Relax I'm in a good state of mind so you won't have to hear about my whinging. Yeah those things have/are eating me up but i have things to look forward to to negate being shitty about my life. I've officially started on exam prep. Listened through recordings for most of my contract stuff and have three pages of notes. Hitting the study guide today, text book on the weekend and such.
Granted i did procrastinate for 5 hours yesterday, so far I'm at nearly two hours today but i should be starting soon. I hate a party tonight, Amy's post birthday, i shall be going with Amanda. I look forward to it, not just because this will be the first time I'm going to be drinking in a while but i just need to relax, make lame sexual innuendos and just laugh with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to see the guys at Carindale, most likely spend the night and unwind. Not before i do some reading, or I'll take my text book and force Glen to make me study.
I feel bad because i can't do my Monday shift, but Michael told me not to worry about and just focus on my exam, few people actually work in a job where your bosses actually care about you; I'm lucky enough to be one of those. Alright, Contract learning mode GO!
"This is my story"
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Weakness
This blog is starting at 1.17am. I haven't had a emo blog for a while so i think it's time to let up a little. I hate these blogs, this state of mind, but i need to get it out of my system. As of late, I've only managed to find one word that befits my current efforts in regards to my life; failure.
This law degree is eating me up on the inside. For some reason i feel like a utter failure for giving it up. I've withdrawn from law units next semester and taken up four justice subjects. Regardless that I've been telling people I've ended my legal career has ended, i haven't had the courage to hand in my subject-transfer form into university. I don't know what to do. I know this is mother's dream for me, and i know if i actually forced myself to study i could do it. Though then what, I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the profession and i have no interest in learning about the material. Sometimes i wonder if my laziness to prepare for assessment is just a social adjustment i need to adapt to, the whole university life or if it's some hidden ideology if i fail law units i have no alternative to change courses, though i think forcing myself to fail for subjects and destroy my GPA to acquire a glimpse of courage is a little too melodramatic for me.
I've started training again. I've adapted to the new gym workout. Exercise is good, it helps deal with the stress and gives you a more positive outlook on life. Though after two months off my technique has somewhat deteriorated. I feel like I'm starting again from white belt. Except it's far my frustrating. Your body learns from repetition, after a two month break when you try to do even the simplest move, you know how to do it except your body won't comply. Today was probably the most frustrating training session I've had in a while. We've always placed peoples capabilities into brackets, whose abilities match whose so sparring is even; to see where I've fallen to both upsets and infuriates me.
That topic is back in my mind. I force it out a fair bit but it shouldn't be there in the first place. The human mind is truly a terrible and frightening thing. I don't know maybe it's time to see someone about it you know. This is a topic i don't bring up with friends, what are you supposed to talk about it. It kind of feels like no one understands you or judges you for childish fear. I've had people tell me they think the same but i don't really see anyone failing to cope with it as to the degree i do. It's kind of making me want to be alone. Even though that's kind of what makes it worse. Though i worry that I'll have another breakdown soon and i refuse for my friends to see me in that state of mind. One stage is to read about it and learn about what's eating you up. I laughed at myself. The anxiety, my inability to maintain a healthy relationship; i guess the second step would be to make a declaration? Hi, um well; My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i have a phobia of death and it's sort of fucking me over.
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams.
This law degree is eating me up on the inside. For some reason i feel like a utter failure for giving it up. I've withdrawn from law units next semester and taken up four justice subjects. Regardless that I've been telling people I've ended my legal career has ended, i haven't had the courage to hand in my subject-transfer form into university. I don't know what to do. I know this is mother's dream for me, and i know if i actually forced myself to study i could do it. Though then what, I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the profession and i have no interest in learning about the material. Sometimes i wonder if my laziness to prepare for assessment is just a social adjustment i need to adapt to, the whole university life or if it's some hidden ideology if i fail law units i have no alternative to change courses, though i think forcing myself to fail for subjects and destroy my GPA to acquire a glimpse of courage is a little too melodramatic for me.
I've started training again. I've adapted to the new gym workout. Exercise is good, it helps deal with the stress and gives you a more positive outlook on life. Though after two months off my technique has somewhat deteriorated. I feel like I'm starting again from white belt. Except it's far my frustrating. Your body learns from repetition, after a two month break when you try to do even the simplest move, you know how to do it except your body won't comply. Today was probably the most frustrating training session I've had in a while. We've always placed peoples capabilities into brackets, whose abilities match whose so sparring is even; to see where I've fallen to both upsets and infuriates me.
That topic is back in my mind. I force it out a fair bit but it shouldn't be there in the first place. The human mind is truly a terrible and frightening thing. I don't know maybe it's time to see someone about it you know. This is a topic i don't bring up with friends, what are you supposed to talk about it. It kind of feels like no one understands you or judges you for childish fear. I've had people tell me they think the same but i don't really see anyone failing to cope with it as to the degree i do. It's kind of making me want to be alone. Even though that's kind of what makes it worse. Though i worry that I'll have another breakdown soon and i refuse for my friends to see me in that state of mind. One stage is to read about it and learn about what's eating you up. I laughed at myself. The anxiety, my inability to maintain a healthy relationship; i guess the second step would be to make a declaration? Hi, um well; My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i have a phobia of death and it's sort of fucking me over.
'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Dejan v World
There is a fine line between a inside joke and a low-blow. This line is generally determined by going out of your way to insult someone when that person was under the impression you were friends. I use past tense because i can't really, no wait i don't have the energy to fathom what is going on in your head. Sure let's insult me on my status updates, a lol at the end makes it all better. Now you're tracking conversations I'm having with friends on photos and make a remark on that conversation. Clearly i am having a conversation with this person, not you because i value them more. I deleted your comment; i felt embarrassed for you.
I remember talking to various people about oh how my little friendship groups wouldn't disperse. We would still all hang out and stuff. I just didn't understand or consider the effect that real life would have on peoples personalities. Like i understand i changed as well, no doubt about it.Though i would like to think the fact that i still act the same, have the same discussions with a few people i went to school i haven't changed in too much. I had a great discussion about all of this with Karli, we talked about how people we used to be friends with have made drastic changes and how friendship groups were kind of breaking up.
It seems that when school ended, everyone chose a few people to stick to and retained those friendships. I'm not fussy I'm glad I'm friends with the people that still want to see me. I saw Amanda today, this made me happy. This next part of the blog might sound hypocritical but bare with me. Today i had the 'pleasure' of spending time with someone you lose all contact with then just develop a general disregard for. I mean of someone is going to extent of deleting you of facebook because you weren't a 'good friend' then i see no reason to maintain communication with you.
Though I'm starting to delete people of facebook as well. There not friends, just people i felt like accepting out of obligation because we went to school. Like there are some people who i don't wish to be informed about their drinking habits or shit like that. I'll keep Vag-wax girl purely for shits and giggles because it makes me feel about myself. Guess it's time for another change. Oh i met the sisters new boyfriend today. Not a good first impression, beyond awkward, the fact he's 18 i'm still urgh about, oh well time shall tell.
Oh back to facebook for a second. This website, what ever you consider it just shows me the stupidity of humanity. This girl i know is 17 and just had her first child with a man that looks like hes 23 and yet people are congratulating her on the baby. What are you reinforcing? Good job not wearing a condom and getting yourself pregnant therefore crippling your life, your partners life and the quality of life your child will have and become a bigger detriment to tax payers in the future, you definitely made the right decision there. I guess its comforting when you put it in the context of my fear of death, i shouldn't worry about dieing because the way society is going death will probably soon be considered a godsend.
I remember talking to various people about oh how my little friendship groups wouldn't disperse. We would still all hang out and stuff. I just didn't understand or consider the effect that real life would have on peoples personalities. Like i understand i changed as well, no doubt about it.Though i would like to think the fact that i still act the same, have the same discussions with a few people i went to school i haven't changed in too much. I had a great discussion about all of this with Karli, we talked about how people we used to be friends with have made drastic changes and how friendship groups were kind of breaking up.
It seems that when school ended, everyone chose a few people to stick to and retained those friendships. I'm not fussy I'm glad I'm friends with the people that still want to see me. I saw Amanda today, this made me happy. This next part of the blog might sound hypocritical but bare with me. Today i had the 'pleasure' of spending time with someone you lose all contact with then just develop a general disregard for. I mean of someone is going to extent of deleting you of facebook because you weren't a 'good friend' then i see no reason to maintain communication with you.
Though I'm starting to delete people of facebook as well. There not friends, just people i felt like accepting out of obligation because we went to school. Like there are some people who i don't wish to be informed about their drinking habits or shit like that. I'll keep Vag-wax girl purely for shits and giggles because it makes me feel about myself. Guess it's time for another change. Oh i met the sisters new boyfriend today. Not a good first impression, beyond awkward, the fact he's 18 i'm still urgh about, oh well time shall tell.
Oh back to facebook for a second. This website, what ever you consider it just shows me the stupidity of humanity. This girl i know is 17 and just had her first child with a man that looks like hes 23 and yet people are congratulating her on the baby. What are you reinforcing? Good job not wearing a condom and getting yourself pregnant therefore crippling your life, your partners life and the quality of life your child will have and become a bigger detriment to tax payers in the future, you definitely made the right decision there. I guess its comforting when you put it in the context of my fear of death, i shouldn't worry about dieing because the way society is going death will probably soon be considered a godsend.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Pre-exam relaxation
So i don't have many conversations with my father, i know its a fact. It is one of those I'm not the son he envisioned. I hate generally all sports, I'm not in a steady relationship and don't really have that many career aspirations. Though there are some things we get along. I come home today after uni and we discuss work. Work then turns into a discussion on capitalism when then turns into a debate on communism. I love my family sometimes.
I have to prepare myself for sporting events this year. I have two more state of origins i need to sit through. Yay team, there's nothing i like more than 80 minutes of softcore gay porn masquerading as a sporting event. Then i have to endure the world cup. I don't mind soccer so it won't be as bad. Maybe ill just invite Glen over so dad can watch with us, that will give me a reason to incorporate dad into my life in something he enjoys while i hope maybe i can get out of it. I kid i know it won't, a man can dream non the less.
Today marks the end of my legal career. It's not really the end per say because i have four exams within the next two weeks. Though it was a way to end. My exam today was a oral speech. I was prosecuting a mock drug trial. 10 minutes before we started a girl that was sitting in alerted to the fact that i had listened to the wrong lecture. I died. Then when the other guy started his defense speech, he mentioned a act that i had not researched, i had a stroke. I literally wanted to run away. Thank god that act was irrelevant and our tutor told him to disregard it. By the time it was up to me to make my submission i was shaking, i was sweating like i have never before. I'm not a fan of orals but theres just something about a mock trial that just put me on edge. I got told i passed, to be honest i was fine with that. Something got me. The case there was enough reasonable doubt for for a blind man to in a open sporting field. For some reason the person i was up against did not incorporate any of that reasonable doubt. He over thought it which lead to his downfall. Though I've come to realise that i would probably not be cut out for the legal world. I don't think i could actually ever go to trial. Especially if i found myself in a position of which i was prosecuting a man i thought to be innocent which was the case with this weeks example. Though it was definitely a way finish up my legal year. My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i survived a year of a law degree.
I came home and i napped. Today i think i will just relax. I need it. My body is sore. I'm going to do some reading later. Have a early nights sleep. Work tomorrow then I'm going to go see Amanda. This excites me.
Eurovision was fun. It's always something i look forward to. The favourites in order were Moldova, Cyprus, Belgium, Germany and Greece. I disliked Serbia's, basically for the horrible dancing that reminded me of a Toyota commercial and the fact who i was singing it. I've hated Milan Stankovic since his time of Zvezda Granda which is the Serbian equivalent of Idol.
I've also noticed a social change. In regards to teenagers theres been a swap in stereotypes. Girls today are the whores while guys are the ones clingy to relationship and proudly carry the vagina.
'Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths' - Francois de La Rochefoucauld.
I have to prepare myself for sporting events this year. I have two more state of origins i need to sit through. Yay team, there's nothing i like more than 80 minutes of softcore gay porn masquerading as a sporting event. Then i have to endure the world cup. I don't mind soccer so it won't be as bad. Maybe ill just invite Glen over so dad can watch with us, that will give me a reason to incorporate dad into my life in something he enjoys while i hope maybe i can get out of it. I kid i know it won't, a man can dream non the less.
Today marks the end of my legal career. It's not really the end per say because i have four exams within the next two weeks. Though it was a way to end. My exam today was a oral speech. I was prosecuting a mock drug trial. 10 minutes before we started a girl that was sitting in alerted to the fact that i had listened to the wrong lecture. I died. Then when the other guy started his defense speech, he mentioned a act that i had not researched, i had a stroke. I literally wanted to run away. Thank god that act was irrelevant and our tutor told him to disregard it. By the time it was up to me to make my submission i was shaking, i was sweating like i have never before. I'm not a fan of orals but theres just something about a mock trial that just put me on edge. I got told i passed, to be honest i was fine with that. Something got me. The case there was enough reasonable doubt for for a blind man to in a open sporting field. For some reason the person i was up against did not incorporate any of that reasonable doubt. He over thought it which lead to his downfall. Though I've come to realise that i would probably not be cut out for the legal world. I don't think i could actually ever go to trial. Especially if i found myself in a position of which i was prosecuting a man i thought to be innocent which was the case with this weeks example. Though it was definitely a way finish up my legal year. My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i survived a year of a law degree.
I came home and i napped. Today i think i will just relax. I need it. My body is sore. I'm going to do some reading later. Have a early nights sleep. Work tomorrow then I'm going to go see Amanda. This excites me.
Eurovision was fun. It's always something i look forward to. The favourites in order were Moldova, Cyprus, Belgium, Germany and Greece. I disliked Serbia's, basically for the horrible dancing that reminded me of a Toyota commercial and the fact who i was singing it. I've hated Milan Stankovic since his time of Zvezda Granda which is the Serbian equivalent of Idol.
I've also noticed a social change. In regards to teenagers theres been a swap in stereotypes. Girls today are the whores while guys are the ones clingy to relationship and proudly carry the vagina.
'Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths' - Francois de La Rochefoucauld.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Testing ones values
This is not going to be a happy blog. So be forewarned. Uni is still uni so i won't restate why it disappoints me. Yesterday i was roped into watching State of Origin because Glen wanted to watch it. It was 80 minutes of guys tackling each other into every sexual position humanly possible. I giggled and pointed out when ever two people went ass to mouth, people lol'd at the realisation. I did not enjoy the game, and was horrified when i found out i have to sit through two more.
Yesterday a friend came home drunk. It's not unusual, he drinks a fair bit. Though I'm accustomed to his happy 'wants to have sex with anything in site' drunk, not the arsehole drunk. I have heard the stories, so in a sense i should have been prepared. He for some reason was angry at everything and anything and decided he was going to drive home intoxicated. From what i heard he had consumed 20+ beers or something like that. I'm use to being the drunk mediator and went to go stop him. Bad call Dejan. Within 3 seconds i was being abused and told to go fuck off. I don't know what happened, i walked away being comfortable with the fact me might go and die. I've dealt with my share of drunks but never with one with absolutely no regard for other people. I felt like absolute shit. Glen commended me on giving it a go. It appears that others are used to this sort of behaviour; i was not. I release there are some friends that i would have stuck around for if the same situation occurred, Glen commented he would slash my tyres if i ever attempted to drive home drunk, i stated i would beat him unconscious if he ever did. I felt somewhat better. This was a small event, that i won't bring up, but my opinion of the said individual has changed a fair bit. I wont mention the events of last night, because i don't want to cause some unnecessary tension with friends, but the same situation repeats itself I'll know not to go and try to help.
I think the silver lining was two friends that were supposed to have tension between them were able to have a conversation, this made me smile. I like friends that are able to get over their differences.
Curse you Amanda for not making yourself available in my hour of need. I shake my fist at you, well i will after i finish typing. I'm tired. I was woken at 5.30 to say by to friends. Then again at 6.45 to have breakfast with Glen. I then resumed my slumber but it's never comfortable on a friends couch. I woke up at 10, cleaned the living room and left. Now to properly start my Fundamentals of Criminal Law assignment.
'Here i am again. And the familiarity feels more uncomfortable than comfortable. It's time to make a change. And, now, I have what we need to make it'. - Jan Denise.
Yesterday a friend came home drunk. It's not unusual, he drinks a fair bit. Though I'm accustomed to his happy 'wants to have sex with anything in site' drunk, not the arsehole drunk. I have heard the stories, so in a sense i should have been prepared. He for some reason was angry at everything and anything and decided he was going to drive home intoxicated. From what i heard he had consumed 20+ beers or something like that. I'm use to being the drunk mediator and went to go stop him. Bad call Dejan. Within 3 seconds i was being abused and told to go fuck off. I don't know what happened, i walked away being comfortable with the fact me might go and die. I've dealt with my share of drunks but never with one with absolutely no regard for other people. I felt like absolute shit. Glen commended me on giving it a go. It appears that others are used to this sort of behaviour; i was not. I release there are some friends that i would have stuck around for if the same situation occurred, Glen commented he would slash my tyres if i ever attempted to drive home drunk, i stated i would beat him unconscious if he ever did. I felt somewhat better. This was a small event, that i won't bring up, but my opinion of the said individual has changed a fair bit. I wont mention the events of last night, because i don't want to cause some unnecessary tension with friends, but the same situation repeats itself I'll know not to go and try to help.
I think the silver lining was two friends that were supposed to have tension between them were able to have a conversation, this made me smile. I like friends that are able to get over their differences.
Curse you Amanda for not making yourself available in my hour of need. I shake my fist at you, well i will after i finish typing. I'm tired. I was woken at 5.30 to say by to friends. Then again at 6.45 to have breakfast with Glen. I then resumed my slumber but it's never comfortable on a friends couch. I woke up at 10, cleaned the living room and left. Now to properly start my Fundamentals of Criminal Law assignment.
'Here i am again. And the familiarity feels more uncomfortable than comfortable. It's time to make a change. And, now, I have what we need to make it'. - Jan Denise.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Live for right now
Where to begin. That's the questions. I still feel at peace, though i know in about two weeks my life will be pulled senselessly in all directions.
I'll start with university. It makes me nauseous, it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about exams and all that. So I've come to realise that my dream working for ASIO as an intelligence officer is probably anything but a short lived fantasy. There are far to many complications for it to be the post-university career/job. Let's reiterate how i came to this decision. First it came as a conversation with Glen. We think the same so he pointed out all the flaws in my plan that my vagina wouldn't let me to come to terms with. ASIO intelligence agents require a year of training in Canberra. As pointed out in previous blogs there is the whole financial issue and the fact that i could not put a career above my friends and family. Silly female reproductive organs. Morally i guess i have good character, that or i lack a spine to do what would be best for me; either way. Glen also pointed out the fact that after that training period i would not be guaranteed the job, this is true; based on my performance i could be even given a job, have my training extended if they were unsure or basically told to go home and wait a period of two years before i can reapply. My lack of self-confidence aside, if i were to be given the job there is no guarantee that i would be allowed to move back to Brisbane, what i didn't realise after reading the job info is that analyst aren't required to move around but it doesn't say where we're allowed to live. If Burn Notice has taught me anything is that your mother can be a valuable asset in the world of intelligence and espionage. So basically I'm back to square one of the university degree/career mind map. Also the stress of university has actually made me put on weight. Relax I'm not pregnant fat (even though that seems to be all the rage with people in my life) I've just put on about 2-3 kilos from could be titled as stress-relieving-procrastination snacks. Food tastes so much better if you're procrastinating to eat it.
This part goes an open invitation. This Thursday i shall be accompanying Karli Fletcher in saving the world. In a sense that's what we're doing, we're gonna be spending an evening packing what i understand to be 'safe-sex' packets (condoms and such) for universities. I consider this to be a viable contribution to society because I'd like to consider these packs as a barrier that going to prevent a 'God i need to get laid, I'm going to bang that fat girl with no life expectations' situations procreation. That and STI's and what not. Also Saturday Josh Thomas and Claire Hooper who hence forth will be known as 'Wife #1' are doing a free comedy thing, if you're interested shoot me a text or facebook. You can watch me get arrested for attempted kidnapping. Haha i kid you, I'm a ninja, I'll fuck shit up.
In relative news, it appears that I'll be going to that place again. It scares me, i don't particularly enjoy hospitals, especially it's because it's an opportunity for me to get criticized and judged. I don't like it because i have to go because I'm paranoid. Every time I'm sick or something along those lines I think the worst and expect a death sentence, two people have offered to accompany me which pretty much means the world. I just need to man up a little and call the place and find out what's the most opportune time to get a hasty appointment.
This weekend was something different. Me and Glen were alone so we decided to tackle as many things as possible. You have those friends that you can just tell what's on their minds. It's a great thing i believe, unless you're completely off the ball. I don't think i was, it just means we didn't have a lot to talk about so there was a few gaps of silence. He can tell when I'm upset and he's somewhat adjusting to me. I laugh out loud every time a song by Eminem comes on and without hesitation he changes it because he's grown accustom to my hatred for the guy, regardless he may like those songs. Same thing with the window in his car, if I'm in the back he'll apologise for having it down and roll it back up, he knows i feel bad so i don't say anything about it which is what makes it all that much more entertaining. I'm starting to figure out what ticks him off, i can generally tell when hes angry, Glen has a language of blank stares and grunts. I know he doesn't enjoy driving alone so i offer company, even if it's a 10 minute drive. I think he's starting to pick up on it, he was asked to pick up Sara and Christen from a party. He didn't want to, because it's illegal for him to drive with passengers past midnight, he was having engine trouble (which resulted in a temporary break down) and it's like a 30 minute drive each way.
He paused when i declared i was coming with him, like hell i would let a friend drive to the north side with the possibility of being stranded if his car broke down. We got to the party, i got to see a friend i haven't seen in a while which made the trip even more worthwhile, even though i did develop a slight case of frostbite. Breakdown aside we got home and i passed out on the couch. Oh almost forgot, i got to go to Poole family dinner for Adrian's birthday party. Glen was hesitant to go, i knew wanted to go but didn't want to have to deal with the family, so i hinted i was willing to accompany him and he made it appear like it was going to be a pop in thing. We spent well over a hour there. It was amusing, I'm slowly meeting the family, extended family as well. I got interrogated. Not in negative manor, but well think about it to be similar to the bringing a potential date home. My parent's did it to all my friends, what's your name, what are your parents like, what are you doing with yourself, basically are you someone i want my child associating with. My parents did it to all my friends, i have to allow them because if they don't i have no doubt my parent's will someone acquire background checks on everyone i associate with. I'm quite positive about my first impression, Glen covered me where my responses fell short. I learnt the Poole family has a genetic stubbornness, it took a fair amount of determination to get Glen's grandad to take my seat. Glen's mother also gave me a hug, this made me happy.
I'm still trying to figure Adrian out. I know he likes me, i like him. I made him an epic birthday card. Basically it entails him as a half dinosaur destroying things with no reproductive organs but a lot of many chest hair to compensate. I included about 10 or so inside jokes into it, it was quite amusing. I came over yesterday and saw that Adrian had put it on the fridge. I'm going to try and get him to speak more, he's not the most social person, he asked permission if he could come with me and Glen to see Nightmare on Elm Street, i was shocked that he thought we would say no. By the way, don't see it. I would like to thank Glen for putting me on edge and to all those girls in the cinema who kept on screaming which pretty much made me drop balls; that's probably as elegant as i can put it. First time me and Glen have hung out, aside from the motorbike chronicles, was definitely different but fun non the less. Most entertaining thing is probably when Glen's working on the car and i just stand there nodding like i understand everything, cause I'm know as much about cars as we'll, I'll google someone who knows a lot about cars then edit this post.
Work was something. I was frustrated and i really didn't want to be there. I checked the roster and it showed that all my Monday shifts for the month were given to someone else. I dunno, i was upset and angry. I spent the day with Natalie trying to figure out what i was doing wrong that would result in my hours being cut. It was a day of self-loathing and feeling shitty. Until i finally sucked it up and asked Pete about it. It turns out it was all a computer error; i was so angry with myself. I was expecting a, 'You don't talk to customers enough or your sale rate isn't good enough'. I spent the day preparing responses to all these possible reasons to why my hours have been cut. Turns out it was all a computer error, fuck my life.
This blog does have on perk. Last blog i wrote about an situation, well an event that lead to a situation that made me feel quite shitty. The initial plan was to just vent it out and get over it like a real man. Though what i was unaware was the person i spoke off actually read my blog and she actually talked to me about it. Initially i was shocked, but relieved non the less. I can't confront people about these kind of things and i was just happy when she shot me an email about it. Like I'm just ecstatic that she still wants to be friends and it's looking like things will probably get sorted out soon.
So now I'm going to go eat some dinner, contemplate study and pass out and prepare for work tomorrow. Don't get pregnant folks. Oh Sian, the fact that you compared the statement about how bad you think your life was in regards people in third world countries made my day yesterday, i enjoy when people look at the bigger picture.
'Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can.' - Jimmy Eat World.
I'll start with university. It makes me nauseous, it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about exams and all that. So I've come to realise that my dream working for ASIO as an intelligence officer is probably anything but a short lived fantasy. There are far to many complications for it to be the post-university career/job. Let's reiterate how i came to this decision. First it came as a conversation with Glen. We think the same so he pointed out all the flaws in my plan that my vagina wouldn't let me to come to terms with. ASIO intelligence agents require a year of training in Canberra. As pointed out in previous blogs there is the whole financial issue and the fact that i could not put a career above my friends and family. Silly female reproductive organs. Morally i guess i have good character, that or i lack a spine to do what would be best for me; either way. Glen also pointed out the fact that after that training period i would not be guaranteed the job, this is true; based on my performance i could be even given a job, have my training extended if they were unsure or basically told to go home and wait a period of two years before i can reapply. My lack of self-confidence aside, if i were to be given the job there is no guarantee that i would be allowed to move back to Brisbane, what i didn't realise after reading the job info is that analyst aren't required to move around but it doesn't say where we're allowed to live. If Burn Notice has taught me anything is that your mother can be a valuable asset in the world of intelligence and espionage. So basically I'm back to square one of the university degree/career mind map. Also the stress of university has actually made me put on weight. Relax I'm not pregnant fat (even though that seems to be all the rage with people in my life) I've just put on about 2-3 kilos from could be titled as stress-relieving-procrastination snacks. Food tastes so much better if you're procrastinating to eat it.
This part goes an open invitation. This Thursday i shall be accompanying Karli Fletcher in saving the world. In a sense that's what we're doing, we're gonna be spending an evening packing what i understand to be 'safe-sex' packets (condoms and such) for universities. I consider this to be a viable contribution to society because I'd like to consider these packs as a barrier that going to prevent a 'God i need to get laid, I'm going to bang that fat girl with no life expectations' situations procreation. That and STI's and what not. Also Saturday Josh Thomas and Claire Hooper who hence forth will be known as 'Wife #1' are doing a free comedy thing, if you're interested shoot me a text or facebook. You can watch me get arrested for attempted kidnapping. Haha i kid you, I'm a ninja, I'll fuck shit up.
In relative news, it appears that I'll be going to that place again. It scares me, i don't particularly enjoy hospitals, especially it's because it's an opportunity for me to get criticized and judged. I don't like it because i have to go because I'm paranoid. Every time I'm sick or something along those lines I think the worst and expect a death sentence, two people have offered to accompany me which pretty much means the world. I just need to man up a little and call the place and find out what's the most opportune time to get a hasty appointment.
This weekend was something different. Me and Glen were alone so we decided to tackle as many things as possible. You have those friends that you can just tell what's on their minds. It's a great thing i believe, unless you're completely off the ball. I don't think i was, it just means we didn't have a lot to talk about so there was a few gaps of silence. He can tell when I'm upset and he's somewhat adjusting to me. I laugh out loud every time a song by Eminem comes on and without hesitation he changes it because he's grown accustom to my hatred for the guy, regardless he may like those songs. Same thing with the window in his car, if I'm in the back he'll apologise for having it down and roll it back up, he knows i feel bad so i don't say anything about it which is what makes it all that much more entertaining. I'm starting to figure out what ticks him off, i can generally tell when hes angry, Glen has a language of blank stares and grunts. I know he doesn't enjoy driving alone so i offer company, even if it's a 10 minute drive. I think he's starting to pick up on it, he was asked to pick up Sara and Christen from a party. He didn't want to, because it's illegal for him to drive with passengers past midnight, he was having engine trouble (which resulted in a temporary break down) and it's like a 30 minute drive each way.
He paused when i declared i was coming with him, like hell i would let a friend drive to the north side with the possibility of being stranded if his car broke down. We got to the party, i got to see a friend i haven't seen in a while which made the trip even more worthwhile, even though i did develop a slight case of frostbite. Breakdown aside we got home and i passed out on the couch. Oh almost forgot, i got to go to Poole family dinner for Adrian's birthday party. Glen was hesitant to go, i knew wanted to go but didn't want to have to deal with the family, so i hinted i was willing to accompany him and he made it appear like it was going to be a pop in thing. We spent well over a hour there. It was amusing, I'm slowly meeting the family, extended family as well. I got interrogated. Not in negative manor, but well think about it to be similar to the bringing a potential date home. My parent's did it to all my friends, what's your name, what are your parents like, what are you doing with yourself, basically are you someone i want my child associating with. My parents did it to all my friends, i have to allow them because if they don't i have no doubt my parent's will someone acquire background checks on everyone i associate with. I'm quite positive about my first impression, Glen covered me where my responses fell short. I learnt the Poole family has a genetic stubbornness, it took a fair amount of determination to get Glen's grandad to take my seat. Glen's mother also gave me a hug, this made me happy.
I'm still trying to figure Adrian out. I know he likes me, i like him. I made him an epic birthday card. Basically it entails him as a half dinosaur destroying things with no reproductive organs but a lot of many chest hair to compensate. I included about 10 or so inside jokes into it, it was quite amusing. I came over yesterday and saw that Adrian had put it on the fridge. I'm going to try and get him to speak more, he's not the most social person, he asked permission if he could come with me and Glen to see Nightmare on Elm Street, i was shocked that he thought we would say no. By the way, don't see it. I would like to thank Glen for putting me on edge and to all those girls in the cinema who kept on screaming which pretty much made me drop balls; that's probably as elegant as i can put it. First time me and Glen have hung out, aside from the motorbike chronicles, was definitely different but fun non the less. Most entertaining thing is probably when Glen's working on the car and i just stand there nodding like i understand everything, cause I'm know as much about cars as we'll, I'll google someone who knows a lot about cars then edit this post.
Work was something. I was frustrated and i really didn't want to be there. I checked the roster and it showed that all my Monday shifts for the month were given to someone else. I dunno, i was upset and angry. I spent the day with Natalie trying to figure out what i was doing wrong that would result in my hours being cut. It was a day of self-loathing and feeling shitty. Until i finally sucked it up and asked Pete about it. It turns out it was all a computer error; i was so angry with myself. I was expecting a, 'You don't talk to customers enough or your sale rate isn't good enough'. I spent the day preparing responses to all these possible reasons to why my hours have been cut. Turns out it was all a computer error, fuck my life.
This blog does have on perk. Last blog i wrote about an situation, well an event that lead to a situation that made me feel quite shitty. The initial plan was to just vent it out and get over it like a real man. Though what i was unaware was the person i spoke off actually read my blog and she actually talked to me about it. Initially i was shocked, but relieved non the less. I can't confront people about these kind of things and i was just happy when she shot me an email about it. Like I'm just ecstatic that she still wants to be friends and it's looking like things will probably get sorted out soon.
So now I'm going to go eat some dinner, contemplate study and pass out and prepare for work tomorrow. Don't get pregnant folks. Oh Sian, the fact that you compared the statement about how bad you think your life was in regards people in third world countries made my day yesterday, i enjoy when people look at the bigger picture.
'Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can.' - Jimmy Eat World.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Big thoughts for feeble Dejan
As of late I've been thinking a lot. These thoughts quite frankly the scare me shitless. For the past two weeks or so I've been investigating careers. Every law tutorial makes me realise how much i hate it, and how long it would have taken me to understand the material in the workbook if there wasn't a tutor spoon feeding me. I feel like the illiterate child that sits in the corner of daycare and just eats play-doh and dirt.
The intelligence community is where i want to go. My mind's saying, do it, do it, do it, do it. My penis is saying, think if all the bitches that you'll get in a suit and gun. Finally my heart's just kind of shattering into tiny little pieces. The one thing that worries me is deployment. ASIO and ASIS officers have their training in Canberra. I assume that's generally where most of the jobs are going to be. This is what is worrying me. Sure I'd be fine if i could force all my friends to move down. The notion of a career scares me. I know it's stupid and childish but it does. It's like when I graduated high school. The thought of the real word scared me senseless. Quite frankly i wouldn't go back but now I'm faced with an even bigger and more horrifying prospect. Graduating university.
If i transfer into my Justice degree that means i have the ability to graduate university at the end of 2011 or mid 2012 depending on what i want to do. You might say, 'But silly Dejan that's over a year away'. Though that's nothing. I mean I've already lived nearly 20 years of my life and it only feels like i started high school yesterday and that was a 5 year long process. University feels like something i decided to do after breakfast because i was bored. I know that year will come by sooner than anything. If I'm serious about my career in a Government Intelligence Agency i would have to get my P's preferably by the end of the year, find a mentor and develop connections within the industry by mid 2011 and be able to fluently write and read Serbian by the end of 2011 while maintaining a GPA of 5.5 or higher.
It's a lot to do but i believe i can do it. The only thing is i still have absolutely no god damn idea if that's where i want to be indefinitely. Also I'm not going to bullshit the readers of this blog. My friends are 80% of the reason i don't want to go. It took me a full year to find a group of friends that i consider to be as strong as the friendship group i had at school. To be quite frank, my ties with high school friends are ending faster that Kyle Sandilands career. I use this analogy because he seems to pop back on the TV every now and then. I can say i only have two friends of whom i went to school with that actually make contact with me and ask to hang out. One friend is in her final year of her nursing degree and the other friend is struggling chronic illnesses. I guess it's the quality of their friendships that raise the bar for others and that could be it.
My out of school are friends are just amazing. Lauren as I've blogged about before i could rely on anything. I mean she drove to my house to give me a brownie and a hug because i was feeling like crap. The 'gang' as i reefer to them are just amazing. The want to see me on a weekly basis which is just amazing. It's been a while since i could unload things onto other people. As of late I've really seemed to manage to piss people off regardless of what we talked about. So Wednesday night i went to Christen's house just to unwind. Later that night me and Glen went for a walk and had a deep and meaningful. That kids pretty epic. Sometimes it's just nice to get some reassurance. Not the i hate my life - self-loathing reassurance but the look on the bright side, I'll be here for you type. So i got things sorted out, we headed back and i forced him to talk about what was bugging him. We got home and ate and watched a DVD.
For the past 3 months + I've been going there every Friday, except for tonight because my mother has been bugging me to do uni work. I've done some, I've started summarising my mock case for my Fundamentals of Criminal Law tutorial prac. Though it just feels weird. I want to go over and talk with my friends but i need to focus on this. I know because i had to do a self-reflection for an assignment and i know when I'm overwhelmed with something i don't want to do i just pretend it doesn't exist till a few days before it's due. Then i argue with myself that i have plenty of time to do it. Thus is the life of Dejan.
I bought a book. Probably the best book in all of existence. Well in my perspective. It's called 'I hope they serve beer in hell' by Tucker Max. It's about a guy who's a complete and utter asshole on top of finishing a law degree but he is most likely one of the most literate people i have ever heard off. His writing style and use of satire actually excite me to read. The book is all short stories. I bought it over on Wednesday and me Sara, Jono and Luke had a field day with it. I shall continue reading it tonight.
So now I'm going to go back to reading statutes and laws, watch some anime and read while doing the thing i do best but i hate doing the most. Contemplating the reason for my existence.
'I don't ask for much, truth be told I'd settle for a life less frightening.' - Rise Against.
The intelligence community is where i want to go. My mind's saying, do it, do it, do it, do it. My penis is saying, think if all the bitches that you'll get in a suit and gun. Finally my heart's just kind of shattering into tiny little pieces. The one thing that worries me is deployment. ASIO and ASIS officers have their training in Canberra. I assume that's generally where most of the jobs are going to be. This is what is worrying me. Sure I'd be fine if i could force all my friends to move down. The notion of a career scares me. I know it's stupid and childish but it does. It's like when I graduated high school. The thought of the real word scared me senseless. Quite frankly i wouldn't go back but now I'm faced with an even bigger and more horrifying prospect. Graduating university.
If i transfer into my Justice degree that means i have the ability to graduate university at the end of 2011 or mid 2012 depending on what i want to do. You might say, 'But silly Dejan that's over a year away'. Though that's nothing. I mean I've already lived nearly 20 years of my life and it only feels like i started high school yesterday and that was a 5 year long process. University feels like something i decided to do after breakfast because i was bored. I know that year will come by sooner than anything. If I'm serious about my career in a Government Intelligence Agency i would have to get my P's preferably by the end of the year, find a mentor and develop connections within the industry by mid 2011 and be able to fluently write and read Serbian by the end of 2011 while maintaining a GPA of 5.5 or higher.
It's a lot to do but i believe i can do it. The only thing is i still have absolutely no god damn idea if that's where i want to be indefinitely. Also I'm not going to bullshit the readers of this blog. My friends are 80% of the reason i don't want to go. It took me a full year to find a group of friends that i consider to be as strong as the friendship group i had at school. To be quite frank, my ties with high school friends are ending faster that Kyle Sandilands career. I use this analogy because he seems to pop back on the TV every now and then. I can say i only have two friends of whom i went to school with that actually make contact with me and ask to hang out. One friend is in her final year of her nursing degree and the other friend is struggling chronic illnesses. I guess it's the quality of their friendships that raise the bar for others and that could be it.
My out of school are friends are just amazing. Lauren as I've blogged about before i could rely on anything. I mean she drove to my house to give me a brownie and a hug because i was feeling like crap. The 'gang' as i reefer to them are just amazing. The want to see me on a weekly basis which is just amazing. It's been a while since i could unload things onto other people. As of late I've really seemed to manage to piss people off regardless of what we talked about. So Wednesday night i went to Christen's house just to unwind. Later that night me and Glen went for a walk and had a deep and meaningful. That kids pretty epic. Sometimes it's just nice to get some reassurance. Not the i hate my life - self-loathing reassurance but the look on the bright side, I'll be here for you type. So i got things sorted out, we headed back and i forced him to talk about what was bugging him. We got home and ate and watched a DVD.
For the past 3 months + I've been going there every Friday, except for tonight because my mother has been bugging me to do uni work. I've done some, I've started summarising my mock case for my Fundamentals of Criminal Law tutorial prac. Though it just feels weird. I want to go over and talk with my friends but i need to focus on this. I know because i had to do a self-reflection for an assignment and i know when I'm overwhelmed with something i don't want to do i just pretend it doesn't exist till a few days before it's due. Then i argue with myself that i have plenty of time to do it. Thus is the life of Dejan.
Relationships change people. It's irrefutable. Sometimes its manageable or it actually does some good, i can only really think of she situations. People reading this blog, Karli you're one of them. I lose friends when they get into relationships. I know I've lost two friends. Well once really but urgh. She gave me the whole, it won't change we'll still be BFFL's speech. Next i hear it's group movie dates and birthday parties that turn out to me couple dates. I refuse to get into a relationship to salvage a friendship. Quite frankly the novelty of relationships is wearing somewhat thin as of late, I'm just going to take it as it comes, if you chose to ignore me for a relationship it's your call and i won't judge you for it, i won't talk to you as much but hey.
Last night i also had a blast from my past. A friend that I've been on-again-off-again best friends since grade 5. We went through about 11 months of non-talking terms after he got into a relationship, actually it's been over a year. I'm not sure where it's heading but i hope somewhere pleasant.
I bought a book. Probably the best book in all of existence. Well in my perspective. It's called 'I hope they serve beer in hell' by Tucker Max. It's about a guy who's a complete and utter asshole on top of finishing a law degree but he is most likely one of the most literate people i have ever heard off. His writing style and use of satire actually excite me to read. The book is all short stories. I bought it over on Wednesday and me Sara, Jono and Luke had a field day with it. I shall continue reading it tonight.
So now I'm going to go back to reading statutes and laws, watch some anime and read while doing the thing i do best but i hate doing the most. Contemplating the reason for my existence.
'I don't ask for much, truth be told I'd settle for a life less frightening.' - Rise Against.
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