To God; As Promised

So for the past week, I've been beyond freaking out.
The life of Dejan was surely getting irrational and overwhelming.
For those of you that i didn't inform our tale begins a long time ago. Where a young pale boy thought that the fact that dragons didn't exist was the most heartbreaking and depressing thing in his life, until he found that he might have had a one night stand with someone that was HIV+.

I didn't intend on writing this blog, but last night while praying, i told god i would, as some means of salvaging my life. This was when i broke down. I cried like a 5 year old girl realising that Santa was nothing more than her father trying to inspire hope, but hope was the one thing that was lacking in my life.

The following morning, along with my trusted steed made haste to the Sexual Health and HIV clinic in the city, and i got tested. Waiting was indescribable, i couldn't eat that day. I felt ashamed, especially running into someone i knew. Em did her best to cheer me up, it was welcomed. Thank you Sex-a-holics anonymous sign for making our day, that and the transgender lady that looked like cross-dresser from Little Britain USA.

The questions themselves were painful enough than the actually examination. I had to list my recent sexual partners, what i did with each of them and when. I was scared shitless, beyond that even. I froze, i knew how many sexual partners I've had, though for some reason i could not for the love of me think of when i did them and in which order. Never had i felt so, degraded?

The past week i have been freaking out, Thank you Karli and Lauren for being on call. Lauren without you consistently distracting me i don't know how i would've managed. I was honestly going crazy, i was consistently examining myself in case of lumps or bumps, i would freak out every time i went to the bathroom cause if you frequent the bathroom more than usual, its a sign of HIV. I would freak out if any part of me was remotely itchy or sore, or just simply looked different to what it should be. I visited so many sites in attempts to calm my nerves and read about my statistical changes of getting infected. Even my taste in music changed, i went from robust cheery/punk to the likes of The Script and John Mayer. Last night i couldn't sleep, this morning was far worse, i didn't have the courage to make the call, to some extent i was preparing myself for living with HIV.

Luckily and officially i am still HIV-. I've never been more content with life that right now. I've come to realise that some people just can't comfort you, while others excel. I've come to realise a few things, for the next while I'm gonna be celibate, more or less. I can't see myself consummating anytime in the near future. I'm also sick of being in this house, i hate that i didn't do anything for Halloween aside from study and procrastinate. So this is my blog to God, make of it what you will, i don't care if you believe or not, but i do and will continue to.

This experience has changed me, like I'm not gonna take life for granted anymore. I'm still that kid in high school that thought STD's were something that would never happen to him, that's still incredibly self couscous and still afraid of the dark, but I've grown up since then. It's time to resume life, listen to the words of John Mayer and make the most out of it.

Amen.