Longest day in existence

That one day where nothing seems to be going right and it's just dragging on forever. Yeah one of those days. Blogspot you have defiantly been a roller coaster. For the first time in nearly two years i had thought about cancelling you.

Blogspot was a median, my scapegoat when something was on my mind but i didn't want to trouble other people with. A few close friends and a lot of randoms in Asia and east Europe would read. Today was an utter fuck up. A dear friend read a blog, realised i had mentioned her and went off at me. In a sense, i acknowledge that i had fucked up but that blog was just something i needed to vent about because i didn't want to bitch to people about it. In a sense I'm glad i blogged about it because i had mistake facts and we'll discussing it would've been a bigger disaster then the blog itself. Though I've known this person since grade 9 so i have no doubt our friendship will overcome this.

Though I've spent the day nauseated, it's that feeling where you know this is a situation where you best let things work themselves out but you're too involved and feel obligated to resolve it right away. As much of an emotional wreck i was today i did my best not to do anything.

I'm still debating what to do with blogspot. Lauren said i should just invest in a diary cause there is a lesser chance of offending people. Privatisation has also been recommended. I was intending on deleting blogspot today because i thought it would make the situation go away. Though i went through my blogs to find a certain picture i posted and found myself sifting through early 2009 and prior. I became even more emotional. I found notes from the day i made my first day of uni friends, my aspirations in the new year, where i met a certain group of friends. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to destroy it, because as much as i may hate it, this is a part of me, this blog embodies what i have accomplished over the past two years.

Today i have started a new journey. Tumblr. From the 30 people following this blog i would probably only give the link to about 7 of you just because i think you get why i blog. Tumblr is the same, i don't think I'll ever be as personal as i am in this, though i think the pictures and the videos help inspire me, or make me laugh. I really enjoy the latest one i posted, the harry potter-inception cross over, it really did brighten up my day.

I've come to realise not naming someone still offends them. I think the biggest shock is when someone reads your blogs and you have no idea they are. I guess I'll attempt to stress the fact that these are my thoughts, not whinges.

It's now 12:51. I have to give a speech in about 18 hours to my tute group, better suck it up and get started. If you have tumblr let me know and I'll probably add you.
P.s I'm sorry, you know who you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMTHDbFyc3c&feature=fvst

Life is nothing more than an inconsiderate bitch with rampart mood swings that affect everyone. Life has been going downhill for a while, especially in the part week. Somethings i managed to get off my chest talking to friends but other things i just gripped closer and hid away from the world. Sunday for some reason felt like the longest day in existence, i felt like i accomplished nothing. I spent 2 hours on public transport to spend a hour and a half at a friends house. I came home and just raged.

I'm over the things mentioned in the previous blog. I'm come to realise you really can't depend on spontaneous emotional moments because of the overwhelming possibility they will leave you crippled. I've recovered, I've learnt from my mistakes and I'm trying with every bit of my body to try and let those event's make me a better person and not leave me bitter and spiteful. Your worst enemy no matter what people say will always be yourself. When it comes down to it humanity functions on raw emotion and non can be more overwhelming then grief and anger.

Music though has an overwhelming ability to sooth the soul. A came across to the video of 'Closer to the edge' by 30 Seconds to Mars. I'll include the link because these has just changed my mood around all week.

My whole life the things that have kept me down were my insecurities and flaws. For a long time i have hated myself for these, put a facade on and just went through life like normal. There are things about myself i don't want to admit to myself because well as dramatic as it sounds it's kind of feels like life just won't be worth living. I know it sounds like I'm being melodramatic and to a degree i am but there are things about my personality, my mental and emotional state i will have to address. For the most part it's things I'll do alone because i don't want to allow people in. I know there are a few people i can come to if things get overwhelming but my father his whole life has kept everything to himself until he breaks down and unfortunately I'll be the same.

Though you know what. I'm over it, I'm over other people and I'm quite frankly over myself. I'm sick of all this self-analysis. I'm sick of guilt tripping myself, feeling i owe people apologies for things i want to do that i haven't even done. My mind is a complicated place and for the most part over the 19 years I've memorized routes around it, but i think it's time i started exploring an developing some short cuts.

One thing is I'm going to get over the fact that i feel obligated to apologise for things that i do, that happen in the course of my life and things i want to do in the future, I'm not saying 'I'm sorry'. I've worked my arse to get where i am. I know a lot of people don't approve of things I've done, my degree, my choice to take a promotion at work, the amount of time i spend with my friends and not studying.

I'm really going to try and make the most of the rest of 2010. I know a lot of things have changed and will continue to change. Though i honestly want to live a life without regrets but it just seems to be the hardest thing in the world because there just seems to be a never ending line of people that want to try and fuck you over. Though I'm going to keep going at it the way i am. My friends will be my priority until i figure out what i am going to do with my life. I'm going to hit this new job with everything i have. I'm going to keep driving and eventually i will buy my own car with my own money and hard work because i know my parents are going to be unable to help me out. It doesn't bother me at all, i want to become self-sufficient, i know the kind of people i want to be. Though i know i need to try and be more proactive with it. If i upset a few people along the way, I'll live.

'I will live my life' - 30 Seconds to Mars.

Life's escapades (edited)

Oh blogspot, it's been a while old friend. So this is going to be a massive epic catch up blog, as i haven't been on in a while because the life of Dejan has taken many turns.

First step we shall take a look at is university. Today marks the begging of Week 5 of the QUT curriculum. I''m failing at it. I mean not in the regard that i am failing my semester but rather than i am rather become less and less attentive with it. I only have one internal subject, one external and one intensive. I have not been keeping up to par with my external study. I had this horrible dream last weekend that i was going to wake up to an assignment due the same day. A similar thing happened. Tracey, good all Tracey, hereby refereed to as God asked me how i was going with the assignment i had due Friday. What assignment was Dejan's response. So in 4 days i had madly rushed to get my annotated bibliography done. It was one day late. Various things affected my decision and i want to address them. First off all the assignment was worth 20%, Justice late penalty is only 5%, i did the maths and that was only one mark. The second was work. I had work the day it was due, if i had the day off I'm sure i could've finished it. Michael offered that i take the day off, but i believed that i had a responsibility not to let university commitments clash with work commitments because of things soon to come (This will be explained later). I think I've been putting it off because i wanted my work plan to come to fruition so i could assess my life into a schedule so i would have designated times to study. I want to believe that's why i haven't been doing uni work but only time will tell.

The next thing is address is work life. So it was declared i was getting one of the two allocated promotions to assistant manager. Well it wasn't declared someone let it slip and yeah know everyone knows. There is a little awkwardness about the whole situation, most obvious being a co-worker broke out into tears. I for some reason feel bad that i got it, though i know that i deserve it. I lack the self-confidence but lately I've just been working my ass off and Pete and Michael noticed and bought it up. I think the highlight was when Michael told me he thought i was the hardest worker there, including himself. Like that one compliment meant the world to me and was what fueled me to go for it. I know that i have no where near the customer skills and capabilities the girls have, non of the guys can match them, this what i need to work on. I've proved i can handle the organisational part of it, like i can close and what not. It's just going to be hard being the new Michael. I have no where near the knowledge he does, i don't have the confidence the girls do, i know shit all about anime and PC games in comparison to Ty. Like it's only going to get harder but I'm determined to work my arse off. We're having a meeting about it this week, so we'll find out what's happening. I already know I'll be working at both stores because Michael wants me to remain with him. I want to as well, i don't want my little work group to split into two factions. This work meeting is worrying me because we just got mystery shopped and I'm worried that it was me, and I'll get a bad review and it's gut-wrenching. Though I know I'm at the right job, i now this is where i believe. Friday Michael convinced me to start up Magic with him. For those of you that are rusty on Magic The Gathering, it's apparently the first ever card game. Me and Michael both bought a starter deck, and went halves on a 8 booster pack set. After we closed the store a customer came back and taught us how to place and directed us. It was fun, it was overly nerdy but i enjoyed it. Tomorrow after i finish work Me, Michael and Natalie are going to play in the backroom. I am actually really excited about this and shall spend far to much money on booster packs tomorrow.

My love life. Not something i talk about. Not something i enjoy talking about because i find it rather private and personal. I have a friend who i confide my issues with and he logically provides me with an answer, he is the expert to my situations on these. Lately I've thought i had feelings for someone, like romantic let's hold hands and all that kind of shit feelings. I was made aware that this person unfortunately had feelings for someone else, someone i know is far better looking then me and by the sounds of it has a better personality, yay team. It was a bit of a rage crisis, though like i said i talked it over with a friend, it was somewhat resolved. Like i still don't know where i want to go with it. The various issues are, maybe these people are meant to be together, why should i interfere. The whole, if i get jealous i lose a friend. The idea of would i even be able to handle a relationship with this person and most critically do i actually want to have a relationship with this person or is it just jealousy. I have not arrived at a conclusion, aside from the fact that i am quite over being 'Plan B'. I know what I'm going to do, i lack the self-confidence to attempt to explain how i feel so I'm just going to sex with a few other people in hopes I'll forget all about these feelings. I know how bad it is, though it's how i function, I'm not emotionally apt to deal with such situations. Part of me wants to create a separate blogspot account away from my friends just so i can go into detail because i don't feel comfortable expressing how i really feel. I think part of it has to do with the fact that the majority of the friends i have i relationships are crashing and burning, no other phrase to describe it and I'm worried I'll just be conforming. A friend bought this to my attention and i don't want people to get the wrong impression. My so-called solution isn't a literal thing, it's how i would've solved my problem and how i would like to, but i won't, somethings changed, something i might discuss in a later blog.

Family will be the closing chapter. I'm worried about my mother. She is unable to work because a neck plate has moved out of place and is applying pressure on her spinal cord. I for some reason feel partially responsible. I feel like my mother was forced to do a job she didn't enjoy that physically drained her so she could help provide for me and my sister. She's trying to get work cover, but it's such a long drawn out process. I'm just waiting to start permanent-part time so i can get the extra hours to be able to pitch in. I want to help provide for my family but right now i don't have the means for it. On the plus side mum being home has given her time to take me driving. I'm half way up on my hours, we'll nearly. Driving has been something new, I've gone from the stage where i hate it to where I'm actually OK driving. I hate driving 40 kilometres in construction zones because no one else does and i feel bad keeping people back. I still hate driving with a 4WD behind me. I almost died driving with dad because his teaching method is not something anyone can handle, the whole yelling backseat driver. After our literal near death experience.

So all in all life has been pretty alright. Granted it was a really shit week. I have another assignment due Wednesday so i need to get started on that but it won't be till tomorrow night. My friends are amazing, even though there are some i don't get to spend enough time with. Last night i felt awkward with friends, i had a lot on my mind and i just sat in the corner not saying a word because i wanted to be alone. Though after everyone went to bed me and Glen stayed up for a while just talking about it. It kinda helped, it's nice to know that some people are gonna be there for you. I need to get things in order. I want to see more friends more often. I want to put more effort into uni and work. I want to get back into training and general fitness, though most people are fasting now because of Ramadan, though i am looking forward to the slight festivities i get to be included when it is over. No quotes or lyrics, i just wanted to get things off my chest. This has been my life as of late. More blog's to come, hopefully more cheery.

It Resumes

'Mind over matter' - Sir Charles Lyell.

We've heard it, but most of us probably don't believe it. I didn't, i was as skeptical as the next person, a simple mind set can't completely resolve numerous problems. In a sense i still am somewhat hesitant to believe it, though I've come to realise a positive mindset does help you move forward if just a fragment.

I've been angry, whingy and frustrated over the past week. Last blog i wrote i decided i was over it and stated i intended to move forward. That night was definitely a step forward. The driving lesson with my father was nothing but an endurance test. I felt shit afterwards but i didn't care. It was over and done with, there was nothing more i could do. So i went and spent the evening with Glen. We had a Criminal Minds marathon, and with his car out of operation we decided to order Chinese. It was a good night. I didn't do anything, i just watched a show i liked with a good friend and ate terriyaki chicken and sweet and sour pork. om nom nom.

The person i had complained about, i just comprehend what mindset he was in. Talking about to me strangers and then friends and people i worked with. I can't fathom his ignorance. Though i guess the silver lining in the situation is that my friends know me and stuck up for me, this is something I'm grateful. I'm more at ease about him showing up to this weekend, i don't intend on talking to him, but i know i would be causing a scene and tackling him through a window.

The week progresses. I've become lazier. Just listening to music because i haven't had any shifts at work. I'm starting on university work this week, well today. After this blog I'm catching up on lectures and preparing for the first tutorial tomorrow. I'm also getting mums birthday present tomorrow.

I've decided all i really need to do is to hold out till September. That's going to be my month. You Me at Six, Video Games Galore, The new store opening. Though I'm going to keep this positive mind set going. Once again thanks to musical lyrics.

'Because we're never gonna be as young as we are tonight' - The Summer Set.

The most difficult person is yourself

I'm over it. The self-loathing, the being in a shit mode, the lack of contact with good friends. I watched season one of Big Bang Theory. It made me laugh quite a bit. I saw friends this week, i contemplated getting highly intoxicated just to ease up, then i decided against it. It's pointless to rely on something like that. One thing I've decided is I'm tired of being petty. People won't change, gossiping will never cease.

I'm sick of letting people get me down. I'm sick of all these little petty things eat me up inside. You always come to a point in life, where you just don't know what to do because every step you take that appears to be forward is a right hand turn into a never ending spiral. Though the funny thing about this emotional state is that you seem to find a sing that feels like it was specifically written for you, at this stage in your life. My song is an acoustic one, titled Again by Faber Drive. A band my sister told me to youtube two days ago.

This song just seemed to demand a little resolve, so I'm just going to try and live in the present and just enjoy it. I saw friends last night, it was good to see everyone again though a fair amount of shit went down. I came to the point where i was giving advice that i myself should be taking. Today will be the ultimate test. Driving with dad, if i can live through that without getting frustrated I'm pretty sure i can amount to anything.

So here's to a little self-resolve, to overcoming obstacles and people and just enjoying the place in life you are currently at.

"Underneath my skin is it just anger, just frustration?
Underneath my skin is it decisions or these feelings?
That always hurt my mind, that always hurt my mind.
That always kill my pride inside.
That always waste my time again, again." - Faber Drive.

Tired and Whiney

Somethings missing but i can't seem to put my finger on it. Of of late I've been in a constant mood of frustration, not anger but just sheer frustration. Deep and meaningfuls last night but i couldn't put it into words so I'm going to try and blog. I don't know whats been bothering me as of late. We'll a lot of things have, i think I'm still suck on the events of the last two blogs but slowly overcoming that. You know somethings wrong when British punk rock bands and anime don't cheer you up.

Someone want to take me on a holiday? I'll offer you my first born. I oh so desperately want to go to Japan. I think it would be magical. I would one day lose all my money, get a part time job only to realise that my employer is a ninja. Then I'm going to train with him, fall in love with his daughter, fight gangs of illiterate teenagers in my spare time, then get married, force her to pop out a ridiculous amount of children, mostly boys, their all going to become ninjas then I'll give world domination ago; unless i get lazy and settle with taking of Peru. It's a rather sound plan. I've done some planning for the future. This Christmas break I'm going to get a couple of friends together and go see the Great Barrier Reef, I've wanted to see it for sometime and found someone that is willing to go with me. Figured i should see it before Global Warming or an oil spill fucks it up.

I'm working harder for my hours. I want my P's. I want to take a road trip to somewhere exotic and foreign, but with cellphone reception in case i get lost and need to facebook a s.o.s. Today's driving lesson was pretty decent. Until about the last 20 minutes where something just went wrong. I just couldn't focus and everything i did just went bad. Sunday I'm driving with dad, i don't know how that's going to turn out. He's an aggressive back seat driver. So we'll see. OK I think I've done enough moping. I'm going to download some new music, and watch Big Bang Theory.

Life's Impedimenta

I need a holiday. I know it's ironic saying that because university has just resumed and i have just finished my holidays. Though i need a at least interstate if not international holiday. Part of me wants to have a holiday to myself, a holiday not to Serbia to see my family, but rather in the opposite direction; away from my family and everything.

I want to go to Japan. Get lost for a while and discover a few things about myself. I just want to watch movies and anime in another language and spend ever meal eating terriyaki chicken. I want to sleep on a floor, live in a country that uses a language that promotes respect and learn about the history and culture.

I've just finished watching the first season of Naruto in Japanese, 220 episodes and I've already started on the second. I youtubed the English version and hated it. I can't watched dubbed. It's like when i watch my three kingdom movies or other Asian cinematics, i have to go with subbed, can not for the love of me do dubbed. That's my ideal day though, foreign action films and chicken.

Lately I've been pissed off. Moping around the house listening to emo music. After talking to someone last night about what's been bothering me as of late I've decided i needn't concern myself without peoples personality flaw's. Talk about me, make up uneducated hypotheses about me. It'll just make sifting friends from the rest a lot easier. I'm not going to confront the person about what was said about me. I don't really care for them much anymore nor do i see a reason to maintain an emotional connection. If I'm angry at them I'm still connected, better to forget them entirely and just go back to enjoying life.

Apologies to anyone that's talked with me over the past couple of days. I haven't been myself. Also another thing that's starting to get to me is PMS. My sister is about to hit the wonderful age of sixteen. Oh when she gets into one of her moods, domestic violence sounds like a godsend.

I've ordered my university books online to be delivered. I'm not going to university this week because i can be bothered to attend my one lecture and i have no tutorials this week. I'll start on my external stuff Friday as this week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I'm seeing as friend, Thursday is a haircut, Friday i have to go see a Justice of the Peace to get a witness statement signed which i have yet to write up. Along with trying to get as many hours down as possible. I think it's time reconsider lifestyle once again and use the return of university as motivation to have a better strategy for the semester and life in general. No memorable quotes this blog.

You're going far, kid

I don't really want to write this blog because right now I'm just the host to a multitude of emotions all generally related to anger and frustration. So i was supposed to go to a birthday party last night, meet some new people and go clubbing and what not but didn't cause i had Glen crashing over.

To be honest i don't know if it was best not going to that party. I found out i was the topic of discussion as a friend of mine went there. I'm there sitting in the movie with a friend and I'm getting all these texts. I felt nauseous not by what was said but about the fact that we live in a world where if some random acquaintance says something about your friend you take that as a fact and don't even raise the situation with your friend.

I really don't want to deal with the situation any time soon because i''m just raging right now. I don't really care much for humanity at the moment and have realised why my friendship pool is slowly dwindling. I'm really fine with this, I'm just sick of peoples shit when I'm trying to live a simple enjoyable life.

rage, rage, rage.

In other news Glen and Karli crashed over Friday. It was nice just to chillax with friends. We watch some post-apocalypse movie. I didn't enjoy this because of the whole philosophical debate behind it. It appears i haven't dealt with my little phobia as well as i thought i had. Though i didn't say anything, my problems shouldn't be pressed onto my friends. So i sat through the movie.

The new Three Kingdoms movie wasn't that enjoyable, i found it alright because i enjoy Asian cinema but it just was a flawed movie. I've officially met the seven Poole children, it's feels like an accomplishment. Today i was told that I haven't been giving myself enough credit. This made me happy.

'Now dance fucker dance, man he really never had a chance and no one ever knew' - The Offspring.

Devolpments

Progress is only made by moving forward hand-in-hand with the occasional risk. The life of Dejan might be opening a new chapter; said chapter is to be called 'The Room-mate'. This decision is in the making, if it is to happen it may be temporary or permanent.

It's a very big call. This will very well rock the foundation of how i live my life. Things are being considered. This is one of my best friends and he needs a change in life style and my friends are more than happy to put them up. I am more than happy to put them aside. This person is active and outgoing while i on the other hand am quite lazy and reserved. Though i will feel bad so my life style will change, this is a good point. If i become active i become healthier and my overall life expectancy will increase. I think this will effect the whole family, mostly positively. We've been putting up whole families ever since i was in primacy school so an extra person won't really effect the daily routine. Think the best improvement would be my sister not spending ever waking minute on msn and facebook; though then again that is the life of a high school student.

I've been talking it over with mum, we've been thinking of how we're going to put the stuff in. Rearrange furniture and what we might have to throw away. While i want this to happen, we are both aware that we might get annoyed with one another within such a confined space. Though i still think my overzealous ego will prevent such a thing happening. It will be nice to have someone to talk to and hang out on a regular basis. Though as discussed with Lauren this move will ultimately put me in a vow of celibacy. I will be sharing a room with a good friend, therefor i will not be getting laid, nor will i be going out with friends with the intention of hooking up. Majority of people reading this have lost their virginity and realised that humans have needs; undoubtedly it will be harder for a man than a woman but i look forward to a change. This is turning into quite a year folks.

I have accomplished another feat; i survived driving with my mother. She was panicky and still is, i can tell when she's nervous because she latches onto the door handle or something else. Though second lesson in she was comfortable with allowing me to go on main roads. Though i still get the 'Your L plate's don't protect you from drugs and alcohol'. I think she means alcohol and drug infused drivers.

Rewarding efforts

I am so tired. My parent's can get to me so badly. Today i was supposed to go to training. I can't find my uniform, mother has hidden it somewhere. Father goes into immediate bitch mode; why do you want to go today if you haven't gone in 15 days. Oh 15, who's counting, certainty i wasn't.
Ok maybe i was, it has been 9; so suck on that. I dislike going to training after not going to training. Oh, where were you? Oh you should've come anyway. Urgh.

I'll use the blood test and vaccination needles as an excuse, yeah my arm is still somewhat sore. I'll blow it out of proportion. I'm angry. I want to go to training and hit something. I would enjoy that very much so. I passed up on going to a friends house tonight so i could go to training. Maybe I'll nap who knows.

Today was rather decent. I overcame my fears, soon realising how pointless worrying is and proceeded with the task at hand. 3 hours of waiting. Blood tests, various swabs. It was the most awkward examination but i had a pretty epic nurse that swore and made me laugh during the whole thing which was nice. Dad came in for a shower when he got home; 'Did you have anything to eat, aside from nutella'. You have no idea what i do, what i keep from you, just so you can be happy father.

People who intrude on inside jokes, or just conversations with the ego to believe they are aware of what the discussion is about annoy me. It's pointless, find your own friends. If people are throwing a bunch of sentences, in what appears to be an illogical order they are either drunk or quoting something, the moment you make a blatant attempt at a plain joke in this sries of quotes, you become annoying, it's simply as that.

I've returned to the world of online gaming. I reinstalled on the weekend and went from there. I spent a good 2 hours catching up with a girl from NSW i used to play with. I was sad to hear that most of the people in our little online raiding group have left the game, i shouldn't be surprised i was one of the first to leave. The music was quite nostalgic and made me somewhat emotional.

Oh you silly little nerd, nice effort today though. Go team.

Resolutions to myself

I haven't known how to phrase my thoughts for a while but i think it's time i gave it a go. Lately a lot of things have been on my mind. I've gone from epic highs to indescribable rage. September will be a great month for me. The video game i have been waiting for over a year for will be finally coming out, in the same week my favourite band will be playing in Brisbane. It took me a fair while to get those tickets because the Internet site that you had to purchase them wouldn't let me sign up for an account. Though at the end of that day, i was literally jumping for joy.

Work's definitely hit a high note. Last week i picked up 14 hours. I've come to expect my shifts being extended. I just overly enjoy my job. Last shift i spent two hours being paid to do nothing but sign kids up to play Mario Kart and watch them. I just sat in a chair in front of a television until the music drove me crazy and i swapped with Michael. I've been alphabetising every game in the store. I haven't finished it yet because I've been interrupted with other tasks but for the most part i am content with the amount i have done. Though i am disappoint that my first shift back after i finished alphabetising the majority people have ignored the system we are supposed to use; oh well you can't win them all.

I have a week off work. I've decided to take this week to accomplished a few things before university resumes. I've tired of my self-loathing. I've driven myself into a little facade that's derived from spending time with my friends. As long as i spent time with them, i was happy and therefore forgot about stuff that's been bothering me. No longer. No more self-loathing, I think it's time to harden the fuck up Dejan. Tomorrow is the first challenge. Having to face something I've been putting off for well over two months because i wanted someone there to hold my hand during it. We all make our mistakes, sometimes make them repeatedly. I think it's time i faced my demons. I think there will be rather content if i can fake the criticism, the fear and the horrid memories alone and not have to burden a friend in the process. If such progress is made, i think it's time i tackled a few other things.

Other changes have been rather rampart. I've put more of an initiative to see friends, and it has paid off. I rather love my friends if i do say so. I've also dropped friends. Dropping all contact with a certain person has rather been pleasing. He didn't approve of me deleting him off facebook, i think it was highly ironic considering everything we've been through. I've also come to realise I've been neglecting a fair amount of people that pretty much mean the world to me. Amanda's going away party was definitely a highlight of the holidays. This evening resulted in Amanda rolling on the floor laughing after her parents examined the gift i had given her. I was out back trying to relieve the pressure form my ribcage from many lol's. Catching up with friends from school has definitely been amazing, even though there are still many more friends i need to hang out with.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things i need to address. Though right now i really can't think. Taking things one day at a time when you have a large sum of things on your plate tends to block ones ability to think ahead. I would like to thank music for my recent change in attitude. There is always one song that someone affects you, this song in particularly has just made me realise to take a step back and look at the things in regards to the big picture.

The song is called 'We All Rock Along' by The Maine. The lyrics in particular that just make me forget everything on my mind are part of the chorus;

'We're alive and we drive to the centre of it. Where we know know we're all fine and this just can't be it. And in the end we all know we only breathe for so long, so tonight's the night we all roll along.' - The Maine.

Simplicity breeds happiness

I'm somewhat confused. Part of me wants to give up blogging. Or significantly reduce the amount i blog. My blog causes issues. One thing i don't enjoy is when a third party informs me that Person X thinks i feel a certain way about them. Generally it's feelings of disdain. I do not enjoy this because more often people are getting it wrong. They either misconstrue what i say or what i mean, or even who it is aimed at. I've been getting a 'Person X thinks you hate them' thing as of late, though there was no action to find out if the blogs are about them. Though i am going under the assumption that it is my blogs that are determining these said feelings because i haven't gone out of my way as of late to project feelings of hatred. I don't know what to do.

University results are back. I passed 3/4 subjects. I am content with this. I am not exactly thrilled about failing a subject and not receiving the grade needed to take suplimentary assessment. Though my initial thought was that i would pass two and fail two, so who am i to complain with three out of four. My GPA is 4.727. This does not bother me. My goal is a GPA of 5.5 by the end of my degree so i know i have time to fix it up. Next semester i am doing three justice subjects. One internal, two external. This will free up a lot of time for friends, work and online gaming. Though i really intend on studying next semester as well to boost my overall GPA>

My weekend was pretty amazing. I was supposed to go to a party Friday night and then go clubbing but my friends left for the party before i got to their house. I was pretty cut about that; wasn't informed they were going. Glen decided to wait for me so we both missed out. So me him and Adrian went to sizzler for dinner and got some movies out. I suggested Glen crash at mine for the weekend so we went off. We watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall when we got here. No matter how many times you see that movie it's still hilarious. Today we drove around a fair bit, got some car parts, Glen did his mechanic thing, i did my nod and pretend you understand what's happening thing. We met up with Karli after she finished work, she bought a Halo figurine which lead to a fair few adventures in the night and we headed off to Nandos. We came back to mine, watched Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and swapped manly stories. We then went to see Robin Hood.

My weekend was amazing. Simplicity breeds happiness. I had the company of friends, i didn't really get up to anything too strenuous. I hate work tomorrow which i don't really look forward to but oh well. Robin Hood somehow inspired me, I've loved that story ever since i saw the Disney version and I've seen many others. This one does the legend justice and it's inspired me to not get worked up over everything. If something bad happens, you can always pick yourself up and give it another go. While i do want to do something with my life, regardless that i don't know what that thing is or even what direction it is, i am rather content with my life and the people in my life.

'Rise, and rise again. Until lambs become lions.'

Holidays

Things are going pretty amazing for the most part. I am on holidays and i couldn't be happier. The goal of the holidays is to maintain a mindset of simplicity and joy. The privilege to do nothing is beyond the description of mere words. I am officially enrolled in only three subjects in hopes that my aspirations for the future will come to fruition. (haha, garnier fruition)

I've just basically been seeing friends/organising to see friends. Driving has taken off though I've had to cancel a few lessons because my roster is changing but i don't really mind. Today has been a lazy day. I slept in, i downloaded a lot of music, which i have fallen in love with my new download limit. I'm editing my iTunes files. That might seen like a chore but it's something I've been meaning to do but have never found the time. I will soon have a ipod without any spelling mistakes or shitty rap music; this excites me.

There are some issues i want to address but really I'm far to lazy right now :)
I shall do them tonight.

Solace

A quiet bus ride home. Only to be informed by my sister that the baby i spoke of in last blog had died. Word travels fast on facebook, it appears to be the new media source. The kids lung apparently collapsed, which resulted it suffocating while being breast-fed. My initial reaction one of 'La-la-la baby doesn't exist la-la-la i didn't even go to work today la-la-la still asleep'. As you can see i logically processed the event's and came up with the most mature reaction.

When i got to Christens i was 'distracted' and accidentally snobbed Glen. I felt bad so i stated i had a bad day, their response was so have we, so i told them what i happened. No one knew what to say, we were all just speechless about the topic and all happy with changing the subject. We didn't end up seeing the movie, which i was quite happy with. I instead ate my feelings that night in the form of a whole pizza, two brownies and some ice-cream. Om nom nom emotions.

Though i really don't want to talk about that anymore. I have seen my first dead body, it's not something to be proud of, but something i should be able to deal with especially if i intend on working within the Criminal Justice system. I guess i can get some solace out of the fact the baby looked peaceful.

In other news, i finally sorted things out with university. In about 2 minutes i will be withdrawing from a subject and only doing 3 subjects a semester. I also have driving lessons lined up for the next two weeks starting tomorrow. My saving has gone to waste, Dad had seen what i was doing and told me to keep the money, he intends on paying for my lessons. He said he wants me to take 20 initial lessons, i mean that's $900+; i really don't intend on taking 20 though. So now I'm going to call a friend, and nap excessively.

Numb

So I'm pretty sure i saw my first dead body today. I don't know what to think, actually I'm trying not to think about it. It was when i finished work today, i was heading to the bus stop, in the food court i saw security, a lady hunched over with blood on her face and a group forming around them. My immediate thought was bogan high school kids punch lady. As i went past i noticed the blood on the Lady's face was not hers, she was hunched over trying to resuscitate her baby.

The gravity of the situation hit me. You know those scenes in movies where someone is walking away a massive explosion in slow motion. We'll that's why i felt like, everyone appeared to be moving at a really slow pace, the lady screaming on the phone to her ambulance looked, well i don't know how to describe it. People were crying, people were shocked, people were panicking, i felt numb. I didn't know what to do, there was security, someone calling an ambulance, a crowd forming. For those of you that know me well know that i in no way am able to logically process death, especially not a dying baby, so i got out of there. I turned my ipod up, skipped every sad song along with every song that contained the words death or baby or synonyms or plurals.

The world seemed to slow down when i heard the sirens and saw the ambulance. I feel heartless. Logically i have no emotional connect with this woman, her baby, i didn't know what the incident was about, the notion that i should be overrun with feelings of sadness is illogical, though is the notion of not having any feelings on the subject, like come on Dejan; it was a dying baby.

I leave this blog with the notion that i have the fortune to believe that the ambulance arrived there in time, the baby was resuscitated, he or she is fine and one day their going to graduate from university. Now i have to prepare to go see a movie with friends and yeah, at least that will take my mind of things.

Breakeven

I'm so fucked. I'm tired and confused and everything is piling on. I hate a lot on my plate at the moment and I'm working on resolving it. I'm talking to a friend as a write this, he's had some experience in the field so I'm trying to get some sound advice because i don't know how I'm going to handle the situation. I've also come to realise that I'll probably be single for a while longer, any notion of a loving relationship has been quelled, I'll blame it on my general hatred of humanity and inability to trust others; though enough about me I'm far to concerned about my friends.

A lot has happened over the past couple of days. So much drama it is really hard to process and comprehend it all. I'll start off which with the later issue because i know the two people involved read this, one with my permission and the other one is a stalker. I couldn't believe the events of this party; actually well i could because i know the people involved but i was just dumbfounded. There exists a guy, who is the pinnacle of douche bag. To discard you friend over an argument, where are you clearly wrong and then acting a childish manner which i can't even fathom, is beyond me. I do not care of this guy, he has no positive qualities as a human being, he is nothing more than an embarrassment as a friend. I can't fathom why people tolerated his shit as long as they did but still. I'm upset for my dear friend. I know this situation has upset her, regardless i might think it's what she'll need in the long run but that's not for me to decide. I rest easy knowing the fact that she will be going on a holiday of a life-time and he'll undoubtedly impregnate some unfortunate Logan high school student; but the fact i can't do anything about this situation bothers me.

The other incident extends of a set period of time. A group of us were supposed to go bowling Friday. A friend of mine wouldn't go because he felt that he was only invited because he lives with other people that were invited. Upon hearing this i came to the realisation that if he didn't go, i wouldn't go. My rule with friends is simple, there are about 7 or so people i would do anything for, he is one of them. I am quite happy throwing away my happiness so he wouldn't feel shitty. I knew he wanted to go, but he didn't want to go because the situation would be awkward. So i spent the day trying to convince him to come. We went to maccas. We argued he was paying for it. I knocked his card out of his hand in an attempt to gain an advantage, though this friend is as stubborn as i am. So i negotiated with him, i made the situation appear as a favour and stated i would allow him to pay if he came bowling with us, he agreed. I was happy with it. I still deducted the amount of the meal from the money he owes me. Something the best thing you can do for someone is to blatantly trick them. Though the night arrived and i was pretty excited. I got to see friends though, i dunno. One by one they left for the city.

The let's go as a group plan fell through. I was urgh about it. Though the four of us went on. We went to meet the others, the location changed twice but oh well. We ended up at Fat Louis for a while. The situation was awkward to begin with. When we arrived the majority of the people in our group were already intoxicated. The worst thing is when a person is drunk and is unable to process the fact that they may feel awkward around someone but need to acknowledge that they shouldn't bring attention to that, especially if the other person is doing the same. I stuck by my friend and i incorporated him into being social by taking photos. When a camera comes out with the intention of Facebook photos everyone generally becomes a little friendlier. After we left we we're supposed to go bowling, but the other's wanted to resume drinking and dancing. So we broke up into two groups. We were upset but at the same time, we had expected this situation. Regardless the four of us walked around the city for a bit, bought Pokemon cards, went bowling and had dinner together and went home. Sara crashed early. I watched the Serbia v Germany game with Glen while multi-tasking a Pokemon Card battle with Christen. It was a good night.

Sunday i had invited Karli to come over. Normally I'm worried when friends from two different social circles meet each other but this situation i wasn't. Granted they had met each other but it was no 'proper introduction'. It was my 19th post dinner party. Though i know Sara is fine with generally anyone. Glen and Karli always initiate conversations to prevent awkward silences and Christen and Karli had their love of Pokemon. The day was lax, it's what i wanted it to be. We had lunch, we played Pokemon for a while, just talked and watched the original Power Rangers movie. The most satisfying feeling is when someone you care about enjoys the company of someone else you really care about. This made my weekend.

Though as of late my new found free time has stumbled me. I have all these people that want to hang out with me and I'm trying to process how to fit them all in. I'm still in my university-state of mind. I will get around it, i have far to many friends i haven't spent enough time with so i shall see them as much as i can. I have 5 driving lessons booked over the next week and a half. This excites me because I'm starting on my road to the P's and everything but then again it makes me nervous because i don't really enjoy driving but oh well. You win some and you lose some.

As the title of this blog entails, there is a song that is on my mind. It is not a particularly happy song but makes me smile, not a happy smile but a; this is the current situation and you get through it smile

Breakeven - The Script.

Silver Lining

Life is good. I won't blog long because i have an exam tomorrow and i still have notes to summarise. As some of the facebook stalkers know I'm contemplating changing my life drastically. I'm thinking of university part time. I'm still gathering opinions and information from various sources but i don't think anything will be complete. The feed back I've received has been helpful.

Mum and Dad: Worried i will drop out of university entirely refuse to support my decision but acknowledge that i am 19 and able to hand the pressure.
Sister: Doesn't think I'll be able to do the juggling.
Karli: Excited about my prospects for the future but not pushing me into anything.
Amanda: Remaining neutral, examining both sides and insuring i make a sound decision.
Lauren: Told me i should go for it because she sees that i am currently not enjoying the way i handle university and thinks I'm in need of a drastic change.

I still need to get a couple of other peoples opinions. It's a massive decision with commitment attached so I'm trying not to make any hasty uninformed decisions. This exams are killing me. The pressure attached to a 60% makes you fluster and then makes you want to not prepare for it because the weight of it just consumes you. I've done everything to procrastinate, from excessively brushing my teeth, to seeing friends, to getting laid to cleaning my room. There was few things i didn't do.

Happier note, i made a new friend. Goes to my university, could see him getting along with most of my friends, hes arrogant so we get along great. Things are looking up. Two days I'll be free from education stress and I'll be able to sleep in and see friends. I have like a serious blog i need to deconstruct, and then break up into three others but that's a task for another time. Right now I'm going through text books and highlight.

The world of Dejan

I'm making grown up decisions and it's surreal.

Various Escapades

Life is a process, the way you handle it all depends on the person. So I'm in pain. My backs gone out of wack for some reason, generally anytime i change my posture, make a sudden movement or turn it all craps and locks into place. Apparently the way you back handles pain is to lock all your muscles into place to restrict movement, thanks body. Though I've come to realise this pain could be a lot worse, it's only limiting what i can do, not really detrimental in comparison to other illnesses. The notion that no matter how bad i have it, someone out there has it worse kind of makes me feel better in some regard; then makes me feel like a horrible human being.

I had my first exam for this semester. Contract Law; not my strong point. I literally learnt a semesters worth in three nights. I won't lie i never really prepared for the tutorials, it was mixture of i do not in no way shape or form understand this nor can i be bothered reading extra cases to understand. Though somehow i have managed to grasp the relevant concepts required for contractual theory. Though the exam didn't go as planned, i ran out of time basically. We were required to do two questions in a two hour period. I spent a hour and forty minutes on question one part a and then rushed the rest. My goal was to accumulate the required 23.5 or something marks out of a exam worth 55. The questions i answered were worth 34 so I'm hopeful but then again knowing my luck I'm preparing myself to fail by like two marks. Oh well that's what supplementary assessment is there for. I'm not going to worry about it, Pete said my back could be stressed induced so i really don't want to think about it.

I have another exam Wednesday morning. So I'll be spending all of tomorrow preparing for it. Aside from NCIS because it's a season finale and i really want to know what the hell is going on with Gibbs. The exam is tort's law (trespass). It's my second time doing this subject and in comparison to the last go I've passed every other piece of assessment for the subject. So my chances of passing are fairly decent (just touched wood) but i should aim for something a little higher so i can boost my GPA. Then i have a weeks worth of prep to do for two other subjects, one I'm ugh about and the other one I'm kinda gjwekljglskjgklwejglwsjlgtwejslgwejljgwelj about. Though prepare for torts still takes priority especially if i have to go to the doctor and waste time there while my back continues to annoy me. It's another 8.30 start which means another 6am awake up call.

The next topic i want to address is friends but i don't know the order to address it so I'll just go in what ever it happened in.

The party
Friday i had a party, i spent ages getting ready; more than a man should. Mum thought it was absolutely hilarious watching me rage against my genetically horrid curly hair. Though I've received complements on my efforts and as shallow as that makes it i did make it feel somewhat worthwhile. So i went for two friends, i made two more friends on the night. I started a 'rapist' remark about another party goer and everyone loved it and i temporarily became the centre of attention. It's a easy strategy, destroy another person to make yourself seem more likable. It worked i befriend sober people. Go team. So the party hit like 10.30-11 and nearly everyone was drunk, aside from Brett (Ted). Everyone at this party appeared to be a chain smoker, this did not make me happy. I get why people smoke, my parent's do. Though the first concrete promise i made to my parents is i would never smoke. To this day i have honored that promise even though I'll get lung cancer from all the passive smoking i do. So i began to feel somewhat uncomfortable. I was disappointed when the weed came out. As strange as it sounds i at the age of 19 have never had the desire to do drugs while it seems a majority of my friends do. I know it's not a rare occurrence, i know how easily i go get weed if i wanted; everyone knows at least one person who does. It was getting close to 11 and my friend was gone, the other one was going while trying to entertain her guests. So i went around the house looking for the car keys, had a awkward conversation with a woman that only spoke Chinese and went in search of a bus stop. I had to bypass a drunken attempt at a deep and meaningful i was not in the mood, i indeed was not a happy chappy.

I found a bus route and jumped on. I called Glen and i asked if he could pick me up from South Bank because i didn't want him driving all the way out to McGregor nor did i really want to stay at the party for another half a hour. To my surprise my bus was filled with more drunks that were intending to go out clubbing; except they were all Asian. I got to South Bank and i waited half a hour. I was fine with this, Glen was going out to get food beforehand i didn't mind waiting. I realised i should've just caught another bus but he offered in advance to pick me up if things went bad. I felt like utter shit when i got in the car. I understand how close me and Glen are, he was fine with picking me up but i wasn't. I know how much it annoys him when people ask for him to pick them up at late hours, granted it was my first time but i couldn't have felt worse. I spent the night repeatedly apologising, he just laughed it off. I got there, we watched Christen play PlayStation for a while till about 12.30. I then began to study while having a long distance conversation with Glen sine we were in separate rooms. He told me his insurance had screwed him over, so i was telling him i would give him $100 to last him the week. He of course refused and we argued. He stated he had a stash of change somewhere so at 1.30 am we decided to hit the basement and look for it. We found a fair few things, i laughed at the school photos i saw of Glen and some of the other guys and other memento's of his childhood. We found the coins and we ended up counting up $88 in silver till about 2. I did a bit more study preparation but when the laptop died i couldn't be bothered to find the charging cable so i went to bed. Me and Glen ended up talking till 3, i needed to get stuff of my chest and he was more than happy to listen. I've learnt talking about your psychological issues especially those about your fears for the future and life in general is somewhat awkward with another guy.

Saturday started off with a visit from Jarrod who i don't see very often it was a nice catch up then we went for food. We came back and watched 'I hope they serve beer in hell'. At the start we were like yay B rated porno, but to my surprise it was a really decent movie. Jesse Bradford was amazing, he acting just did something to the movie. No man could insult strippers like he can. That day while Christen was playing PS3 and Sara was watching Naruto i helped Glen take the windscreen out of his car so he could de-tint it, pretty sure I'm a classified mechanic now folks. I found out a friend got a written warning at work from his father. That shit is not right, i understand you're going through a a divorce and you were never a proper dad but you don't give you own kid a written warning. I spoke to Pete about it and he agreed that you don't get written warnings about trivial matters especially not from a relative. That night i was informed about a drunken confrontation between people. The whole situation, the location, the topic, the people involved and their ability to communicate was an entire facepalm situation. I didn't get involved, it wasn't a conversation that should have taken place, especially not with the over intoxicated. In a sense it did make me sad but the situation didn't have anything to do with me so I'll just have to wait to see how it goes in case i need to defuse anything. Preparation is everything in friendships.

Work was work for the next two days. Normally I'm happy to go to work and i can get a fair amount done but just for those two days i made a few errors and i just could not focus. I haven't been getting enough sleep (Still not it's 1.30 am and I'm blogging). Work overall is going well though. Today i managed to get my training done, we have to do these online quiz's. Workplace health and safety is horrible but it's over and done with. I found out I've been underpaid for 7 weeks of work. So I'll be getting backpay in the next two weeks, this excites me because it comes during my planned driving lesson period which i still need to organise.

Yesterday i found out a very close friend has a good possibility of moving to Melbourne. I won't state her name in case she intends on informing people. Though i was trying to console my sister about her problem i found this and just kind of died on the spot. I got pass the initial run over to her house and knock some sense into her because i refused for her to leave me, but i had to think about it rationally because my legal degree has taught me that kidnapping is illegal. Regardless the whole situation did and still does scare me. I don't see her enough as i want and the prospect of all the kilometres that would be between us just terrifies me. Granted i have made my long distance friendship with Gabbi work (note to self, text her tomorrow) i just worry. Though i know that i have gone through a immense ordeal with her over the years, we dated each others best friends, she was there when i had break downs and we still share many discussions about the failures of modern society. I think if she does move, we can still maintain our level of friendship, i had to think about the fact we communicate a lot over msn/facebook/text rather than in person so that's the assumption I'm going with. No wait, i know we won't change, there was a event that pretty much changed my life drastically and i can still recall the picture that was taken and the fact she's in that picture means i would have quite a hard time forgetting her even if i wanted to. So i think that's about it really, time for bed yeah? I know theres something I'm forgetting, or i worded something in a manner that it would insult someone but didn't mean it so i apologise in advance if i appears that way. That point was bought up last week and yeah now I'm quite worried about what i say because surprising more people read this than i initially thought so now I'm trying to watch what i say or how i say it but when you've had about 15 hours sleep over three days and you're still writing at 1.45 am you tend to edit your train of thought before it gets written down.

Weekend v Uni

Relax I'm in a good state of mind so you won't have to hear about my whinging. Yeah those things have/are eating me up but i have things to look forward to to negate being shitty about my life. I've officially started on exam prep. Listened through recordings for most of my contract stuff and have three pages of notes. Hitting the study guide today, text book on the weekend and such.

Granted i did procrastinate for 5 hours yesterday, so far I'm at nearly two hours today but i should be starting soon. I hate a party tonight, Amy's post birthday, i shall be going with Amanda. I look forward to it, not just because this will be the first time I'm going to be drinking in a while but i just need to relax, make lame sexual innuendos and just laugh with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to see the guys at Carindale, most likely spend the night and unwind. Not before i do some reading, or I'll take my text book and force Glen to make me study.

I feel bad because i can't do my Monday shift, but Michael told me not to worry about and just focus on my exam, few people actually work in a job where your bosses actually care about you; I'm lucky enough to be one of those. Alright, Contract learning mode GO!

Weakness

This blog is starting at 1.17am. I haven't had a emo blog for a while so i think it's time to let up a little. I hate these blogs, this state of mind, but i need to get it out of my system. As of late, I've only managed to find one word that befits my current efforts in regards to my life; failure.

This law degree is eating me up on the inside. For some reason i feel like a utter failure for giving it up. I've withdrawn from law units next semester and taken up four justice subjects. Regardless that I've been telling people I've ended my legal career has ended, i haven't had the courage to hand in my subject-transfer form into university. I don't know what to do. I know this is mother's dream for me, and i know if i actually forced myself to study i could do it. Though then what, I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the profession and i have no interest in learning about the material. Sometimes i wonder if my laziness to prepare for assessment is just a social adjustment i need to adapt to, the whole university life or if it's some hidden ideology if i fail law units i have no alternative to change courses, though i think forcing myself to fail for subjects and destroy my GPA to acquire a glimpse of courage is a little too melodramatic for me.

I've started training again. I've adapted to the new gym workout. Exercise is good, it helps deal with the stress and gives you a more positive outlook on life. Though after two months off my technique has somewhat deteriorated. I feel like I'm starting again from white belt. Except it's far my frustrating. Your body learns from repetition, after a two month break when you try to do even the simplest move, you know how to do it except your body won't comply. Today was probably the most frustrating training session I've had in a while. We've always placed peoples capabilities into brackets, whose abilities match whose so sparring is even; to see where I've fallen to both upsets and infuriates me.

That topic is back in my mind. I force it out a fair bit but it shouldn't be there in the first place. The human mind is truly a terrible and frightening thing. I don't know maybe it's time to see someone about it you know. This is a topic i don't bring up with friends, what are you supposed to talk about it. It kind of feels like no one understands you or judges you for childish fear. I've had people tell me they think the same but i don't really see anyone failing to cope with it as to the degree i do. It's kind of making me want to be alone. Even though that's kind of what makes it worse. Though i worry that I'll have another breakdown soon and i refuse for my friends to see me in that state of mind. One stage is to read about it and learn about what's eating you up. I laughed at myself. The anxiety, my inability to maintain a healthy relationship; i guess the second step would be to make a declaration? Hi, um well; My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i have a phobia of death and it's sort of fucking me over.

'Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' - B.O.B feat Hayley Williams.

Dejan v World

There is a fine line between a inside joke and a low-blow. This line is generally determined by going out of your way to insult someone when that person was under the impression you were friends. I use past tense because i can't really, no wait i don't have the energy to fathom what is going on in your head. Sure let's insult me on my status updates, a lol at the end makes it all better. Now you're tracking conversations I'm having with friends on photos and make a remark on that conversation. Clearly i am having a conversation with this person, not you because i value them more. I deleted your comment; i felt embarrassed for you.

I remember talking to various people about oh how my little friendship groups wouldn't disperse. We would still all hang out and stuff. I just didn't understand or consider the effect that real life would have on peoples personalities. Like i understand i changed as well, no doubt about it.Though i would like to think the fact that i still act the same, have the same discussions with a few people i went to school i haven't changed in too much. I had a great discussion about all of this with Karli, we talked about how people we used to be friends with have made drastic changes and how friendship groups were kind of breaking up.

It seems that when school ended, everyone chose a few people to stick to and retained those friendships. I'm not fussy I'm glad I'm friends with the people that still want to see me. I saw Amanda today, this made me happy. This next part of the blog might sound hypocritical but bare with me. Today i had the 'pleasure' of spending time with someone you lose all contact with then just develop a general disregard for. I mean of someone is going to extent of deleting you of facebook because you weren't a 'good friend' then i see no reason to maintain communication with you.

Though I'm starting to delete people of facebook as well. There not friends, just people i felt like accepting out of obligation because we went to school. Like there are some people who i don't wish to be informed about their drinking habits or shit like that. I'll keep Vag-wax girl purely for shits and giggles because it makes me feel about myself. Guess it's time for another change. Oh i met the sisters new boyfriend today. Not a good first impression, beyond awkward, the fact he's 18 i'm still urgh about, oh well time shall tell.

Oh back to facebook for a second. This website, what ever you consider it just shows me the stupidity of humanity. This girl i know is 17 and just had her first child with a man that looks like hes 23 and yet people are congratulating her on the baby. What are you reinforcing? Good job not wearing a condom and getting yourself pregnant therefore crippling your life, your partners life and the quality of life your child will have and become a bigger detriment to tax payers in the future, you definitely made the right decision there. I guess its comforting when you put it in the context of my fear of death, i shouldn't worry about dieing because the way society is going death will probably soon be considered a godsend.

Pre-exam relaxation

So i don't have many conversations with my father, i know its a fact. It is one of those I'm not the son he envisioned. I hate generally all sports, I'm not in a steady relationship and don't really have that many career aspirations. Though there are some things we get along. I come home today after uni and we discuss work. Work then turns into a discussion on capitalism when then turns into a debate on communism. I love my family sometimes.

I have to prepare myself for sporting events this year. I have two more state of origins i need to sit through. Yay team, there's nothing i like more than 80 minutes of softcore gay porn masquerading as a sporting event. Then i have to endure the world cup. I don't mind soccer so it won't be as bad. Maybe ill just invite Glen over so dad can watch with us, that will give me a reason to incorporate dad into my life in something he enjoys while i hope maybe i can get out of it. I kid i know it won't, a man can dream non the less.

Today marks the end of my legal career. It's not really the end per say because i have four exams within the next two weeks. Though it was a way to end. My exam today was a oral speech. I was prosecuting a mock drug trial. 10 minutes before we started a girl that was sitting in alerted to the fact that i had listened to the wrong lecture. I died. Then when the other guy started his defense speech, he mentioned a act that i had not researched, i had a stroke. I literally wanted to run away. Thank god that act was irrelevant and our tutor told him to disregard it. By the time it was up to me to make my submission i was shaking, i was sweating like i have never before. I'm not a fan of orals but theres just something about a mock trial that just put me on edge. I got told i passed, to be honest i was fine with that. Something got me. The case there was enough reasonable doubt for for a blind man to in a open sporting field. For some reason the person i was up against did not incorporate any of that reasonable doubt. He over thought it which lead to his downfall. Though I've come to realise that i would probably not be cut out for the legal world. I don't think i could actually ever go to trial. Especially if i found myself in a position of which i was prosecuting a man i thought to be innocent which was the case with this weeks example. Though it was definitely a way finish up my legal year. My name is Dejan Tomasovic and i survived a year of a law degree.

I came home and i napped. Today i think i will just relax. I need it. My body is sore. I'm going to do some reading later. Have a early nights sleep. Work tomorrow then I'm going to go see Amanda. This excites me.

Eurovision was fun. It's always something i look forward to. The favourites in order were Moldova, Cyprus, Belgium, Germany and Greece. I disliked Serbia's, basically for the horrible dancing that reminded me of a Toyota commercial and the fact who i was singing it. I've hated Milan Stankovic since his time of Zvezda Granda which is the Serbian equivalent of Idol.

I've also noticed a social change. In regards to teenagers theres been a swap in stereotypes. Girls today are the whores while guys are the ones clingy to relationship and proudly carry the vagina.

'Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths' - Francois de La Rochefoucauld.

Testing ones values

This is not going to be a happy blog. So be forewarned. Uni is still uni so i won't restate why it disappoints me. Yesterday i was roped into watching State of Origin because Glen wanted to watch it. It was 80 minutes of guys tackling each other into every sexual position humanly possible. I giggled and pointed out when ever two people went ass to mouth, people lol'd at the realisation. I did not enjoy the game, and was horrified when i found out i have to sit through two more.

Yesterday a friend came home drunk. It's not unusual, he drinks a fair bit. Though I'm accustomed to his happy 'wants to have sex with anything in site' drunk, not the arsehole drunk. I have heard the stories, so in a sense i should have been prepared. He for some reason was angry at everything and anything and decided he was going to drive home intoxicated. From what i heard he had consumed 20+ beers or something like that. I'm use to being the drunk mediator and went to go stop him. Bad call Dejan. Within 3 seconds i was being abused and told to go fuck off. I don't know what happened, i walked away being comfortable with the fact me might go and die. I've dealt with my share of drunks but never with one with absolutely no regard for other people. I felt like absolute shit. Glen commended me on giving it a go. It appears that others are used to this sort of behaviour; i was not. I release there are some friends that i would have stuck around for if the same situation occurred, Glen commented he would slash my tyres if i ever attempted to drive home drunk, i stated i would beat him unconscious if he ever did. I felt somewhat better. This was a small event, that i won't bring up, but my opinion of the said individual has changed a fair bit. I wont mention the events of last night, because i don't want to cause some unnecessary tension with friends, but the same situation repeats itself I'll know not to go and try to help.

I think the silver lining was two friends that were supposed to have tension between them were able to have a conversation, this made me smile. I like friends that are able to get over their differences.

Curse you Amanda for not making yourself available in my hour of need. I shake my fist at you, well i will after i finish typing. I'm tired. I was woken at 5.30 to say by to friends. Then again at 6.45 to have breakfast with Glen. I then resumed my slumber but it's never comfortable on a friends couch. I woke up at 10, cleaned the living room and left. Now to properly start my Fundamentals of Criminal Law assignment.

'Here i am again. And the familiarity feels more uncomfortable than comfortable. It's time to make a change. And, now, I have what we need to make it'. - Jan Denise.

Live for right now

Where to begin. That's the questions. I still feel at peace, though i know in about two weeks my life will be pulled senselessly in all directions.

I'll start with university. It makes me nauseous, it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about exams and all that. So I've come to realise that my dream working for ASIO as an intelligence officer is probably anything but a short lived fantasy. There are far to many complications for it to be the post-university career/job. Let's reiterate how i came to this decision. First it came as a conversation with Glen. We think the same so he pointed out all the flaws in my plan that my vagina wouldn't let me to come to terms with. ASIO intelligence agents require a year of training in Canberra. As pointed out in previous blogs there is the whole financial issue and the fact that i could not put a career above my friends and family. Silly female reproductive organs. Morally i guess i have good character, that or i lack a spine to do what would be best for me; either way. Glen also pointed out the fact that after that training period i would not be guaranteed the job, this is true; based on my performance i could be even given a job, have my training extended if they were unsure or basically told to go home and wait a period of two years before i can reapply. My lack of self-confidence aside, if i were to be given the job there is no guarantee that i would be allowed to move back to Brisbane, what i didn't realise after reading the job info is that analyst aren't required to move around but it doesn't say where we're allowed to live. If Burn Notice has taught me anything is that your mother can be a valuable asset in the world of intelligence and espionage. So basically I'm back to square one of the university degree/career mind map. Also the stress of university has actually made me put on weight. Relax I'm not pregnant fat (even though that seems to be all the rage with people in my life) I've just put on about 2-3 kilos from could be titled as stress-relieving-procrastination snacks. Food tastes so much better if you're procrastinating to eat it.

This part goes an open invitation. This Thursday i shall be accompanying Karli Fletcher in saving the world. In a sense that's what we're doing, we're gonna be spending an evening packing what i understand to be 'safe-sex' packets (condoms and such) for universities. I consider this to be a viable contribution to society because I'd like to consider these packs as a barrier that going to prevent a 'God i need to get laid, I'm going to bang that fat girl with no life expectations' situations procreation. That and STI's and what not. Also Saturday Josh Thomas and Claire Hooper who hence forth will be known as 'Wife #1' are doing a free comedy thing, if you're interested shoot me a text or facebook. You can watch me get arrested for attempted kidnapping. Haha i kid you, I'm a ninja, I'll fuck shit up.

In relative news, it appears that I'll be going to that place again. It scares me, i don't particularly enjoy hospitals, especially it's because it's an opportunity for me to get criticized and judged. I don't like it because i have to go because I'm paranoid. Every time I'm sick or something along those lines I think the worst and expect a death sentence, two people have offered to accompany me which pretty much means the world. I just need to man up a little and call the place and find out what's the most opportune time to get a hasty appointment.

This weekend was something different. Me and Glen were alone so we decided to tackle as many things as possible. You have those friends that you can just tell what's on their minds. It's a great thing i believe, unless you're completely off the ball. I don't think i was, it just means we didn't have a lot to talk about so there was a few gaps of silence. He can tell when I'm upset and he's somewhat adjusting to me. I laugh out loud every time a song by Eminem comes on and without hesitation he changes it because he's grown accustom to my hatred for the guy, regardless he may like those songs. Same thing with the window in his car, if I'm in the back he'll apologise for having it down and roll it back up, he knows i feel bad so i don't say anything about it which is what makes it all that much more entertaining. I'm starting to figure out what ticks him off, i can generally tell when hes angry, Glen has a language of blank stares and grunts. I know he doesn't enjoy driving alone so i offer company, even if it's a 10 minute drive. I think he's starting to pick up on it, he was asked to pick up Sara and Christen from a party. He didn't want to, because it's illegal for him to drive with passengers past midnight, he was having engine trouble (which resulted in a temporary break down) and it's like a 30 minute drive each way.

He paused when i declared i was coming with him, like hell i would let a friend drive to the north side with the possibility of being stranded if his car broke down. We got to the party, i got to see a friend i haven't seen in a while which made the trip even more worthwhile, even though i did develop a slight case of frostbite. Breakdown aside we got home and i passed out on the couch. Oh almost forgot, i got to go to Poole family dinner for Adrian's birthday party. Glen was hesitant to go, i knew wanted to go but didn't want to have to deal with the family, so i hinted i was willing to accompany him and he made it appear like it was going to be a pop in thing. We spent well over a hour there. It was amusing, I'm slowly meeting the family, extended family as well. I got interrogated. Not in negative manor, but well think about it to be similar to the bringing a potential date home. My parent's did it to all my friends, what's your name, what are your parents like, what are you doing with yourself, basically are you someone i want my child associating with. My parents did it to all my friends, i have to allow them because if they don't i have no doubt my parent's will someone acquire background checks on everyone i associate with. I'm quite positive about my first impression, Glen covered me where my responses fell short. I learnt the Poole family has a genetic stubbornness, it took a fair amount of determination to get Glen's grandad to take my seat. Glen's mother also gave me a hug, this made me happy.

I'm still trying to figure Adrian out. I know he likes me, i like him. I made him an epic birthday card. Basically it entails him as a half dinosaur destroying things with no reproductive organs but a lot of many chest hair to compensate. I included about 10 or so inside jokes into it, it was quite amusing. I came over yesterday and saw that Adrian had put it on the fridge. I'm going to try and get him to speak more, he's not the most social person, he asked permission if he could come with me and Glen to see Nightmare on Elm Street, i was shocked that he thought we would say no. By the way, don't see it. I would like to thank Glen for putting me on edge and to all those girls in the cinema who kept on screaming which pretty much made me drop balls; that's probably as elegant as i can put it. First time me and Glen have hung out, aside from the motorbike chronicles, was definitely different but fun non the less. Most entertaining thing is probably when Glen's working on the car and i just stand there nodding like i understand everything, cause I'm know as much about cars as we'll, I'll google someone who knows a lot about cars then edit this post.

Work was something. I was frustrated and i really didn't want to be there. I checked the roster and it showed that all my Monday shifts for the month were given to someone else. I dunno, i was upset and angry. I spent the day with Natalie trying to figure out what i was doing wrong that would result in my hours being cut. It was a day of self-loathing and feeling shitty. Until i finally sucked it up and asked Pete about it. It turns out it was all a computer error; i was so angry with myself. I was expecting a, 'You don't talk to customers enough or your sale rate isn't good enough'. I spent the day preparing responses to all these possible reasons to why my hours have been cut. Turns out it was all a computer error, fuck my life.

This blog does have on perk. Last blog i wrote about an situation, well an event that lead to a situation that made me feel quite shitty. The initial plan was to just vent it out and get over it like a real man. Though what i was unaware was the person i spoke off actually read my blog and she actually talked to me about it. Initially i was shocked, but relieved non the less. I can't confront people about these kind of things and i was just happy when she shot me an email about it. Like I'm just ecstatic that she still wants to be friends and it's looking like things will probably get sorted out soon.

So now I'm going to go eat some dinner, contemplate study and pass out and prepare for work tomorrow. Don't get pregnant folks. Oh Sian, the fact that you compared the statement about how bad you think your life was in regards people in third world countries made my day yesterday, i enjoy when people look at the bigger picture.

'Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can.' - Jimmy Eat World.

Big thoughts for feeble Dejan

As of late I've been thinking a lot. These thoughts quite frankly the scare me shitless. For the past two weeks or so I've been investigating careers. Every law tutorial makes me realise how much i hate it, and how long it would have taken me to understand the material in the workbook if there wasn't a tutor spoon feeding me. I feel like the illiterate child that sits in the corner of daycare and just eats play-doh and dirt.

The intelligence community is where i want to go. My mind's saying, do it, do it, do it, do it. My penis is saying, think if all the bitches that you'll get in a suit and gun. Finally my heart's just kind of shattering into tiny little pieces. The one thing that worries me is deployment. ASIO and ASIS officers have their training in Canberra. I assume that's generally where most of the jobs are going to be. This is what is worrying me. Sure I'd be fine if i could force all my friends to move down. The notion of a career scares me. I know it's stupid and childish but it does. It's like when I graduated high school. The thought of the real word scared me senseless. Quite frankly i wouldn't go back but now I'm faced with an even bigger and more horrifying prospect. Graduating university.

If i transfer into my Justice degree that means i have the ability to graduate university at the end of 2011 or mid 2012 depending on what i want to do. You might say, 'But silly Dejan that's over a year away'. Though that's nothing. I mean I've already lived nearly 20 years of my life and it only feels like i started high school yesterday and that was a 5 year long process. University feels like something i decided to do after breakfast because i was bored. I know that year will come by sooner than anything. If I'm serious about my career in a Government Intelligence Agency i would have to get my P's preferably by the end of the year, find a mentor and develop connections within the industry by mid 2011 and be able to fluently write and read Serbian by the end of 2011 while maintaining a GPA of 5.5 or higher.

It's a lot to do but i believe i can do it. The only thing is i still have absolutely no god damn idea if that's where i want to be indefinitely. Also I'm not going to bullshit the readers of this blog. My friends are 80% of the reason i don't want to go. It took me a full year to find a group of friends that i consider to be as strong as the friendship group i had at school. To be quite frank, my ties with high school friends are ending faster that Kyle Sandilands career. I use this analogy because he seems to pop back on the TV every now and then. I can say i only have two friends of whom i went to school with that actually make contact with me and ask to hang out. One friend is in her final year of her nursing degree and the other friend is struggling chronic illnesses. I guess it's the quality of their friendships that raise the bar for others and that could be it.

My out of school are friends are just amazing. Lauren as I've blogged about before i could rely on anything. I mean she drove to my house to give me a brownie and a hug because i was feeling like crap. The 'gang' as i reefer to them are just amazing. The want to see me on a weekly basis which is just amazing. It's been a while since i could unload things onto other people. As of late I've really seemed to manage to piss people off regardless of what we talked about. So Wednesday night i went to Christen's house just to unwind. Later that night me and Glen went for a walk and had a deep and meaningful. That kids pretty epic. Sometimes it's just nice to get some reassurance. Not the i hate my life - self-loathing reassurance but the look on the bright side, I'll be here for you type. So i got things sorted out, we headed back and i forced him to talk about what was bugging him. We got home and ate and watched a DVD.

For the past 3 months + I've been going there every Friday, except for tonight because my mother has been bugging me to do uni work. I've done some, I've started summarising my mock case for my Fundamentals of Criminal Law tutorial prac. Though it just feels weird. I want to go over and talk with my friends but i need to focus on this. I know because i had to do a self-reflection for an assignment and i know when I'm overwhelmed with something i don't want to do i just pretend it doesn't exist till a few days before it's due. Then i argue with myself that i have plenty of time to do it. Thus is the life of Dejan.

Relationships change people. It's irrefutable. Sometimes its manageable or it actually does some good, i can only really think of she situations. People reading this blog, Karli you're one of them. I lose friends when they get into relationships. I know I've lost two friends. Well once really but urgh. She gave me the whole, it won't change we'll still be BFFL's speech. Next i hear it's group movie dates and birthday parties that turn out to me couple dates. I refuse to get into a relationship to salvage a friendship. Quite frankly the novelty of relationships is wearing somewhat thin as of late, I'm just going to take it as it comes, if you chose to ignore me for a relationship it's your call and i won't judge you for it, i won't talk to you as much but hey.

Last night i also had a blast from my past. A friend that I've been on-again-off-again best friends since grade 5. We went through about 11 months of non-talking terms after he got into a relationship, actually it's been over a year. I'm not sure where it's heading but i hope somewhere pleasant.

I bought a book. Probably the best book in all of existence. Well in my perspective. It's called 'I hope they serve beer in hell' by Tucker Max. It's about a guy who's a complete and utter asshole on top of finishing a law degree but he is most likely one of the most literate people i have ever heard off. His writing style and use of satire actually excite me to read. The book is all short stories. I bought it over on Wednesday and me Sara, Jono and Luke had a field day with it. I shall continue reading it tonight.

So now I'm going to go back to reading statutes and laws, watch some anime and read while doing the thing i do best but i hate doing the most. Contemplating the reason for my existence.

'I don't ask for much, truth be told I'd settle for a life less frightening.' - Rise Against.