. This will free up a lot of time for friends, work and online gaming. Though i really intend on studying next semester as well to boost my overall GPA>

My weekend was pretty amazing. I was supposed to go to a party Friday night and then go clubbing but my friends left for the party before i got to their house. I was pretty cut about that; wasn't informed they were going. Glen decided to wait for me so we both missed out. So me him and Adrian went to sizzler for dinner and got some movies out. I suggested Glen crash at mine for the weekend so we went off. We watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall when we got here. No matter how many times you see that movie it's still hilarious. Today we drove around a fair bit, got some car parts, Glen did his mechanic thing, i did my nod and pretend you understand what's happening thing. We met up with Karli after she finished work, she bought a Halo figurine which lead to a fair few adventures in the night and we headed off to Nandos. We came back to mine, watched Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and swapped manly stories. We then went to see Robin Hood.

My weekend was amazing. Simplicity breeds happiness. I had the company of friends, i didn't really get up to anything too strenuous. I hate work tomorrow which i don't really look forward to but oh well. Robin Hood somehow inspired me, I've loved that story ever since i saw the Disney version and I've seen many others. This one does the legend justice and it's inspired me to not get worked up over everything. If something bad happens, you can always pick yourself up and give it another go. While i do want to do something with my life, regardless that i don't know what that thing is or even what direction it is, i am rather content with my life and the people in my life.

'Rise, and rise again. Until lambs become lions.'