The intelligence community is where i want to go. My mind's saying, do it, do it, do it, do it. My penis is saying, think if all the bitches that you'll get in a suit and gun. Finally my heart's just kind of shattering into tiny little pieces. The one thing that worries me is deployment. ASIO and ASIS officers have their training in Canberra. I assume that's generally where most of the jobs are going to be. This is what is worrying me. Sure I'd be fine if i could force all my friends to move down. The notion of a career scares me. I know it's stupid and childish but it does. It's like when I graduated high school. The thought of the real word scared me senseless. Quite frankly i wouldn't go back but now I'm faced with an even bigger and more horrifying prospect. Graduating university.
If i transfer into my Justice degree that means i have the ability to graduate university at the end of 2011 or mid 2012 depending on what i want to do. You might say, 'But silly Dejan that's over a year away'. Though that's nothing. I mean I've already lived nearly 20 years of my life and it only feels like i started high school yesterday and that was a 5 year long process. University feels like something i decided to do after breakfast because i was bored. I know that year will come by sooner than anything. If I'm serious about my career in a Government Intelligence Agency i would have to get my P's preferably by the end of the year, find a mentor and develop connections within the industry by mid 2011 and be able to fluently write and read Serbian by the end of 2011 while maintaining a GPA of 5.5 or higher.
It's a lot to do but i believe i can do it. The only thing is i still have absolutely no god damn idea if that's where i want to be indefinitely. Also I'm not going to bullshit the readers of this blog. My friends are 80% of the reason i don't want to go. It took me a full year to find a group of friends that i consider to be as strong as the friendship group i had at school. To be quite frank, my ties with high school friends are ending faster that Kyle Sandilands career. I use this analogy because he seems to pop back on the TV every now and then. I can say i only have two friends of whom i went to school with that actually make contact with me and ask to hang out. One friend is in her final year of her nursing degree and the other friend is struggling chronic illnesses. I guess it's the quality of their friendships that raise the bar for others and that could be it.
My out of school are friends are just amazing. Lauren as I've blogged about before i could rely on anything. I mean she drove to my house to give me a brownie and a hug because i was feeling like crap. The 'gang' as i reefer to them are just amazing. The want to see me on a weekly basis which is just amazing. It's been a while since i could unload things onto other people. As of late I've really seemed to manage to piss people off regardless of what we talked about. So Wednesday night i went to Christen's house just to unwind. Later that night me and Glen went for a walk and had a deep and meaningful. That kids pretty epic. Sometimes it's just nice to get some reassurance. Not the i hate my life - self-loathing reassurance but the look on the bright side, I'll be here for you type. So i got things sorted out, we headed back and i forced him to talk about what was bugging him. We got home and ate and watched a DVD.
For the past 3 months + I've been going there every Friday, except for tonight because my mother has been bugging me to do uni work. I've done some, I've started summarising my mock case for my Fundamentals of Criminal Law tutorial prac. Though it just feels weird. I want to go over and talk with my friends but i need to focus on this. I know because i had to do a self-reflection for an assignment and i know when I'm overwhelmed with something i don't want to do i just pretend it doesn't exist till a few days before it's due. Then i argue with myself that i have plenty of time to do it. Thus is the life of Dejan.
Relationships change people. It's irrefutable. Sometimes its manageable or it actually does some good, i can only really think of she situations. People reading this blog, Karli you're one of them. I lose friends when they get into relationships. I know I've lost two friends. Well once really but urgh. She gave me the whole, it won't change we'll still be BFFL's speech. Next i hear it's group movie dates and birthday parties that turn out to me couple dates. I refuse to get into a relationship to salvage a friendship. Quite frankly the novelty of relationships is wearing somewhat thin as of late, I'm just going to take it as it comes, if you chose to ignore me for a relationship it's your call and i won't judge you for it, i won't talk to you as much but hey.
Last night i also had a blast from my past. A friend that I've been on-again-off-again best friends since grade 5. We went through about 11 months of non-talking terms after he got into a relationship, actually it's been over a year. I'm not sure where it's heading but i hope somewhere pleasant.
I bought a book. Probably the best book in all of existence. Well in my perspective. It's called 'I hope they serve beer in hell' by Tucker Max. It's about a guy who's a complete and utter asshole on top of finishing a law degree but he is most likely one of the most literate people i have ever heard off. His writing style and use of satire actually excite me to read. The book is all short stories. I bought it over on Wednesday and me Sara, Jono and Luke had a field day with it. I shall continue reading it tonight.
So now I'm going to go back to reading statutes and laws, watch some anime and read while doing the thing i do best but i hate doing the most. Contemplating the reason for my existence.
'I don't ask for much, truth be told I'd settle for a life less frightening.' - Rise Against.
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