Undisclosed titles

Today was something, university was university. I struggled to get up, to wake up. I was reluctant to go to uni, i got bored and almost fell asleep in 2/3 tutorials, constantly yawning (always seemed to be at the point where the tutor would look at me).

I did something i set out to do a while ago. It was a meager goal if a goal at all. It was really a challenge to my ego from a friend. She stated she had a winning rate of 50% on solitaire, i was somewhat crushed by what was 27% or so. So i declared i would catch up to her and overtake her. One month and 260 games of mobile solitaire i have done it, i have achieved my 50% winning ratio. I was a little smug, after all it was something i was working towards. So i updated Facebook (Karli Fletcher, don't judge me).

One thing surprised me, someone told me my status was brilliant and asked if she could replicate it. I revisited it, and i was kind of like, wow that's actually somewhat poetic.

'A task, regardless how tiny, once accomplished is still an achievement'. - Dejan Tomasovic.

I had to reorganise itunes, for some reason it refilled my list with pretty much ever and any song i have ever played on the computer. I had to go and delete 300+ songs but oh well. I think I'm going try and become a little bit more goal orientated. I still need to write my list of goals. I think I'll do that tomorrow. I have my meeting with a careers guidance counsellor. I'm frightened. I don't know why, it's illogical. This person is supposed to inform me on possible career paths.

I think my fear stems from the fact that what if i don't like the job I intend on getting with my justice degree? What do i do then? Obviously i would probably have to go back to university, i would cry a fair bit too. I have some idea on how it's going to turn out, in the long run or possibly even short run I'll have have to talk to unit coordinator's. I don't know, i don't like talking to people about gigantic life decisions, especially if i don't know the person that well.

Hey Dejan?
What Mr Conscience?
Would you like a nice glass of harden the fuck up?
Sure!

Well you get the general idea. So now I'm going to focus on my next goal, start my final assignment. I hate memorandums. The goal of tonight is to finish off the research for my assignment, so i can start writing it tomorrow. While watching Juno, which is somewhat horrifying but a decent movie non the less.

'If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.' - Henry David Thoreau.

Just a blog really

Ok there are going to a be a lot of things in this blog, won't be just your standard one topic blog i generally tend to do. First of all, grammar and spelling. I understand that people tend to abbreviate things to shorten sentences, i understand in texting, but when you're talking to someone it's just disgusting. Like using made up abbreviations such as 'mora', no learned person would consider that as a shortened version of the word tomorrow. I understand that this person is still in high school but he is also 17. Also a person I went to school with, i know i don't really like you, i had anything to do with you, but when i see you type something like, "HOLLA BACK AT YO GURL" it makes me wonder; when and why is there a need to talk like a dyslexic ethnic American prostitute working for her 2 minutes of fame on Jerry Springer?

'Evolution, unwanted, frustrating, stressful, necessary' - Dejan Tomasovic.

I have changed so much, especially over the past six months. I noticed this change a while ago, i just didn't know what to do with it, so i just kind of went with it. I mean what do you do when you release your changing as a person? The change i guess could be somewhat predetermined, i decided i wanted to be like someone, i didn't go out of my way to be like them, i just admired them for their morals and what not. Some while ago i realised there was no point in attempting to duplicate myself, i changed for my own purposes.

If you asked me to do things I've been doing as of late last year i probably would've questioned your sobriety. One thing that's changed more than anything is my standard of friendship. I guess in a sense I've come to expect a lot more. 2009 i was the quiet kid, i was the one that spend at least three hours a day playing online games. I miss it all, don't get me wrong, i made some great friends on FFXI. This is probably where my parent's need to evolve. I'm not the gamer anymore, mum knows this but she and dad still worry about me, especially in the uni regard.

Though these days I seem to dropping everything for friends. Friendship - Running after someone at 3.30am because they were angry, walking in a singlet in freezing temperature in silence for 10 minutes because they didn't want to talk and awaiting your opportunity to comfort them while walking through wet grass barefoot. (Dejan Tomasovic, last weekend).

I've been dropping uni more and more, even assessment because a friend was in need of well a friend. I've become the group mediator. I've tried to fix things so much over the past two weeks, my study has going so downhill. I got my first piece assessment back which i failed. At first i was disappoint, i ate comfort teppanyaki. Though in the long run, i helped a friend out; it was worth it and i would probably do it again.

I'm somewhat upset about recent events. One thing i have stood by is never allowing a relationship to ruin a friendship. I found out two people in my little friendship group had something, i don't know but something. I found out the person had a thing for me and my best friend. I instantly distanced myself from the situation, i would never think to hurt a friend. Though another person came into the picture, he didn't share the ideals as me. In the long run I've lost two friends, I'm sad though sometimes you just can't force people to do things your way. How it'll end, i don't know.

One thing still remains, this ungodly, never ending fear of a certain topic. I don't like having this freak outs. I hate having to conceal them but i would never want to tell people when I'm having it. Especially if it happens in regards to do something stupid, like watching Lord of the Rings. I want to watch and and laugh at the fact that Adrian and Glen can quote it, not having to worry about it.

Though i have to ask a question, at what stage should we stop evolving?

'Life is a process. We are a process. The universe is a process' - Anne Wilson Schaef.

Persuit of Happiness

So last night was Jono's birthday. I rocked up after work with Amanda and Amy. I was worried about the awkward 'meet everyone phase'. We turn up and the music is blaring. I walk in the door, and i see nearly everyone is drunk, the boys have their pants off and their just dancing the night away. At this stage, I'd like to introduce Amanda.

Though things just went off. There were a few hitches but i refuse to talk about it. Two exciting things happened that night. First off all, Me and Glen finally got drunk together. I have a high tolerance when it comes to alcohol and i tend to sober up faster than most, the whole being raised with spirits eastern-europe thing (it does have it's flaws when it comes to parties). A lot of grinding, man on man action, Dejan calling for Amanda's assistance in the rape situation but Amanda not coming because she thought i just might enjoy getting tag-teamed by two guys. We called a maxi-taxi after we were well gone, a photo shoot in the back and we were at the Stock Exchange. We danced our little hearts out, I was buying the drinks and it was just fun. I met a fair amount of people, they've been added to facebook; now just waiting on the photos. The other highlight was Adrian coming with us, he's the quiet kid, seeing him do the robot in the corner just made me laugh so much; not in a judgemental way.

I just had so much fun, i know i was drunk, i spent the night yelling at a girl threatening to end her for taking my women away. Though when you're on a high, with a group of friends, just dancing and trying to out do each other you just can't help but be happy. I know it probably won't happen again for a while, but that was most definitely the best night of my life this year, maybe for a few years.

Most people are only as happy as they make their minds out to be - Abraham Lincoln.

Very Good Advice

'Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give' - Norman Macewan.

Five days straight spent with friends without having the concerns of life. This blog will be different to most. It will be productive and just happy. I have come to realise that i have been stressing about far to many things. First of all University. I know it's meant to be a big thing, but it's not the be all end all. I have been hating my degree for far too long. A simple statement a friend lives his life by is 'Why do something you hate', so I've taken action. This person in a short amount of time is becoming a larger piece of wisdom.

'I don't think friendship should be about money' - Glen Poole.

Something I've come to discover, realise and administer into my daily life. My birthday people didn't intend on coming because they couldn't afford it. I lied and said i had already put a large sum down on the deposit where i only put down $50. I didn't want a friend not showing up on the account of not being able to afford food, so i bought them food. I want to be happy, i want my friends to be happen, happiness is not something that should be described through and by a monetary value. I know we eat McDonald's new family box just for the novelty of having a little family meal, it's not any different to our other meals but we still laugh at it.

I'm going to write up a list of both sort term and long term goals, just because I do find my life not really having a direction. I'm at University, but for what purpose? What will i do tomorrow? What will i do in 5 years? What would i like to be doing? All various questions i have to address. This will serve for future blogs. Right now I'm just going to focus on one thing, being happy. Once I've established my foothold on this little mountain, I'll invite others to join me on a little vacation.

I know that i have to prepare for three tutorials tomorrow, I'm not worried. I'll get through it. I might be up a little later than usual tonight but what does that matter? It's not going to effect me all that much tomorrow. I'll also aim to blog more.

No one blogs about being happy, and for some reason I've felt afraid to be that person that does so. Regardless my life is a little bit more than just panic attacks. I should be joyous. My friends met each other at my 19th, i was so worried that they wouldn't get along, but that's all behind me now. Now i know i can bring a friend from school with me on a weekend to hang out without having to chose between friends. This excites me. It makes me happy. I am smiling.

'Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be' - Grandma Moses.

Dejan's life

It's been a while. Time for a summary blog i do believe. So first off all, I'm 19 officially. Yay. Mother invited a few cousins over Monday, she got the day off work. We ordered pizza's, bought mudcake and whisky. I asked her if i could have a few friends over, because in recent month's these kids really have become family. She said yes, she and dad wanted to meet everyone.

I got home, cleaned my room, and waited. Family came first, friends later. It was kind of awkward. I'm on average like 5-10 years younger than my cousins. So our pool of conversation topics is quite smaller than average. After a while me and friends left to play tennis. It appeared to be a audition for the para-Olympics. We were not born athletes. We still had fun. My parent's got drunk that night, and i mean David Hasselhoff drunk. It was fun, some things that mum said I'll never forget, forever scarring. Though the one thing i was happy is that my family liked my friends and vise versa. I know my parent's are quite picky with that sort of thing.

I'm having a birthday dinner tomorrow. Somewhat excited. I was more thrilled to have my friends meet a select few of people i went to school with, just because i knew they would hit it off. That won't be happening. Pretty much everyone is bailing out, except Kevin; good ol' Kev-dawg.

Wednesday was something. I took charge of my life. After weeks of self-deliberation i came to a conclusion. I delivered an ultimatum. I told my parents if i failed any subject this semester i would be dropping law. We talked it out, dad is fine with it. Mum isn't. Lawyer Dejan was her little dream. Everyone seems to be in awe about me dropping out, well intending to. I don't know why, i never liked it; i thought people knew that oh well. I'll finish my Justice degree that's for certain, then ill do something post-grad after. I want two degree's i know that much. I can't begin to express how good it felt to get that off my chest after i told my parents. I came upstairs, put my favourite song on, turned the volume to max and sang like no one could hear. I texted Lauren. I was so happy.

I've come to realise i need to sort out my career. Something i can enjoy doing. Something that won't require me to live in another state. Something i can look forward to.

High School Agenda's

So this has been eating away at me for the past 19 hours. Last night i fucked up. I seriously fucked up. If Sarah Palin became president kind of fuck up. Last night was not what i expected. Started off great, we lit a fire, kept it alive for like 3 hours. It was fun, relaxing what not.

We watching some movies, some great (Bolt) some not so great (Freddy Got Fingered). There is a situation where i should have not gotten involved. Non of us should. It wasn't our situation. We just thought we knew what the outcome was. It was like we were afraid of destroying something we cared about so dearly, our friendship groups and in order to prevent harm to it, we might have even done more damage, ironic isn't it?

I felt like such a fuck up. I was told something, and told someone who told someone else. I have no idea how it got translated. It's like Chinese whispers, someone is bound to fuck up. I got the relayed message back and it wasn't what was said in the first place.

I'm at a loss at what to do. Last night i had a conversation with someone. It was just wow. Just talked about stuff i never thought i would talk about with person. As soon as he told me one thing, it made my heart sink. It was what i said, i said it without thinking. I don't know if it was the rum talking. I don't know why i didn't talk to this person before i told someone else. I just fucked up. I don't know how I'm going to resolve this. Though i will damn well try. I care about these people too much.

fate. a curious concept.
I've become somewhat irrational as of late. So i do what i normally do, i seeked guidance, i pray. I don't care what your views are. I was kinda freaked out. I just asked for a method to get over my fear of death. The morning after, my budgie had died. Was this a lesson the circle of life? I felt so bad, i blamed myself, i still blame myself. Sorry Micky 3. Miss you buddy.

kjsgfneklwsfjwekl

Oh so what a week. Consider this the introductory paragraph to this weekend. I'll start with a brief summary and then start from the worst and then end with a happy ending that contains a few open ended questions for sequel blogs.

So Wednesday it was Christen's birthday and Friday it was Glen's birthday. They decided to have a combined camping trip at Atikson Dam this weekend. 9 people including me went from Carindale to Atikson Thursday night and came back yesterday afternoon. After which we decided to go see Clash of the Titans. Well only 6 of us.

An hour into the movie something happened with me. I snapped. I had a mid-life crisis while watching Persius slay the Kraken. I at first tried to focus on the movie, it failed. I tried to focus on the fact that i was somewhat a third wheel on a date, that failed, i clenched my fist and head back tears for half a hour. I stormed a bit ahead of the group, Tahni followed me asking if it was the fact that she and Glen were holding hands and such, it wasn't. It was hard to deflect questions. Like i had only met Tahni once or twice prior to the camping trip but, hey camping brings people together i guess. Still my mind was focused on that subject. I really didn't want to disclose that. Glen caught up, jumped on me, gave me a hug and changed the topic, thanks buddy.

We got to Christens, i go into the backyard and tell Tahn and Glen I'm making a call. As soon as i step into the backyard i burst into tears and call Lauren. As you can clearly see I'm the epitome of masculinity. Lauren calmed me down, we talked about fat people, she made me laugh and changed my mind. Christen saw me cry, but Lauren made it seem all better, thanks babe :). I went back inside. Dodged more questions in regards to whether i was crying or not, and went to sleep. I'm not gonna go emo on my friends, i don't want to.

Camping was eventful. It was nice and relaxing. We had one fuckhead there who was not invited but invited himself and tried his hardest to ruin the weekend. He really did come close to it. Things went down, people got drunk. I went commando, told people to focus on a particular person. I spent most of my time talking with Glen and walking around making sure he didn't trip on anything. He kept on thanking me for looking after him, we had a deep and meaningful, i told him he was one of my best friends and this was nothing. The conversation went a little awkward and gay but we remembered said words in the morning. I did the same with Christen.

Saturday we went water-skiing and what ever the equivalent to boat-powered-tubing is. It was fun, it hurt your muscles like a mother-fucker but it was fun. I gave up on skiing. I couldn't handle someones bitching about my apparent lack of effort so i just gave up, showered and crashed in the tent with people. The camping trip wasn't ruined. Like it was good to bond with people. I can now say i have like 4-5 people that i would title best friend. This makes me smile.

My birthday in 15 days. I think i might have a dinner. A very small dinner. With people that can tolerate my family. I'll be doing things separate for uni friends, maybe work peeps. I don't like parties because there are people that are gonna be like, why wasn't I invited. The simple truth is i had to put people ahead of you. It's not the fact that we're not friends but urgh. Birthday parties always lead to some form of drama, so I'm not looking forward to it really.